Leo, my puppychops.

“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.” 

― Will Rogers

Leonardo DiCaprio Puppychow Heek Boyer (Leo), our dog, had been in our family for 14 years.  

When I was married my ex-husband he was never very interested in having a dog, not that he doesn't like dogs, he just thought that we weren't ready for it and it wouldn't give us the freedom to just get up and go.

It was the day after my husband had told me that he didn't want to be married any longer, that he just was never in love with me, that Kelly, my then neighbor, along with Bryan who was 5 years old and her son Mitchell who was 3 and a half, took a trip to the mall.  Kelly wanted to get me out of the house, to focus on anything other then reality, being February there wasn't too much to choose from, so window shopping it was.  Since, the 2 boys were with us they naturally gravitated  towards the Kay Bee Toy store. I had been in another world, pacing toward the front of the store, just numb from my world getting turned upside-down, when a young girl came in holding puppies, her name was Asia.  She said that the puppies were up for adoption.  Her grandmother's dog had given birth to a litter a few weeks ago and they couldn't afford to care for them for much longer.  I took her number, went to my mom for advice & took the night to think about it. It didn't take too much convincing or thought to decide that a puppy was exactly what Bryan & I needed.  After all, Bryan was at a great age to start learning responsibility and I couldn't really see a downside.  I phoned Asia and met her the next day, she had one male left and we were blessed with our first dog.  Leo was only 7 weeks old so I had to spoon feed him baby cereal and take him to get his shots.  The veterinarian gave us a clean bill of health and so began our journey. 

I had never had a dog before much less a puppy and I had literally no idea what I was doing.  It was a bit if a rough start for us, I had NO IDEA the work that goes into having a new born pup.  I quickly caught on (like any puppy-mother does) and figured out that all they really want is love.  Leo became Bryan's best friend instantly.  Leo was very willing to be wrestled with, tackled, chased and used as a pillow.  He was always so happy when visitors came over, because they were obviously there to see him. (DUH!  Why else would people be over?!?)  He was an attention hog and jealous as all get out.  He was always in everyone's business and ready to give you every toy or half chewed up bone that he had upon your arrival.  

KISSES ALL OF THE TIME!!  The kisses that once annoyed me I will miss the most.  He was so loving and loved to give kisses, to the point where I had to correct him when he went to town on certain people (others could fend for themselves! that, or it was just funny to watch...).  Look at me.  Look at me.  I will give you kisses anywhere until you acknowledge me; arm pits, jeans...just pet me you fool.

Leo kissing my niece, Hadley.  Hadley saying "NO MORE!"

Leo was so full of energy.  I actually had to warn people about his high energy.  He wouldn't think twice about corning someone and demanding to be pet.  He really was quite hospitable (on his conditions) OH!  Let's not forget that ALL food was up for grabs, along with tobacco of any kind, it didn't necessarily have to be legal, alcohol, Chapstick, lipstick, prescription medication, or really anything that might be in your purse or jacket draped over a chair, but it wasn't his fault that we didn't know his rules.  Learning his rules had led to many ridiculous, memorable and some embarrassing stories.  I am so thankful for all of them.  We enjoyed this craziness and by craziness, I mean CRAZINESS!!! up until last year when it came to a screeching halt.  Leo had slowed down immensely.

One of Bryan's friends who was over recently said, he went really hard for 13 years and now he's just so tired; another nicknamed him "The Lone Majestic Wolf".  They all loved him as much as we did.

Unfortunately, this weekend I had to make a decision that no one ever wants to make.  I had to decide that it would be more humane to euthanize our family pet then see him suffer everyday.  UGH!!!  The day had come and I had to put my big girl pants and put what was best for this precious animal who I loved like family, first.  Breaking the news to Bryan was heart-wrenching.

Leo was a part of us and it is going to be hard, but I know he had a good life.  He stole our hearts and became the perfect fit for our tiny family and has been through so much with us.  Bryan and I didn't have an easy start, but once I committed to Leo, I was all in.  We may not have been rich, but that's the thing with dogs or any pet, they don't care about any of that, rich or poor, fat or thin, it is all irrelevant; what they want is completely free.

Leo, you will be missed more than I ever thought possible. You are forever in our hearts. R.I.P. my friend. 

Leo Boyer, (January 3, 2000 - February 12, 2014)

“Such short little lives our pets have to spend with us, and they spend most of it waiting for us to come home each day. 

It is amazing how much love and laughter they bring into our lives and even how much closer we become with each other because of them.” 

― John Grogan, Marley and Me: Life and Love With the World's Worst Dog

Twenty Years.

Confession:  I originally wrote this 2 weeks ago, I haven't pressed publish until today because I was scared.  I was scared that it was too personal, what would people think?  Then I was reminded today, at my part-time job, of today's date, February 8th.  It's a day that I will never ever forget.  It's a day that changed my life forever and since when do I give an eff what people think?

As I was sitting in the waiting room of my gynecologist's office this morning I realized that it has been 20 years that I have been going there.  This February will be 20 years since I found out that I was pregnant; 20 years, but I remember just like it was yesterday.

The winter of 1993-1994 was endless.  I was working at Little Caesar's Pizza inside of the Warminster K-mart, I rang the new year in with my new-ish boyfriend, Dan, at a New Years party (Dan wasn't much of a partier at the time.  Me?  I was always a partier), it was going to be a fantastic new year, I had just started a new semester at Bucks County Community College; everything was perfect and normal for this 18 year old.

It was so cold, ice storms, snow storms and blizzards made the weather just miserable .  I remember being able to go sledding down the William Tennet High School's hill what seemed like every other day.  I was still a kid, doing kid things and loving every minute of it.

[This is where it gets personal...continue on, but don't say that you weren't warned!]

Then, I had mentioned to Dan that I hadn't gotten my period in a while, but I wasn't "regular" so I had not been freaking out.  (COMPLETE DENIAL.)  He was freaking out though!  We went to a random pharmacy in the area that week and picked up a test.  It wasn't long before we found out the results.  I was sobbing, and unfortunately they weren't the "happy tears" many of my friends experience today; so many thoughts were going through my head, but I was grasping at straws and still not convinced.  Maybe the UTI that I had had faltered the test, (COMPLETE DENIAL.) so I made an appointment with my primary physician where they took blood work.

I received a phone call from the doctor within the next couple of days, which I was lucky to intercept.  Keep in mind that I lived with my parents and siblings, there weren't cell phones, so it was imperative that I be the one to answer this call.  The nurse simply stated that the pregnancy test came back positive and that I should make an appointment with an obstetrician, then she said something about my "bun in the oven" and I didn't hear a word after that.  F&@K!!  All of a sudden I was a adult, making adult decisions.

I had to figure out how to tell everyone and by "everyone", I mean my parents.  I am still here to talk about it, so obviously I survived, but it was THE MOST TERRIFYING experience of my life.  They wanted answers that I couldn't provide.  How are you going to do this?  How is/that going to happen?  Is he going to stay with you?  Screaming ensued.  I was a scared little girl, who was already 8 weeks pregnant with her new-ish boyfriend's child.  I was 18 years old and Dan was 17 years old.  It was the rest of our lives we were planning, there were way more questions then answers and I barely had any answers.

My parents calmed down and when Bryan was born they loved him more than words could express.  It turns out that my new-ish boyfriend stuck around and became a great father; as a teenage mom I had no idea what I was doing, I felt like "mom's" should know more than I did and thought how was I going to teach a kid when I was still learning?

I found out that if you ask for help people will help you.  God has placed some very significant people in my life and on my path.  I am so grateful for EVERYTHING, no matter how great or small.  Everything matters when you're in need.  God saw that I needed great friends and delivered.  It really does take a village.

This September Bryan will be 20 years old and I have been blessed enough to raise this outspoken, opinionated, honest, and one of the most loyal guys that I have ever met.  He is ridiculously confident and funny, and he's easy to talk to.  He's had his share of shenanigans, but he wouldn't be our child if he didn't.

20 years ago, I had a decision to make, I thank God everyday that I made the right one.

Hello wall...how you doin'?

This is going to be a much harder year then I thought.  Right now my head is spinning.

Today, I had an appointment with my son's school guidance counselor.  It was a good meeting, putting a lot of my anxiety to rest; that is until I just just got done speaking to...er, I mean arguing with, Bryan.  An argument which at the end had me in tears.  Parents, as awesome as your kids turn out, they will ALL still be teenagers at some point and well, as prepared as you think you are, nothing can prepare you for how mean they can be.

We are only in the 5th week of school, what could possibly be the issue?  College.  I feel like I am talking to a wall, kicking a dead horse perhaps.  Anyway you look at it, I am getting no where fast.  You would think that he'd be amped to get out and on his own.  I am willing to help him do whatever it takes for him to get into the schools he wants to apply to.  He is dragging his feet.  The fights are wearing me down.

Tonight, I broke.  I called my ex-husband in tears, woke him up, got him worried.  I had to let him know where I was in a matter of speaking.  I had to tell him so we didn't get played against each other; he is my partner in raising this person who insists on being my nemesis this week.  I CANNOT do this by myself, I never pretended any differently.  My sanity is on the brink of doom; it's time to bring in the big dog...his father.

Dan has a completely different relationship with Bryan then I do; he's a father and a pal.  They play video games, wrestle are complete @sses to each other, but there is respect.  There has always been respect.  I never wanted it any other way.  Bryan respects me as well, just in a different way which is fine in most circumstances, but when I have to pull out the dad card, believe me I do.

Dan and I are almost always on the same page when it comes to our son; if we aren't at first we discuss until we get there.  There is none of this "well, Dad said..." business; we have agreed to always be or at least try our best to be a united front.  Yes, we are divorced, but have the same goal in raising our son to be a successful young man, who can go into the world and make something of himself.  We want him to have better then we had (& be the least effed up as possible).

Right now, I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I know it is there, but it is only October.  My heart breaks at the thought of him leaving me to venture off to college in August, but right now I don't even want to see his precious face.  URGH!! 

Invisible kindness

It was the end of April when the co-owners of the company called an "all employee" meeting.  All morning I walked around with anxiety thinking about what this meeting was going to be about.  I don't even remember the last time that we had an "all employee" meeting.
My company consists of 15 people.  Fifteen people who have worked side-by-side for years; some since the start of the company in 2002. 
At the meeting, the bosses told us that because business was so slow they would be cutting our hours back to 32 hours; this would be instead of laying off 4 people.  No one wants to see anyone leave, so we were all on board.  It would be like losing a family member.  We were told this would be for the whole month of May and that they would revisit the situation in June.
It is now the middle of May; just two weeks into the dreaded month & things are tight.  Plans are being cancelled, by not just me, but everyone.  Tears are flowing and the office is silent.  Today, I went in to ask, realistically was June looking any better.  My answer was what I suspected, but not what I wanted to hear.  Tears.
This just sucks is all I can say.  People have it so much worse then I do, so how am I going to complain?  Everyone is just bummed out, but when I came out of work today there was something shoved into the drivers side window.  I pulled it out and it was $5.00.  Just $5.00, but that bill put a smile on my face.  First of all, I thought well that's weird.  Who does something like that?  Then, I felt guilty.  Well, what if the person thought I had lost it? Then, I thought someone, somewhere is looking out for me.  Five dollars, not much money on a grand scale, but I was on my last roll of toilet paper.
Thank you to the kind stranger.  When I can, I will pay-it-forward.  I pinky swear.