Surviving motherhood (so far!!)

Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed.  ~Linda Wooten

I know that this is weird to say, but this year is the first year that I have finally felt like a mom.  Weird, yes I realize, considering I've been called that name for years now.

I have always been very close with my son; having him at such a young age, you can't expect otherwise.  When Bryan was young I was the only one of my friends with a child. I had no clue what mothering was supposed to feel like, I didn't discuss feeling or emotion of motherhood on social networks (they hadn't been created yet), I knew I had to do the best for him by using common sense; putting him first and keep him alive seemed logical.

I looked at it as survival I suppose. I worked A LOT and went to college (although it was briefly, I still went). I came home and spent time with Bryan & did it all again the next day. As he got older, I ran around to different events he was involved with, after school activities, etc.; quick dinners and short showers are how we existed. 

When Mother's Day rolled around, I never thought that the holiday was about me, after all, like I said, I never thought of what I was doing as mothering, but surviving, adapting to the ever changing, and often fatiguing days. If I got through another day of fighting to do homework or sitting at the table until his plate was clean it was a win.  EVERYDAY that we got through without killing each other WAS A WIN.  Sounds familiar, huh?!?

It wasn't until this year,  his 18th year that I felt like, HOLY SH*T, THIS MOM STUFF IS FOR THE BIRDS. Yes! I said it.  Some days this how we (moms) feel.  Shitty of me to write it for the world to read, oh well. If you haven't felt that way you're a better person than I.

This year I lived it.  He was causing sleepless nights, not like when he was little, these sleepless nights were not due to feeding schedules, bad dreams or cleaning up vomit (one might call that mothering), but my sleepless nights were now spent thinking: is he going to get in to school?  If he does, where is the money going to come from?  Then it flipped to...he has to find a job?  When the HELL is he going to find a job?  Get off your ass and find a job, please, for the love of God?!?  OK...if I ask him to move out, where would he go?  Is he going to hate me?  Will it sever out relationship?

All those sleepless nights made for VERY TERRIBLE days.  My whole demeanor had changed.  I needed to be a MOTHER and this is the hardest mothering months I had to face in 18 years.  Mainly because most of these things that kept me up at night were out of my hands.  I could only do so much and leave the rest to God.  

I sleep now.  I see my son on a pretty regular basis, my heart is not heavy and my thoughts are more clear, more positive.  This person whom the sun rises and sets on for me; this kid who I love to the moon and back is now surviving by himself (for the most part).

Could motherhood be seeing your better self making decisions, good or bad, surviving in today's world?  I guess we should add that to the VERY LONG definition of the word treasured by so many.

Missing my mom & LOVING my son!

I never thought about what Mother's Day would be like with my mom not around, I mean who does?  I never really thought of any day without my mom around.

Earlier this week I would've ordered my mom's flowers to have them delivered by Sunday.  I reached for the phone a few times, only to stop myself mid-dial.

In the last few years Bryan and I have done our own thing on Mother's Day (Since he's been a teenager, it's the one day that I can really pin him down and spend some quality time).  If I had known it was going to the last Mother's Day that I would spend with her,  I still would choose to spend it with Bryan and she would totally understand. She knew that I needed that time with him, that as a working mom, I never got to spend the time that I wanted with him. 

I love my mom she was the mom EVERYONE loved & knew.

As Bryan got older I knew she often didn't agree on the way that I was raising him.  She would bite her tongue, but I could read her like a book.  I have a close relationship with Bryan, I keep (or try to) an open mind and struggle not to judge (it's not the Christian thing to do after-all) him or his friends.  I let him make mistakes (to an extent, when he messed  up badly, it is not pretty, my consequences tend to be extreme, but I don't have to do it too often) and when he FINALLY does decide he wants to open up, I am there, listening /giving my honest opinion.

I learned a lot from my mom.  I learned patience, she loved my dad so much, I knew she had a lot of it.  She always was SO extremely nice that she was often treated as a door mat.  I vowed NEVER to be treated that way and often stressed to her that people treat you the way you wanted to be treated (part of the reason, my Pop & I get along so very well, he knows that I won't take his shenanigans).  I miss this woman, my mom and her kind heart, each & everyday.  I feel guilty for not letting her know what an influence she was on me.

ANYWHO...

This year I am pretty proud of myself.  I have raised a son that I haven't screwed up too badly!!  The major damage is that he has this ENORMOUS ego.  (I'm am a believer in positive reinforcement).  I ask for forgiveness for this monster that I have created.  The first thing that I said to him is "he's gorgeous!!" (the whole time that I was pregnant, I was praying for a healthy, CUTE baby - keep in mind I was teenager & these are the things the were important)  Bryan is the perfect mix of cocky and sweet, which is lethal in the female department.  Adults think he is funny because he is smart and witty; but since I am his mom & I have a blatant abhorrence for his 'tone'; so yes, he is a normal teenager.

Bryan has also FINALLY decided on where he is going to spend the next four years.  He will be attending Bloomsburg University of Pennsylvania in the Northeast region of PA a/k/a "coal country" in August.  He was accepted into the business school, so God-willing he will have a successful college career.  I am finding this next chapter to be quite bitter-sweet; while I love my son with my whole heart and soul and have lived my life for his every breath, it is time for us to live separately.  We have been butting heads & fighting more and more as of late and it makes me sad. 

It is going to be a HUGE adjustment, I am just hoping that Bryan is not to cool to Skype with me once a week. I already can't wait until he comes home to visit! 

Own your Motherhood.

Motherhood is a roller coaster ride.

As I have mentioned before I have a teenager, a 16 year old to be exact.  I had him while I was a teenager (not something I recommend, by the way).  I'll be honest, I was not a fan of kids when I was younger.  I never had a baby-sitting job and the thought of sticky fingers made me ill, but there I was faced to face with motherhood.  When I found out that I was pregnant I cried and cried; knowing that termination was never something I would consider, I was faced with the decision of raising this child or adoption.  What a decision for a teenager to make;  the same teen who could barely decide what to wear to school that day.  I remember the discussion with his dad.  He swore that he would take care of us and not walk away.  How could I be so trusting?  How could this be happening to me?  But I was "in love", so I trusted.

When Bryan was born I still lived with my parents and his dad lived with his mom.  A couple of years later his father and I married, eventually bought a house.  Dan was telling the truth, he really was taking care of us.  We eventually divorced, but Bryan's dad was always a good dad.  Soccer coach, always at back to school nights, and I religiously forward him Bryan's school progress reports.

Even though I have been doing this motherhood thing for 16+ years, I still don't feel like I own it.  Motherhood.  My mom, now she owned motherhood.  She had three kids, two of us are 13 months apart.  As, she reminds me, she had 2 in diapers.  We had family dinners every night.  I mean real home cooked dinners.  She was a room mother, a lunch lady, a car pool driver; she was everything.  My friends loved her, after all she knew them all.  She also was blessed enough to be a stay-at-home mom. 

I am blessed.  Blessed because his dad made good on his promise.  Blessed because it turns out that I have a truly awesome kid.  Not a perfect kid, but he grew up with values and and morals.  I always let him form his own opinions and boy does he voice them.  He works, he gets good grades and has manners and respect.
I was always a working mother.  A mother with a full-time job.  A mother who couldn't always be in school at Christmas parties or go on class trips.  I don't always have dinner on the table at 6 p.m. & I only had to keep track of one child.  I feel like Mother's Day isn't a holiday for me, not because I lack mothering skills, but because everyone who has helped me along the way deserves recognition.  So many people who love us, who have been through every step with us, they deserve to be honored.  I am just a mom who has the best blessing ever; a beautiful baby boy who has grown into a handsome young man.

Happy Mother's Day to all Mom's!  You are blessed.