MOM

Mother 

[muhth-er]  - noun

1. Someone who will love you unconditionally, till her last breath.

Today is 2 years since my mom passed away.  December 20th is always going to be hard.

I am selfishly missing my mom this year, more than last.  I say selfishly because I am a believer in the afterlife. I believe that my mom's spirit gets to hang out with EVERYONE that she cares about on Earth all of the time, and at the same time if she chooses.  She is finally reunited with her parents, aunts, uncles and best friend from high school who passed away just a few months before her.

In Heaven's perfection I know that there is no more pain, no more stress and all love.  I said selfishly because if we know that there is this place, this plane, this dimension, so close to Earth why wouldn't we want the people who have crossed over to be there?  So close to us that sometimes we can literally feel them, but far enough to live in perfection.

I selfishly want to celebrate Christmas one more time with my mom.  I want to wrap my arms around her and tell her how much I love her.  I want to say bye; then I reflect (as I do - A LOT) that my wants don't matter, God knew what he was doing.  He knew that I didn't have to say bye because she is here, she is celebrating and she knows that I love her.

There is this "new normal" way of doing things; without her they seem weird and a little awkward perhaps, we're still getting used to them. It's going to be OK because it's all part of His plan; time and the love of family and friends, heals all wounds.

My Christmas Angel Forever

Life is Too Short to be Stubborn

Wow, this month is really proving to be a tough one for me, the icing on the cake for 2013.

I have been very open about all of the things that I have been going through this year.  It took me a bit, but it was a definite rocky road that I have traveled, and the saga that continued.  It is what it is and I made it through another year.  Stronger & of course, smarter.

My relationship with my son is good, I have been able to spend more time with Pop, so I am looking at the positive aspects.  

BUT...

Next week it will be 2 years since the sudden death of my mom and for some reason this year is even harder than last year.  

I have almost forgiven myself for the status of our relationship when she passed away.  It was a ridiculous reason for why we weren't speaking; I am stubborn and was trying to prove a point.

Point is, life is to short to be stubborn.

I have been working on forgiving myself and just a couple of days ago I saw a Facebook status from Pope Francis and immediately knew that it was time to put my guilt behind me:

"You can't spend your life in the graveyard of guilt dealing with the corpses of the past.  Know when things are dead, know when to release them and bury them.  If you continue to work with the dry bones of dead issues, you too will begin to decay.  No amount of work will resuscitate a corpse. Sign the death certificate"

It is happenstance that this quote is actually about death and the subject which with I have been dealing, but the words rings so true in so many circumstances and relationships.  I believe that this is a sign that I need to move on and remember the woman she was, the relationship and closeness we had all throughout our lives, not just the last few months.  She is not coming back, she knows how I feel and I hope she knows how much it has eaten at me and my remorse for wasting those last precious months.

Moving on has brought tons of tears everyday so far this month.  My mom brought so much to Christmas; she had so much joy in every aspect: decorating the house, the tree, shopping for gifts and the satisfaction that she received knowing that she got just the right gift for just the right person.  She loved every Christmas special and every carol that was sung.

She is missed.  She is loved & finally I am letting myself mourn her instead of dealing with the guilt that I have been holding on to.

You're going to be just like her.

These past 2 weeks have been the hardest I have ever had to face.  On December 20th, my mother passed away suddenly.  On December 20th our lives changed forever.  My mom was the kind of mom that I was always jealous of.  The kind of mom we all would like to be; she was that mom who was blessed enough to be room-mom, who went on class trips, who volunteered at the school and various church function.  She was the mom that everyone knew.  My mom was the type of mom who planned family dinners nightly & who knew all of my friends.  She loved them and we all loved her.

My mother was also my father's care-giver; Pop was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma (MM) in early 2009.  My mom, who took care of my father is now gone.  My father is the strongest man that I know, he will fight this.  He'll fight for all of us.  Pop has always put in extra-hours, working hard is nothing new to him.  I am worried about him, but I know he'll survive because he's the one who taught me how to make a come back.

We had to plan a viewing and a Catholic Funeral Mass over Christmas.  We couldn't work it in before the holiday weekend, so we had these funeral arrangements looming over us for a solid week.  You may as well just have ripped out all of our hearts.

Christmas was hard.  New Years Eve was even harder.  They'll be hard for the rest of my life, I know this.  Nothing can ever prepare you for the hurt of losing a parent suddenly; the thoughts, the things you wished you'd mention, the regrets of the things that you didn't say or do.  There is a broken feeling that is truly unbearable. 

This is where my friends amaze me.  I cannot put into words (although, I'll try) how much they have been there for me. Everyday my friends have checked-in on me.  My friends, some who I've known since grade-school, have been in touch and just have been saying the most touching things and sharing memories that they have of my mom.  I even heard one of my old friends tell my Pop that my mom helped raise all the kids that went to school with us.  I have also had friends who have been through very similar situations contact me to share their experiences to help me understand what to expect and give me the support I needed.  I have never felt so much love in my life.  Every email, every text message, every card, every phone call that I received was like I was warm hug. 

So many people came to pay respect to my mom.  The love that people had for her was over-whelming.  On our way home, when everything was finally over (feeling like a weight had been lifted.  It had been 8 days since her actual death), Bryan says to me, "Mom, you're going to be exactly like her."  Knowing that I am very much like my father I had asked why he thought that.  He explained that I am the type of mom that everyone loves; not just as a mom, but as a friend and as a person...just like her, my mother, Rosemary Burns, (1942-2011).  My father has taught me how to be a hard-working woman while my mother taught me how to be a"mom" (and everything else that goes with THAT title).

Blue Suede Shoes

This weekend at work was pretty busy, after all it is the last weekend to shop before Christmas (& Hanukkah - if you celebrate); however, there is one customer that I cannot get out of my mind.  I don't know his name, but he was tall and handsome.  He had beautiful, intelligent blue eyes; a real gentleman.  You could tell he was a ladies man.  He asked me for help finding blue suede shoes, (not an unusual request, I have been helping a surprising amount of men shop for their significant others in the last couple of weeks) I showed him a pair that were the perfect shade of blue, but they were platforms, but that just wouldn't due.  His wife couldn't wear heels that high anymore.  I asked if they had to be suede; he then explained, as his adult daughter approached, that on his first date with his wife he had ruined her blue suede heels. 

This grandfather stood before me explaining that their romance started with a pair of blue suede shoes and I couldn't help but think of my grandparents.  I miss them all so much, all of my grandparents have passed away, but this gentleman reminded me specifically of my Grandpa Delaney.  He passed away when I was only 13 years old, but what an impression this man made on everyone who crossed his path.  His face was the map of Ireland, his heart was tender and his temper was hot!  He used to take us to the mall and church and on walks at the Watchung Reservation & Briant Park, he even took us to the Summit swim club (he never learned how to swim, but knew that we were like fish).  He smoked a cigar and told us stories in-between bickering with my grand mom.  He loved us all so much.  God called him home at the same age my Pop is now (Wow, that just left a pit in my stomach). 

I wish Bryan could've experienced how I grew up and the great memories that grandparents could bring.  He never did & that makes me a little sad.  My parents are still living, but they are not the greatest at providing great memories, or even coming close to the memories that I had with my grandparents, but in my opinion no one could compare.

I found a beautiful, classy pair of blue suede pumps for this gentleman's bride.  He didn't even look at the price, he didn't care.  He said that they were perfect and asked if they came with a box of tissues.  I have been wondering about this couple and her reaction to her gift.  Little does this white haired gentleman know that it is he who gave me a gift as well; the gift of a warm heart and the realization that the ones that we love, but who have passed, are all around us and it is our jobs to keep their memories alive through stories and tradition.

It's the Holday Season, with the Whoop-de-do...

Today I was in a bit of a nasty mood & needed to snap out of it.  Christmas is right around the corner and my spirits need to be lifted.  I refuse to be a cranky pants during what I consider the best holiday of the year!

This evening I had off from my 2nd job, so I took advantage of my time off, not by running (which is what I intended on doing - it was 68 degrees today!!), but by decorating for Christmas.  My apartment is small, but my tree is pretty ornate; I have been described as having "tree savvy".  I, for one, do not take that description lightly and must live up to it every year!  I have photographed my tree a million times but it never looks as fabulous as it does in person.  My tree is on a rotating tree stand for Pete's sake and that is only the beginning.

While I started my tree decorating, (it cannot be completed in just one day) I listened to classic Christmas tunes and sang my heart out.  I needed this dose of holiday spirit, boy, did I need it!!  'The Attic' (my apartment) is starting to look pretty festive and I am well on my way to wrapping my arms around this season and giving it a great big welcome back hug.

I have so many warm memories of this time of year; my Pop building the perfect fire in the fireplace,  "Sarah, come in here and look at this fire.", I can almost hear the wood crackling.  My great Aunt Mae would spend a week with us every year, she only lived in Northern New Jersey, so we saw her often, that didn't matter, my sister and I would count the days until she arrived.  She was a 4'10" Irish fire-ball, party-girl, Manhattan-drinking storyteller; she was Christmas! 

Let's not forget the 8mm camera with the bright, blinding light that Pop used to video tape us with.  The torture we felt as we woke up the house and hearing "Just five more minutes!!" from my mom & dad.  How could they do that to us?!?  Not realizing then that they had probably just gone to bed.

As crazy as the holidays get, as cranky as I am with my plate over-flowing per usual (spreading myself too thin is a big problem for me these days), I need to remind myself of the good days and that they are happening right now.  We are creating memories everyday for everyone in our lives.

I tend to kill myself making people happy; I have to remember that happiness starts within and is contagious, from hear on in I will be singing Christmas carols and being merry!!

Oh Andy Williams, how I love you this time of year!