I Lost Her a Long Time Ago.

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” - Norman Cousins

I am little anxious tonight.

This past week my aunt passed.  She was 61.

My aunt was 15 years younger then my uncle (my mom's brother). I remember being in their wedding when I was 4 years; they got married in Illinois and I was their flower girl. I thought she was super awesome, after all she had an original Led Zeppelin II album (still my favorite album EVER!). When we visited, I loved talking to her. I'd ask her a million questions and wouldn't leave her side, she was easy going and obviously one of my favorite relatives (not that I ever had that many to choose from).

She wasn't able to have children, so she and my uncle adopted my cousin when she was about 6 years old. My cousin completed their family, they/we were so happy to have her in their lives.

It all changed the day that we shared the news with them that I was pregnant with Bryan.  Her reaction was selfish; that quickly I was not someone they wanted to have in their lives anymore.  She said I was a bad influence on their now teenage daughter, but what it boiled down to was jealousy.  I had no control over the situation; I have forgiven her a long time ago.  She continued to choose to no long be a part of my life. My family, of course, stood right beside me, but my mom lost her brother that day.  No one has had much contact except for when my grandmother passed for a split second, then things went back to silence.

"Forgiveness is the final form of love." ~Reinhold Niebuhr

Tomorrow we are burying my aunt. I will make the trip to bid my farewell. I will do this out of respect for my cousin who has to say goodbye to her mother, which I know is one of the hardest things anyone has to go through.  I will be there for her just as she was  for me.

I was blessed to have had the times I did when I was younger with my aunt, but I am MORE blessed that I now have a relationship with my cousin that I missed out on for so many years.

Happy Holidays?!?

Holidays are supposed to be filled with joy, song & warmth of spirit; goodwill of men.  Youngsters have a pure soul, it is so easy for  the young to innately become the spirit of the holidays.

Thanksgiving has passed.  It is so easy for me to be thankful everyday.  In fact, I have written  throughout this year how thankful I am for friends and the things that I have been blessed with.  I work hard and have an undying loyalty to the people who love and respect me.  Yet, as the holidays grow closer, I have a knot of anxiety.

When people ask how my Thanksgiving was, it is getting harder and harder to hide that my holidays are not fun at all.  As soon as Thanksgiving was over, one of my first thoughts was, 'Ugh.  I have to see them again in 4 weeks".  Yes, I am speaking of my family.  Somewhere, somehow, we have fallen apart and I seem to be the only one who is willing to recognize and vocalize it.  I am as close to my Pop as I have always been.  He is  my heart.  We are the same person; just recently I told him how I felt, how they were making me feel, how they have made me felt for the last decade or so.  He says they love me; I say actions speak louder then words.

They don't abuse me, at least not physically, so I do know that many people have it a lot worse.  My family ignores me.  In fact, I saw one of them in the store a couple of weeks ago; as I stood there waving and saying "Hi", they continued to walk right by me in silence.  One foot away, looked at me directly and I received nothing but a blank look.  Now, I am supposed to forget that happened and dine with these people & make merry through the holidays.  I have a forgiving heart, but I don't forget.  I especially don't forget that because I expected a salutation in return to mine, I was reminded that "the world doesn't revolve around me".  Yes!  Somehow it got twisted into being my fault.

Christmas is less then 4 weeks away, I used to love Christmas.  I still do, because making others happy fills my heart, but it is quite different now that Bryan is older.  I am trying to look for the magic of the holiday, I don't want to lose it.  I have so many fabulous memories of Christmas, that I can't stand the thought of them bringing me down this year.

Life is a blessing and truthfully, I don't know how many Christmases my Pop will be here to hold my hand and tell me that he loves me and is proud of me.  Everyday that I have him here make things a little better.  He and Bryan are the reason that I will make nice this December 25th.  I will pray, as I do every year, that next year will be different. 

Until then, I will stay true to myself and know in my heart that I am not whatever it is they think of me.

On the fence, over the fence...who put this fence here?

I came very close to ending my blog; in fact I am still on the fence about opening my soul to every person I know and then some (I get nervous butterflies every time I press 'Publish').  The last blog that I wrote prompted someone to write something that I considered derogatory and disgusting as a comment.  I was so taken back by this.  I am well aware that a lot of people have access to what I write, but this person is someone who knows me (acknowledging my second employer by name, something that I didn't divulge in the post).  My heart broke.  This blog is so far from my comfort zone, that I kept it private for months before I shared it with the world.  I thought that the people that I surround myself with were true friends, the people that I write about, the people that I adore.  Clearly, this is unrequited adoration.

I have received messages from people who actually like what I write.  Maybe they can relate, maybe it makes people laugh, maybe they're bored; either way they are reading what I write and liking it.  I like writing; I write to vent, to clear my head, to keep myself honest.

I don't write a controversial blog, so I don't know why someone would purposely write something hurtful, but I don't think that I am ready to give it up.  Perhaps I need a thicker skin or to be more selective on who I choose to be my friends.

I am not going to regress on my progress and cower from one hater.  It's not who I am.  I have been through some pretty tough things in my fairly short life.  I'll be damn if I let a mean commenter get the better of me!  Just sayin'

You can't silence me that easily!