2013, SEE YA!!

2013 WAS A RUTHLESS BITCH; from the beginning to the end.  Some years are like that, life lessons, growing stronger...yes, I get it.  Well, I am over it!  Turning lemons in to lemonade, I know every positive thought there is, trust me.

Maybe it is odd numbered years that I struggle with?  I am a bit OCD.

I am looking forward to 2014.  Realistically, I know just because you hang up a brand new calendar it doesn't necessarily mean things will change.  I will make them change.  I will take the shit that was handed to me in 2013 and turn it into sugar.  I have a faithful God who is looking over me and is giving me opportunities.  He has blessed me so much thus far, I can hardly lose faith now, not when I need it the most.

I have enjoyed some of it, I won't lie.  It started off a bit rocky for Bryan and I, if you recall.  I love this person more than I could ever imagine, unconditionally; this year taught me that.  I don't know if people actually realize this until something threatens their relationship with their child; illness, circumstance, what-have-you.  Of course, I have always loved Bryan unconditionally even before he was born, but when there is a real chance that you may lose that relationship "that love" changes into some unexplainable love.  It was such a struggle for me to let him grow; it sounds so natural, him leaving home and becoming more independent; it's not.  At least not for this Momma Bear.  It was losing control, worry and anxiety.  Letting him go was the hardest thing that EVER had to do in my life. (I surrendered to therapy and started feeling much better, by the way.) He doesn't agree, but I think he has grown as person.  I hope 2014 brings him wisdom and he sees the opportunities life hands him and takes advantage of them.

Also, I have seen so many people that I love having an amazing 2013 and as I said before, seeing my friends and their families flourish makes me happy; their gorgeous children, other halves and friends having geniune fabulous times.  I appreciate their happiness, it has become a realization that life is too short to not appreciate the little things.  Cherish every detail, every memory and keep posting because I know that my happiness is right around the corner and in-the-mean-time, I'll cherish yours.

So, see ya 2013...Here's to a FABULOUS 2014!  Making memories, living life, laughing, loving & cherishing EVERY SINGLE MOMENT.

When God Closes a Door, He Opens a Window

I cannot believe that I have only written 9 blogs this year.  Pathetic.  I have had so much to say.

A few months ago I had been dealing with my anxiety, my very horrible anxiety that lasted throughout the whole entire summer.  Alas, I surrendered and got the help that I needed to get myself in check and start to feel like myself again.

Now as most of you know for the last two plus years I have had 2 jobs.  I like to keep myself busy and more importantly out of my head.  At the end of this past September, things changed suddenly at my full-time job.  I came back from lunch and I found out that one of our biggest clients was closing its doors; over the next few weeks there were meetings upon meetings and lots of ideas being tossed in the air to try to keep the doors of the office, which seemed like home to me, open.  Unfortunately, my bosses had to make some very difficult decisions.  They had no choice but to lay myself and most of my co-workers off.

This has been especially hard because this is a job that I liked a lot.  I left for a couple of years, but was offered my job back, so without hesitation I found my way home.  This particular job has had many highs and lows.  I have met so many amazing people who have been an incredible help to Bryan and I throughout my 11 years knowing them.  I have cried when life got hard and they cried with me and laughter GALORE!!  We yelled at each other and made up.  They embraced me and held my hands, never leaving my side when I got the news that my mother died suddenly.  I was meant to be around people who loved me.

There are the people who I was in contact with daily.  The other people who filled my days with laughter.  My favorites who were now out of work as well.  I miss their voices.  We worked like a well-oiled machine together.  I was glad to have them in my life.

October rolls around and I am job hunting.  My full-time job has become finding a full-time job.  It is exhausting.  I am explaining to people my current situation and they are uber-positive that I will be employed in no time.  "When God closes a door, He opens a window" they say.  I have been hearing this phrase in a variety of different way for weeks now; all true, but I need to find this window.

I do believe life gives one opportunities and one can either waste them or cultivate them.  I can't sit at home and waste my brain on day-time TV, so with this opportunity that God presented me with I think I will be going back to school.  A four-year college is in my immediate future and I am scared.  It has been 15 years since I took my last class at community college and EVERYTHING has changed.  EVERYTHING!!

I am a notorious commitment-phobe in every aspect of my being.  It is the scariest thing ever for me, so committing myself to a four-year college is huge, but this is a subject for a different blog.

Don't worry I will still be job searching; I have an interview suit ready for when I am able to land one and I am excited to get back to work.  I had to peek out this open window and see what this other path offered...apparently life has other plans for me.

Certainly...A Rocky Start

I cannot believe that it is the middle of March and that this is my first post of the new year, but I am excited to get back in the saddle.
How did my year start off? Why the rocky start? Well, how do I put this? I hate negativity.  Recently, a friend said to me that "only crazy people put negative personal stuff on the internet", I am about to show you how crazy I can be, I am writing about life and let's face it, it's not all peaches and cream.  Please be prepared for an honest and real post.

I found out that being a mom of a teenage boy (or teenagers in general, I suspect) is A LOT. A LOT of rejection, A LOT of anxiety, A LOT of fear, A LOT of frustration & the list goes on and on.  All of a sudden EVERYTHING changes. 

As most of you know, Bryan started his college career this past September, while he was there he proved Bloomsburg's reputation of being a party school to be completely accurate and during his stay had a couple of bumps with the law; because of this, he lost financial aid for the following semester and he had to make the decision to withdraw and end his time at Bloomsburg University. 

I was besides myself. I now loved my privacy, enjoyed my freedom and here comes my only son, my pride & joy, putting an end to everything that I had learned to relish.  However, this was not my only concern. I wasn't receiving child support anymore, Bryan had turned 18 and payments ended a month before his birthday in September. I couldn't afford for Bryan to live with me without a job and a way to contribute.

I had made a list of rules that Bryan would have to abide by if he was going to live with me. I would have loved if he would've gone to community college, but he decided to put college on pause. I was heart-broken. I also required Bryan to get a job, not a surprise, obviously he wasn't a student, this had to be a no-brainer.  I gave him a month to find a job or he'd have to move out.

The  hardest thing I had to do was ask him to leave. He had gotten in more trouble and as much as I love him, I couldn't support this or the way he was choosing to live. I miss him, its been 2 months, but I tell him all time that I love him. When he drops by to visit it lifts my heart to levels I didn't know existed because he is visiting by choice, not because he lives here.

That was a rocky start to 2013...but everything was out of my control, so I "gave it to God" and I refused to let what was going on with my son get me down. I still believe 2013 is new, with lots of fun, blessed & probably more trying times ahead. (but we'll give them to God too.)

I have started planning The Miles for Myeloma 5k walk/run , you remember my team, The Bee's Knees?  It's that time of year again and fundraising is my middle name.  My goal of $4000 is staying the same even though I don't have Bryan's funding raising graduation project to bring in the big bucks, so I applied for a grant through my 2nd job and found out last week that we, The Bee's Knees have been awarded $2500.  I feel continuously blessed working with the Philadelphia Multiple Myeloma Networking Group and The Miles for Myeloma 5k.  We are helping so many patients and families find hope.

In my very last post of 2012, I wrote about my unwanted guest, the mouse in my house. This past weekend, I finally was able to say good riddance to him. Here's hoping his friends & family are sealed off and their long stay is over. 

So, as you can see, things are already starting to look up and become brighter. 

There but for the grace of God, I go.

He hasn't forgotten about me.

When my son left for college in August I honestly didn't know how I would be able to live without seeing my only child, the love of my life, everyday.  It was one of the hardest days of my life dropping him off at Bloomsburg University.  I got through it, not without a bunch of tears, but I was able to get through it.

The tears?  I guess most mother's cry when their kids leave home for the first time.  I am not generally a crier, but it felt like someone ripped my heart out that day.  Not only because I knew I'd miss him, but because I felt like he would forget me.  Sounds crazy, I know. Sounds irrational, I get it; but I also know my son.  Has my prediction come true?  I have spoken to Bryan on the phone I think three times total since he has left, he texts me when he needs something, mostly funds or to tell me that he is coming home for the weekend.  The first weekend he came home I saw him for 20 minutes total, his bed wasn't even slept in. (Boy, did I voice my opinion about that!!)  The next & only other time that he came home I actually had a meal with him.  Progress! 

He hasn't forgotten about me.  I have come to realize this.  What HAS happened is that I have raised an independent young man; from the time he was 2 weeks old I have had to leave him to go to work or class.  He has learned from a very young age that I would always come for him & that he was never abandoned.  The first day of kindergarten he barely waved good-bye when he was getting on the bus.  He'd spend weekends with his father and I knew he was safe; now, I can only pray that the values, the ground work that I laid was enough.

Why would I think college would be any different? This time he was leaving me. 

How have I fared?  Actually, I am doing really well.  Working two jobs and going to the gym whenever I can certainly has helped to keep me busy. 

My house is clean.  Bryan comes as a package deal.  His friends are always with him, bare minimum 5 guys on a quiet night.  Now, as one knows young men are freaking gross (no offense guys)!!  My toilet paper cost alone has been cut in half.  My shower head is always adjusted to the right setting and I know when we run out of something because I was the last one to use it. 

I miss my baby boy more than anyone can imagine.  I am glad he will be coming home in just a couple of days for Thanksgiving break, but now I know that when he goes back I will be just fine,
he will be just fine and we will be together again at Christmas break.

Ready or Not. Transitions.

It sometimes seems like I have all the words and then lately it seems like I don't have any...or maybe just not the right ones.

Everything is moving so quickly. 

It's like you threw your cap up on graduation day and are now trying frantically to find it.  Misplaced, but rummaging through the same things.  You could pick up any old cap and call it your own, but you're determined to find YOURS.  The PANIC.  The CHAOS.  Was is worth it?

Your answer:  ABSOLUTELY!  You can't imagine it any other way.

I believe it was worth every second.  It's been 18 years since I found out my life was going to change, everyday I was misplaced, trying to find my way, rummaging to find the answers.  STILL rummaging to find the answers.  Every age comes with a different challenge, the older they become the more intense the conflicts, the harder it is.  IT IS AGONIZING. 

It is lately that I am dealing with this acutely opinionated young man, accelerating towards adulthood.  EXHAUSTING.

Next week he will be graduating from high school; in a couple of months he will be starting his freshman year in college.  BITTERSWEET.  We clicked on the submit button to accept financial aid, then to accept loans and with each click the nausea kicks in.  My son is entering adulthood, BUT is not yet 18 years old.  SCARY.

What is even scarier is that I will have to learn how to live by myself.  In all of my adult life I have never lived by myself or for myself.  It is going to be a HUGE adaption; like learning to operate after losing a body part (I can only imagine).  I am hardly looking forward to this transition.  CONFUSION.

We, truth be told, have been fighting A LOT.  Do we need to live apart sooner then later?  YES, if only to save a life; his and/or mine.  BITTERSWEET.  After all, every breath that I have taken, every decision that  have made has been for the love of my only child.  HEART-BREAKING.

TRANSITIONS are a part of life, a GOOD PART of life.  THRIVING.

Blue Suede Shoes

This weekend at work was pretty busy, after all it is the last weekend to shop before Christmas (& Hanukkah - if you celebrate); however, there is one customer that I cannot get out of my mind.  I don't know his name, but he was tall and handsome.  He had beautiful, intelligent blue eyes; a real gentleman.  You could tell he was a ladies man.  He asked me for help finding blue suede shoes, (not an unusual request, I have been helping a surprising amount of men shop for their significant others in the last couple of weeks) I showed him a pair that were the perfect shade of blue, but they were platforms, but that just wouldn't due.  His wife couldn't wear heels that high anymore.  I asked if they had to be suede; he then explained, as his adult daughter approached, that on his first date with his wife he had ruined her blue suede heels. 

This grandfather stood before me explaining that their romance started with a pair of blue suede shoes and I couldn't help but think of my grandparents.  I miss them all so much, all of my grandparents have passed away, but this gentleman reminded me specifically of my Grandpa Delaney.  He passed away when I was only 13 years old, but what an impression this man made on everyone who crossed his path.  His face was the map of Ireland, his heart was tender and his temper was hot!  He used to take us to the mall and church and on walks at the Watchung Reservation & Briant Park, he even took us to the Summit swim club (he never learned how to swim, but knew that we were like fish).  He smoked a cigar and told us stories in-between bickering with my grand mom.  He loved us all so much.  God called him home at the same age my Pop is now (Wow, that just left a pit in my stomach). 

I wish Bryan could've experienced how I grew up and the great memories that grandparents could bring.  He never did & that makes me a little sad.  My parents are still living, but they are not the greatest at providing great memories, or even coming close to the memories that I had with my grandparents, but in my opinion no one could compare.

I found a beautiful, classy pair of blue suede pumps for this gentleman's bride.  He didn't even look at the price, he didn't care.  He said that they were perfect and asked if they came with a box of tissues.  I have been wondering about this couple and her reaction to her gift.  Little does this white haired gentleman know that it is he who gave me a gift as well; the gift of a warm heart and the realization that the ones that we love, but who have passed, are all around us and it is our jobs to keep their memories alive through stories and tradition.

Remembering...

September is the month to celebrate.  It always has been since the very day that I was born, then at 19 years old I had more reason to celebrate because I had been blessed with the reason that I wake up everyday, my son Bryan.  He was born just 6 days after my birthday making him the best birthday present ever.
Those 6 days that fall in between our birthdays used to be filled with anticipation for Bryan when he was younger, because he knew that his was so so close.  It was filled with anticipation for me because I love to give my favorite person presents and I never wanted to wait to see his precious little face light up when he finally opens them.

Now, those days that fill the time between our birthdays are filled with thoughts of one day in September, 2001.  In fact, as it nears September, I being to feel my heart get a little bit heavier.  This year marks the 10th anniversary of that horrific event, just 90 miles up the street.  On September 11, 2001, the United States of America was attacked by terrorists in New York City, Pennsylvania and Washington DC.  On that day lives were changed forever.

On September 11, 2001, I was a young mom, in my mid-twenties, divorced a couple of years, working in retail as a department manager.  Most of my friends still had not had an children, but everything that I did was for mine or with him in mind.  When a managers meeting was just getting ready to start and our Human Resources manager came running in to tell us that a plane hit the World Trade Center, I couldn't fully comprehend UNTIL we all went into the break room and watched on the TV what the news would end up repeating over-and-over and what every American will never be able to erase from their brains.  I remember my heart feeling like it was physically breaking, the heaviness in my chest (the same heaviness that I get every September now) was making me weak in the knees; the sadness was over-whelming, but I didn't cry.  I watched.  I watched and was scared, boy, was I scared.  Was I that naive that I thought that this would or could never happen to us?!?  I needed to find out how Bryan was; I called this school.  He was in second grade and was about to turn 7 that year.  The administration had told me that they announced what had happened, but wanted to keep things as normal as possible, but I was allowed to pick him up if I wanted to.  I opted not to, but I had to think about how I was going to handle this once I had picked him up from after-school care.  I was so young and didn't exactly have any answers myself.

I asked Bryan the other night, 'What do you remember about 9/11?'.  He went on to tell me exactly where he was sitting and what was being taught, but then he said, I remember not really caring when I heard.  A very honest answer and in reality, I am sure that he didn't, then he saw the TV footage and had a million questions just like the rest of us.
I am always very real with Bryan, so I didn't sugar coat.  I wasn't going to hide that there are bad people out there, I wasn't going to say that this wasn't going to happen again, but I was going to make sure that Bryan knew that you still had to treat people the way you would want to be treated.  Just because there are absolutely rotten people out there, let's not pretend that there aren't, we have to be bigger, more united and stronger then they are.  There are people who are always going to be jealous; jealous of what Americans have and represent, but if we stand together then we will over-come.
September 12, 2001 there was a thunder & lightning storm.  Bryan woke up screaming.  He thought we were being bombed.  It broke my heart.  The sleeplessness didn't last long, but I'll never forget.

Since then, New York has become one of my favorite places to visit.  It really reminds a person how very small one is in the big scheme of things; something I think everyone need to be reminded once-and-a-while. 
We have gone to Ground Zero, the name that has been given to the site where The Twin Towers once stood.  We have paid our condolences to those lives that were lost and changed forever.  We have mourned the American soldiers lost in battle defending us.  We prayed and still do for the soldiers to come home safely to their families. 

I hope that the family and friends of victims and all those who had to endure the pain of September 11, 2001 have grown from this tragedy and become stronger people.  This year is only the 10th anniversary, you will never be forgotten and are all considered heroes in my eyes.

April Showers...May Flowers.

“April showers bring May flowers” is a saying that dates back to the 1500s.  This saying, credited to Thomas Tusser, is a reminder that even the most unpleasant of events bring forth enjoyable things; perhaps a lesson in patience.

Many of life’s pleasure come to those who wait; patiently waiting and enduring the clouds and dampness of an April day, you will find it easier to take in the smells, colors, and simply the beauty of May.

The rain creates a moisture rich soil helping plants to grow faster & stronger, creating a positive stimulus helping nutrients reach the roots faster.  The temperatures are slowly escalating; as the temperatures rise plants find it easier to grow.  They start to thrive when the ground starts to thaw, the combination of this and rainfall brings life to seeds.  The return of insects plays a vital part bringing forth the beauties of springtime.  They pollinate and fertilize which is so important to the reproduction of these beautiful products of spring. 

This often happens in life; when it seems as if life has a stretch of bleak days & unhappiness seem to be filling our hearts, it is important to remember that these are the days where life is preparing us for “flowers”.  Life is helping us to grow, become stronger and to thrive. 

When people are having a hard time waiting for those glorious May days, they may decide to bring spring flowers into the home, doing what is necessary to create the sense of warmth that we are bound for with the change of the season.  We must also do this by surrounding ourselves with positivity and beauty; those beautiful days will come and when they do we will be thankful that we had the proper cultivating that we needed to embrace the blessings in our lives.