MOM

Mother 

[muhth-er]  - noun

1. Someone who will love you unconditionally, till her last breath.

Today is 2 years since my mom passed away.  December 20th is always going to be hard.

I am selfishly missing my mom this year, more than last.  I say selfishly because I am a believer in the afterlife. I believe that my mom's spirit gets to hang out with EVERYONE that she cares about on Earth all of the time, and at the same time if she chooses.  She is finally reunited with her parents, aunts, uncles and best friend from high school who passed away just a few months before her.

In Heaven's perfection I know that there is no more pain, no more stress and all love.  I said selfishly because if we know that there is this place, this plane, this dimension, so close to Earth why wouldn't we want the people who have crossed over to be there?  So close to us that sometimes we can literally feel them, but far enough to live in perfection.

I selfishly want to celebrate Christmas one more time with my mom.  I want to wrap my arms around her and tell her how much I love her.  I want to say bye; then I reflect (as I do - A LOT) that my wants don't matter, God knew what he was doing.  He knew that I didn't have to say bye because she is here, she is celebrating and she knows that I love her.

There is this "new normal" way of doing things; without her they seem weird and a little awkward perhaps, we're still getting used to them. It's going to be OK because it's all part of His plan; time and the love of family and friends, heals all wounds.

My Christmas Angel Forever

Surviving motherhood (so far!!)

Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed.  ~Linda Wooten

I know that this is weird to say, but this year is the first year that I have finally felt like a mom.  Weird, yes I realize, considering I've been called that name for years now.

I have always been very close with my son; having him at such a young age, you can't expect otherwise.  When Bryan was young I was the only one of my friends with a child. I had no clue what mothering was supposed to feel like, I didn't discuss feeling or emotion of motherhood on social networks (they hadn't been created yet), I knew I had to do the best for him by using common sense; putting him first and keep him alive seemed logical.

I looked at it as survival I suppose. I worked A LOT and went to college (although it was briefly, I still went). I came home and spent time with Bryan & did it all again the next day. As he got older, I ran around to different events he was involved with, after school activities, etc.; quick dinners and short showers are how we existed. 

When Mother's Day rolled around, I never thought that the holiday was about me, after all, like I said, I never thought of what I was doing as mothering, but surviving, adapting to the ever changing, and often fatiguing days. If I got through another day of fighting to do homework or sitting at the table until his plate was clean it was a win.  EVERYDAY that we got through without killing each other WAS A WIN.  Sounds familiar, huh?!?

It wasn't until this year,  his 18th year that I felt like, HOLY SH*T, THIS MOM STUFF IS FOR THE BIRDS. Yes! I said it.  Some days this how we (moms) feel.  Shitty of me to write it for the world to read, oh well. If you haven't felt that way you're a better person than I.

This year I lived it.  He was causing sleepless nights, not like when he was little, these sleepless nights were not due to feeding schedules, bad dreams or cleaning up vomit (one might call that mothering), but my sleepless nights were now spent thinking: is he going to get in to school?  If he does, where is the money going to come from?  Then it flipped to...he has to find a job?  When the HELL is he going to find a job?  Get off your ass and find a job, please, for the love of God?!?  OK...if I ask him to move out, where would he go?  Is he going to hate me?  Will it sever out relationship?

All those sleepless nights made for VERY TERRIBLE days.  My whole demeanor had changed.  I needed to be a MOTHER and this is the hardest mothering months I had to face in 18 years.  Mainly because most of these things that kept me up at night were out of my hands.  I could only do so much and leave the rest to God.  

I sleep now.  I see my son on a pretty regular basis, my heart is not heavy and my thoughts are more clear, more positive.  This person whom the sun rises and sets on for me; this kid who I love to the moon and back is now surviving by himself (for the most part).

Could motherhood be seeing your better self making decisions, good or bad, surviving in today's world?  I guess we should add that to the VERY LONG definition of the word treasured by so many.

Ready or Not. Transitions.

It sometimes seems like I have all the words and then lately it seems like I don't have any...or maybe just not the right ones.

Everything is moving so quickly. 

It's like you threw your cap up on graduation day and are now trying frantically to find it.  Misplaced, but rummaging through the same things.  You could pick up any old cap and call it your own, but you're determined to find YOURS.  The PANIC.  The CHAOS.  Was is worth it?

Your answer:  ABSOLUTELY!  You can't imagine it any other way.

I believe it was worth every second.  It's been 18 years since I found out my life was going to change, everyday I was misplaced, trying to find my way, rummaging to find the answers.  STILL rummaging to find the answers.  Every age comes with a different challenge, the older they become the more intense the conflicts, the harder it is.  IT IS AGONIZING. 

It is lately that I am dealing with this acutely opinionated young man, accelerating towards adulthood.  EXHAUSTING.

Next week he will be graduating from high school; in a couple of months he will be starting his freshman year in college.  BITTERSWEET.  We clicked on the submit button to accept financial aid, then to accept loans and with each click the nausea kicks in.  My son is entering adulthood, BUT is not yet 18 years old.  SCARY.

What is even scarier is that I will have to learn how to live by myself.  In all of my adult life I have never lived by myself or for myself.  It is going to be a HUGE adaption; like learning to operate after losing a body part (I can only imagine).  I am hardly looking forward to this transition.  CONFUSION.

We, truth be told, have been fighting A LOT.  Do we need to live apart sooner then later?  YES, if only to save a life; his and/or mine.  BITTERSWEET.  After all, every breath that I have taken, every decision that  have made has been for the love of my only child.  HEART-BREAKING.

TRANSITIONS are a part of life, a GOOD PART of life.  THRIVING.

Missing my mom & LOVING my son!

I never thought about what Mother's Day would be like with my mom not around, I mean who does?  I never really thought of any day without my mom around.

Earlier this week I would've ordered my mom's flowers to have them delivered by Sunday.  I reached for the phone a few times, only to stop myself mid-dial.

In the last few years Bryan and I have done our own thing on Mother's Day (Since he's been a teenager, it's the one day that I can really pin him down and spend some quality time).  If I had known it was going to the last Mother's Day that I would spend with her,  I still would choose to spend it with Bryan and she would totally understand. She knew that I needed that time with him, that as a working mom, I never got to spend the time that I wanted with him. 

I love my mom she was the mom EVERYONE loved & knew.

As Bryan got older I knew she often didn't agree on the way that I was raising him.  She would bite her tongue, but I could read her like a book.  I have a close relationship with Bryan, I keep (or try to) an open mind and struggle not to judge (it's not the Christian thing to do after-all) him or his friends.  I let him make mistakes (to an extent, when he messed  up badly, it is not pretty, my consequences tend to be extreme, but I don't have to do it too often) and when he FINALLY does decide he wants to open up, I am there, listening /giving my honest opinion.

I learned a lot from my mom.  I learned patience, she loved my dad so much, I knew she had a lot of it.  She always was SO extremely nice that she was often treated as a door mat.  I vowed NEVER to be treated that way and often stressed to her that people treat you the way you wanted to be treated (part of the reason, my Pop & I get along so very well, he knows that I won't take his shenanigans).  I miss this woman, my mom and her kind heart, each & everyday.  I feel guilty for not letting her know what an influence she was on me.

ANYWHO...

This year I am pretty proud of myself.  I have raised a son that I haven't screwed up too badly!!  The major damage is that he has this ENORMOUS ego.  (I'm am a believer in positive reinforcement).  I ask for forgiveness for this monster that I have created.  The first thing that I said to him is "he's gorgeous!!" (the whole time that I was pregnant, I was praying for a healthy, CUTE baby - keep in mind I was teenager & these are the things the were important)  Bryan is the perfect mix of cocky and sweet, which is lethal in the female department.  Adults think he is funny because he is smart and witty; but since I am his mom & I have a blatant abhorrence for his 'tone'; so yes, he is a normal teenager.

Bryan has also FINALLY decided on where he is going to spend the next four years.  He will be attending Bloomsburg University of Pennsylvania in the Northeast region of PA a/k/a "coal country" in August.  He was accepted into the business school, so God-willing he will have a successful college career.  I am finding this next chapter to be quite bitter-sweet; while I love my son with my whole heart and soul and have lived my life for his every breath, it is time for us to live separately.  We have been butting heads & fighting more and more as of late and it makes me sad. 

It is going to be a HUGE adjustment, I am just hoping that Bryan is not to cool to Skype with me once a week. I already can't wait until he comes home to visit! 

COLLEGE BOUND!

Today was rough day.  Work was a typical crazy Monday, but what made it even harder was that I barely slept at all last night.  Sleeping is still a rarity these days, but I am still trying to plow through.  My support system is stronger than ever, and everyday I am feeling more like myself.

After this seemingly endless day, I came home and brought the mail up to "The Attic" (that's what I call my itty bitty living space).  Bryan had two pieces today; they were from two of the Universities that he had applied to.  He open the first one with the reaction "Oh sh!t!  I got into Bloomsburg."  We both had thought that the letter was a parking pass for our upcoming visit.  The second was his acceptance letter to Kutztown University.  How exciting!!!  He still has a school to hear from and he has until the end of April to make his decision, but it is exciting none-the-less!!

At that very moment I felt like I had fulfilled this huge accomplishment.  One of my main goals of this whole motherhood gig was to get Bryan into college.  Bryan knew exactly what I was thinking too.  He said, "Are you glad to know that I am definitely going to college?"  Am I glad?  I am elated!  My child, the one that I have raised...the one that we have collectively raised is college-bound.  COLLEGE BOUND!!! 

Another goal of mine was that I raised a child who wasn't completely effed up.  Now, that is still to be determined, but as far as I can tell the job that I have done isn't too shabby.  He is a typical teenager who gets in trouble because he doesn't use his head.  He knows it ALL.  His mouth is fresh & he is sarcastic, but weren't we all?  He also respects adults, is LOYAL to his friends and although he doesn't cuddle with me on the couch, like so many of my friend's little ones, he doesn't hesitate to tell me he loves me in front of everyone and anyone.

Today reminded me of how wonderful life is; the up and downs, sometimes all in one day.  The exhilarating roller coaster ride that someday we don't want to end and other days we are so ready to get off. 
Today was filled with wonderful news, a perfect Valentine's gift to receive from the one who is my "heart".  My love, my son.

busy! please try again later. thanks.

Definition of Busy: adjective,
1. occupied by some activity; at work; not idle
2. full of activity, characterized by much action or motion

The last couple of weeks have been filled with busyness, emotion & a severe lack of time.  My head has been everywhere and no where.  I should be used to this feeling because this has been the typical month of September since Bryan started to walk.  It seems that no matter how much I prepare for it, the month of September NEVER gets to be any easier.

When Bryan was smaller it was filled with birthday party planning and soccer.  Bryan's love for soccer grew to a passion and fall became the time of year for multiple practices a week & all weekend, every weekend games.  Bryan's dad, being a life long soccer player himself, coached every one of Bryan's teams; both were like fish in water.  Enter, the rest of the September fun.

As Bryan got older there came more 'things' to add to our already busy weekly schedule.  Back to School nights, class mom duties, homework, dinner-time (which was always a little piece of hell in my house)...oh yea, working full time and keeping a house.  Let's not forget the little things that drive us all crazy at the beginning of the school year, just picture day can get one frazzled; "I'd like you wear this..." and then the fight erupts.  Every single mom was going through the same thing; why did they seem so much more graceful?  Why did they seem to have everything under control?  Husbands; that was the difference between those moms & myself.  The women who seemed to have it all together had a partner.  Dan was & is my partner in raising Bryan, but we didn't always have the solidarity that we have now; so, yea, I was missing the one factor that I envied in every other graceful, put-together mom.  Help.

These weeks have felt the same, yet completely different then every other year.  It feels the same because we are just was busy as every other September sans soccer; different because at Back to School night my ex-husband and I spoke to Bryan's counselor about the college process.  This was our final Back to School night; a night that I always looked at as an inconvenience is now a part of our history.
Bryan also has passed his driver's license test.  Surprisingly I am not nervous, he has had his permit for nearly a year and has had more then enough time on the road.  Hopefully, he'll stay smart.

The 2nd job is a whole other story.  I am exhausted & working two jobs is taking valuable time away from my YMCA people who I miss tons.  You don't know what a stress reliever the gym is until you can't get there.  Those people hold my sanity in the palms of their hands. 

All these new shenanigans are stressful and yes, time consuming, but this time Dan and I are aligned in the parenting department, so I don't feel as hopelessly sloppy as I did years ago.  YaY me!!

Will Septembers ever get easier?  Sure.  Bryan will eventually graduate from college.  It is then that I will miss the chaos of school nights and the craziness that it invites into everyone's household.  Here's to another four years of living life for my kid and doing the only job I was truly born to do; being Bryan's (not-so) graceful mom and doing it with a smile on my face and a glass of wine in my hand.

A Good Day!

“You're thought about more often than you probably can guess, and thoughts of you just naturally bring smiles of happiness.” - Anonymous

Today is a good day, the best day of the year in my estimation; today is the day that my son was born.  Today he turns 17 years old.  Now, this is huge because truthfully I cannot keep a plant alive no matter how hard I try, but I somehow managed to to raise a pretty fantastic young man; to say that I have been truly blessed is an understatement.
Today is equally important to his father, I am sure.  Now, I cannot speak for him, but I am pretty sure he is counting the days until is 18th birthday and his years of child support are history.  Lately, Dan has been much more generous and supportive then any amount of money could buy and I am so appreciative.

Seventeen was one of my favorite years and it is blowing my mind that Bryan is there right now.  Remember back to 17?  No bills, every extra minute spent with friends, nothing to worry about but homework and where the next party was or where everyone was hanging out & only a part-time job was necessary to pay mom & dad for car insurance.  Bryan is living that right now.  I hope he appreciates every second of being 17 years old.  I also hope & pray that he makes good smart decisions and thinks about the consequences before doing anything stupid.

This year is Bryan's Senior year of high school, and there is no doubt that it will be a busy, stressful year.  Here's to getting through it so he lives to see his 18th. 

Remembering...

September is the month to celebrate.  It always has been since the very day that I was born, then at 19 years old I had more reason to celebrate because I had been blessed with the reason that I wake up everyday, my son Bryan.  He was born just 6 days after my birthday making him the best birthday present ever.
Those 6 days that fall in between our birthdays used to be filled with anticipation for Bryan when he was younger, because he knew that his was so so close.  It was filled with anticipation for me because I love to give my favorite person presents and I never wanted to wait to see his precious little face light up when he finally opens them.

Now, those days that fill the time between our birthdays are filled with thoughts of one day in September, 2001.  In fact, as it nears September, I being to feel my heart get a little bit heavier.  This year marks the 10th anniversary of that horrific event, just 90 miles up the street.  On September 11, 2001, the United States of America was attacked by terrorists in New York City, Pennsylvania and Washington DC.  On that day lives were changed forever.

On September 11, 2001, I was a young mom, in my mid-twenties, divorced a couple of years, working in retail as a department manager.  Most of my friends still had not had an children, but everything that I did was for mine or with him in mind.  When a managers meeting was just getting ready to start and our Human Resources manager came running in to tell us that a plane hit the World Trade Center, I couldn't fully comprehend UNTIL we all went into the break room and watched on the TV what the news would end up repeating over-and-over and what every American will never be able to erase from their brains.  I remember my heart feeling like it was physically breaking, the heaviness in my chest (the same heaviness that I get every September now) was making me weak in the knees; the sadness was over-whelming, but I didn't cry.  I watched.  I watched and was scared, boy, was I scared.  Was I that naive that I thought that this would or could never happen to us?!?  I needed to find out how Bryan was; I called this school.  He was in second grade and was about to turn 7 that year.  The administration had told me that they announced what had happened, but wanted to keep things as normal as possible, but I was allowed to pick him up if I wanted to.  I opted not to, but I had to think about how I was going to handle this once I had picked him up from after-school care.  I was so young and didn't exactly have any answers myself.

I asked Bryan the other night, 'What do you remember about 9/11?'.  He went on to tell me exactly where he was sitting and what was being taught, but then he said, I remember not really caring when I heard.  A very honest answer and in reality, I am sure that he didn't, then he saw the TV footage and had a million questions just like the rest of us.
I am always very real with Bryan, so I didn't sugar coat.  I wasn't going to hide that there are bad people out there, I wasn't going to say that this wasn't going to happen again, but I was going to make sure that Bryan knew that you still had to treat people the way you would want to be treated.  Just because there are absolutely rotten people out there, let's not pretend that there aren't, we have to be bigger, more united and stronger then they are.  There are people who are always going to be jealous; jealous of what Americans have and represent, but if we stand together then we will over-come.
September 12, 2001 there was a thunder & lightning storm.  Bryan woke up screaming.  He thought we were being bombed.  It broke my heart.  The sleeplessness didn't last long, but I'll never forget.

Since then, New York has become one of my favorite places to visit.  It really reminds a person how very small one is in the big scheme of things; something I think everyone need to be reminded once-and-a-while. 
We have gone to Ground Zero, the name that has been given to the site where The Twin Towers once stood.  We have paid our condolences to those lives that were lost and changed forever.  We have mourned the American soldiers lost in battle defending us.  We prayed and still do for the soldiers to come home safely to their families. 

I hope that the family and friends of victims and all those who had to endure the pain of September 11, 2001 have grown from this tragedy and become stronger people.  This year is only the 10th anniversary, you will never be forgotten and are all considered heroes in my eyes.

Own your Motherhood.

Motherhood is a roller coaster ride.

As I have mentioned before I have a teenager, a 16 year old to be exact.  I had him while I was a teenager (not something I recommend, by the way).  I'll be honest, I was not a fan of kids when I was younger.  I never had a baby-sitting job and the thought of sticky fingers made me ill, but there I was faced to face with motherhood.  When I found out that I was pregnant I cried and cried; knowing that termination was never something I would consider, I was faced with the decision of raising this child or adoption.  What a decision for a teenager to make;  the same teen who could barely decide what to wear to school that day.  I remember the discussion with his dad.  He swore that he would take care of us and not walk away.  How could I be so trusting?  How could this be happening to me?  But I was "in love", so I trusted.

When Bryan was born I still lived with my parents and his dad lived with his mom.  A couple of years later his father and I married, eventually bought a house.  Dan was telling the truth, he really was taking care of us.  We eventually divorced, but Bryan's dad was always a good dad.  Soccer coach, always at back to school nights, and I religiously forward him Bryan's school progress reports.

Even though I have been doing this motherhood thing for 16+ years, I still don't feel like I own it.  Motherhood.  My mom, now she owned motherhood.  She had three kids, two of us are 13 months apart.  As, she reminds me, she had 2 in diapers.  We had family dinners every night.  I mean real home cooked dinners.  She was a room mother, a lunch lady, a car pool driver; she was everything.  My friends loved her, after all she knew them all.  She also was blessed enough to be a stay-at-home mom. 

I am blessed.  Blessed because his dad made good on his promise.  Blessed because it turns out that I have a truly awesome kid.  Not a perfect kid, but he grew up with values and and morals.  I always let him form his own opinions and boy does he voice them.  He works, he gets good grades and has manners and respect.
I was always a working mother.  A mother with a full-time job.  A mother who couldn't always be in school at Christmas parties or go on class trips.  I don't always have dinner on the table at 6 p.m. & I only had to keep track of one child.  I feel like Mother's Day isn't a holiday for me, not because I lack mothering skills, but because everyone who has helped me along the way deserves recognition.  So many people who love us, who have been through every step with us, they deserve to be honored.  I am just a mom who has the best blessing ever; a beautiful baby boy who has grown into a handsome young man.

Happy Mother's Day to all Mom's!  You are blessed.