Life is Too Short to be Stubborn

Wow, this month is really proving to be a tough one for me, the icing on the cake for 2013.

I have been very open about all of the things that I have been going through this year.  It took me a bit, but it was a definite rocky road that I have traveled, and the saga that continued.  It is what it is and I made it through another year.  Stronger & of course, smarter.

My relationship with my son is good, I have been able to spend more time with Pop, so I am looking at the positive aspects.  

BUT...

Next week it will be 2 years since the sudden death of my mom and for some reason this year is even harder than last year.  

I have almost forgiven myself for the status of our relationship when she passed away.  It was a ridiculous reason for why we weren't speaking; I am stubborn and was trying to prove a point.

Point is, life is to short to be stubborn.

I have been working on forgiving myself and just a couple of days ago I saw a Facebook status from Pope Francis and immediately knew that it was time to put my guilt behind me:

"You can't spend your life in the graveyard of guilt dealing with the corpses of the past.  Know when things are dead, know when to release them and bury them.  If you continue to work with the dry bones of dead issues, you too will begin to decay.  No amount of work will resuscitate a corpse. Sign the death certificate"

It is happenstance that this quote is actually about death and the subject which with I have been dealing, but the words rings so true in so many circumstances and relationships.  I believe that this is a sign that I need to move on and remember the woman she was, the relationship and closeness we had all throughout our lives, not just the last few months.  She is not coming back, she knows how I feel and I hope she knows how much it has eaten at me and my remorse for wasting those last precious months.

Moving on has brought tons of tears everyday so far this month.  My mom brought so much to Christmas; she had so much joy in every aspect: decorating the house, the tree, shopping for gifts and the satisfaction that she received knowing that she got just the right gift for just the right person.  She loved every Christmas special and every carol that was sung.

She is missed.  She is loved & finally I am letting myself mourn her instead of dealing with the guilt that I have been holding on to.

So what? I'm crazy.

Yeah, I am crazy for posting less-then-positive things in my blog, so what?!?  Not today...

As I scroll through today's Facebook posts I am reminded how truly blessed I am to have very happy friend. I agree, most people only post happy things on social media. Today, I am thankful that I have so many people who know that they are blessed and share that with the world.

My son is grown, so I very much miss the Easter egg dying and family traditions that hold true when children fill a household.  I, on the other-hand, and completely reveling in my friends happiness.
Of course, they all go through their struggles. Some huge, some small, all making them stronger people as they handle each individual struggle with grace and their heads held high and still basking in the happiness that is their family and friends.

I swear my friends have the most precious kids with the most angelic faces.  They publicly cherish EVERY moment spent with them by posting pictures and stories. How could anyone reading and browsing not appreciate the love that they are displaying?

Please heed my advise; soak in EVERY second.  Keep posting and enjoying the good and bad. The ups and downs. They are lessons being learned by you & your children alike.

My loved ones are happy and even I am truly blessed to be surrounded by the contagious happiness that they are exuding.  Some of my closest friends are dating the loves of their lives, some buying new cars, others are being blessed with new babies or engagements, other are showering in the contentment that they already share with their families...either way, like I said I believe 2013 is going to be glorious year. I can see this through them, my friends and family who mean so very much to me.  Keep proving me right, I love every second of this!

It's the Holday Season, with the Whoop-de-do...

Today I was in a bit of a nasty mood & needed to snap out of it.  Christmas is right around the corner and my spirits need to be lifted.  I refuse to be a cranky pants during what I consider the best holiday of the year!

This evening I had off from my 2nd job, so I took advantage of my time off, not by running (which is what I intended on doing - it was 68 degrees today!!), but by decorating for Christmas.  My apartment is small, but my tree is pretty ornate; I have been described as having "tree savvy".  I, for one, do not take that description lightly and must live up to it every year!  I have photographed my tree a million times but it never looks as fabulous as it does in person.  My tree is on a rotating tree stand for Pete's sake and that is only the beginning.

While I started my tree decorating, (it cannot be completed in just one day) I listened to classic Christmas tunes and sang my heart out.  I needed this dose of holiday spirit, boy, did I need it!!  'The Attic' (my apartment) is starting to look pretty festive and I am well on my way to wrapping my arms around this season and giving it a great big welcome back hug.

I have so many warm memories of this time of year; my Pop building the perfect fire in the fireplace,  "Sarah, come in here and look at this fire.", I can almost hear the wood crackling.  My great Aunt Mae would spend a week with us every year, she only lived in Northern New Jersey, so we saw her often, that didn't matter, my sister and I would count the days until she arrived.  She was a 4'10" Irish fire-ball, party-girl, Manhattan-drinking storyteller; she was Christmas! 

Let's not forget the 8mm camera with the bright, blinding light that Pop used to video tape us with.  The torture we felt as we woke up the house and hearing "Just five more minutes!!" from my mom & dad.  How could they do that to us?!?  Not realizing then that they had probably just gone to bed.

As crazy as the holidays get, as cranky as I am with my plate over-flowing per usual (spreading myself too thin is a big problem for me these days), I need to remind myself of the good days and that they are happening right now.  We are creating memories everyday for everyone in our lives.

I tend to kill myself making people happy; I have to remember that happiness starts within and is contagious, from hear on in I will be singing Christmas carols and being merry!!

Oh Andy Williams, how I love you this time of year!