Twenty Years.

Confession:  I originally wrote this 2 weeks ago, I haven't pressed publish until today because I was scared.  I was scared that it was too personal, what would people think?  Then I was reminded today, at my part-time job, of today's date, February 8th.  It's a day that I will never ever forget.  It's a day that changed my life forever and since when do I give an eff what people think?

As I was sitting in the waiting room of my gynecologist's office this morning I realized that it has been 20 years that I have been going there.  This February will be 20 years since I found out that I was pregnant; 20 years, but I remember just like it was yesterday.

The winter of 1993-1994 was endless.  I was working at Little Caesar's Pizza inside of the Warminster K-mart, I rang the new year in with my new-ish boyfriend, Dan, at a New Years party (Dan wasn't much of a partier at the time.  Me?  I was always a partier), it was going to be a fantastic new year, I had just started a new semester at Bucks County Community College; everything was perfect and normal for this 18 year old.

It was so cold, ice storms, snow storms and blizzards made the weather just miserable .  I remember being able to go sledding down the William Tennet High School's hill what seemed like every other day.  I was still a kid, doing kid things and loving every minute of it.

[This is where it gets personal...continue on, but don't say that you weren't warned!]

Then, I had mentioned to Dan that I hadn't gotten my period in a while, but I wasn't "regular" so I had not been freaking out.  (COMPLETE DENIAL.)  He was freaking out though!  We went to a random pharmacy in the area that week and picked up a test.  It wasn't long before we found out the results.  I was sobbing, and unfortunately they weren't the "happy tears" many of my friends experience today; so many thoughts were going through my head, but I was grasping at straws and still not convinced.  Maybe the UTI that I had had faltered the test, (COMPLETE DENIAL.) so I made an appointment with my primary physician where they took blood work.

I received a phone call from the doctor within the next couple of days, which I was lucky to intercept.  Keep in mind that I lived with my parents and siblings, there weren't cell phones, so it was imperative that I be the one to answer this call.  The nurse simply stated that the pregnancy test came back positive and that I should make an appointment with an obstetrician, then she said something about my "bun in the oven" and I didn't hear a word after that.  F&@K!!  All of a sudden I was a adult, making adult decisions.

I had to figure out how to tell everyone and by "everyone", I mean my parents.  I am still here to talk about it, so obviously I survived, but it was THE MOST TERRIFYING experience of my life.  They wanted answers that I couldn't provide.  How are you going to do this?  How is/that going to happen?  Is he going to stay with you?  Screaming ensued.  I was a scared little girl, who was already 8 weeks pregnant with her new-ish boyfriend's child.  I was 18 years old and Dan was 17 years old.  It was the rest of our lives we were planning, there were way more questions then answers and I barely had any answers.

My parents calmed down and when Bryan was born they loved him more than words could express.  It turns out that my new-ish boyfriend stuck around and became a great father; as a teenage mom I had no idea what I was doing, I felt like "mom's" should know more than I did and thought how was I going to teach a kid when I was still learning?

I found out that if you ask for help people will help you.  God has placed some very significant people in my life and on my path.  I am so grateful for EVERYTHING, no matter how great or small.  Everything matters when you're in need.  God saw that I needed great friends and delivered.  It really does take a village.

This September Bryan will be 20 years old and I have been blessed enough to raise this outspoken, opinionated, honest, and one of the most loyal guys that I have ever met.  He is ridiculously confident and funny, and he's easy to talk to.  He's had his share of shenanigans, but he wouldn't be our child if he didn't.

20 years ago, I had a decision to make, I thank God everyday that I made the right one.

So what? I'm crazy.

Yeah, I am crazy for posting less-then-positive things in my blog, so what?!?  Not today...

As I scroll through today's Facebook posts I am reminded how truly blessed I am to have very happy friend. I agree, most people only post happy things on social media. Today, I am thankful that I have so many people who know that they are blessed and share that with the world.

My son is grown, so I very much miss the Easter egg dying and family traditions that hold true when children fill a household.  I, on the other-hand, and completely reveling in my friends happiness.
Of course, they all go through their struggles. Some huge, some small, all making them stronger people as they handle each individual struggle with grace and their heads held high and still basking in the happiness that is their family and friends.

I swear my friends have the most precious kids with the most angelic faces.  They publicly cherish EVERY moment spent with them by posting pictures and stories. How could anyone reading and browsing not appreciate the love that they are displaying?

Please heed my advise; soak in EVERY second.  Keep posting and enjoying the good and bad. The ups and downs. They are lessons being learned by you & your children alike.

My loved ones are happy and even I am truly blessed to be surrounded by the contagious happiness that they are exuding.  Some of my closest friends are dating the loves of their lives, some buying new cars, others are being blessed with new babies or engagements, other are showering in the contentment that they already share with their families...either way, like I said I believe 2013 is going to be glorious year. I can see this through them, my friends and family who mean so very much to me.  Keep proving me right, I love every second of this!

COLLEGE BOUND!

Today was rough day.  Work was a typical crazy Monday, but what made it even harder was that I barely slept at all last night.  Sleeping is still a rarity these days, but I am still trying to plow through.  My support system is stronger than ever, and everyday I am feeling more like myself.

After this seemingly endless day, I came home and brought the mail up to "The Attic" (that's what I call my itty bitty living space).  Bryan had two pieces today; they were from two of the Universities that he had applied to.  He open the first one with the reaction "Oh sh!t!  I got into Bloomsburg."  We both had thought that the letter was a parking pass for our upcoming visit.  The second was his acceptance letter to Kutztown University.  How exciting!!!  He still has a school to hear from and he has until the end of April to make his decision, but it is exciting none-the-less!!

At that very moment I felt like I had fulfilled this huge accomplishment.  One of my main goals of this whole motherhood gig was to get Bryan into college.  Bryan knew exactly what I was thinking too.  He said, "Are you glad to know that I am definitely going to college?"  Am I glad?  I am elated!  My child, the one that I have raised...the one that we have collectively raised is college-bound.  COLLEGE BOUND!!! 

Another goal of mine was that I raised a child who wasn't completely effed up.  Now, that is still to be determined, but as far as I can tell the job that I have done isn't too shabby.  He is a typical teenager who gets in trouble because he doesn't use his head.  He knows it ALL.  His mouth is fresh & he is sarcastic, but weren't we all?  He also respects adults, is LOYAL to his friends and although he doesn't cuddle with me on the couch, like so many of my friend's little ones, he doesn't hesitate to tell me he loves me in front of everyone and anyone.

Today reminded me of how wonderful life is; the up and downs, sometimes all in one day.  The exhilarating roller coaster ride that someday we don't want to end and other days we are so ready to get off. 
Today was filled with wonderful news, a perfect Valentine's gift to receive from the one who is my "heart".  My love, my son.

It's the Holday Season, with the Whoop-de-do...

Today I was in a bit of a nasty mood & needed to snap out of it.  Christmas is right around the corner and my spirits need to be lifted.  I refuse to be a cranky pants during what I consider the best holiday of the year!

This evening I had off from my 2nd job, so I took advantage of my time off, not by running (which is what I intended on doing - it was 68 degrees today!!), but by decorating for Christmas.  My apartment is small, but my tree is pretty ornate; I have been described as having "tree savvy".  I, for one, do not take that description lightly and must live up to it every year!  I have photographed my tree a million times but it never looks as fabulous as it does in person.  My tree is on a rotating tree stand for Pete's sake and that is only the beginning.

While I started my tree decorating, (it cannot be completed in just one day) I listened to classic Christmas tunes and sang my heart out.  I needed this dose of holiday spirit, boy, did I need it!!  'The Attic' (my apartment) is starting to look pretty festive and I am well on my way to wrapping my arms around this season and giving it a great big welcome back hug.

I have so many warm memories of this time of year; my Pop building the perfect fire in the fireplace,  "Sarah, come in here and look at this fire.", I can almost hear the wood crackling.  My great Aunt Mae would spend a week with us every year, she only lived in Northern New Jersey, so we saw her often, that didn't matter, my sister and I would count the days until she arrived.  She was a 4'10" Irish fire-ball, party-girl, Manhattan-drinking storyteller; she was Christmas! 

Let's not forget the 8mm camera with the bright, blinding light that Pop used to video tape us with.  The torture we felt as we woke up the house and hearing "Just five more minutes!!" from my mom & dad.  How could they do that to us?!?  Not realizing then that they had probably just gone to bed.

As crazy as the holidays get, as cranky as I am with my plate over-flowing per usual (spreading myself too thin is a big problem for me these days), I need to remind myself of the good days and that they are happening right now.  We are creating memories everyday for everyone in our lives.

I tend to kill myself making people happy; I have to remember that happiness starts within and is contagious, from hear on in I will be singing Christmas carols and being merry!!

Oh Andy Williams, how I love you this time of year!