Missing my mom & LOVING my son!

I never thought about what Mother's Day would be like with my mom not around, I mean who does?  I never really thought of any day without my mom around.

Earlier this week I would've ordered my mom's flowers to have them delivered by Sunday.  I reached for the phone a few times, only to stop myself mid-dial.

In the last few years Bryan and I have done our own thing on Mother's Day (Since he's been a teenager, it's the one day that I can really pin him down and spend some quality time).  If I had known it was going to the last Mother's Day that I would spend with her,  I still would choose to spend it with Bryan and she would totally understand. She knew that I needed that time with him, that as a working mom, I never got to spend the time that I wanted with him. 

I love my mom she was the mom EVERYONE loved & knew.

As Bryan got older I knew she often didn't agree on the way that I was raising him.  She would bite her tongue, but I could read her like a book.  I have a close relationship with Bryan, I keep (or try to) an open mind and struggle not to judge (it's not the Christian thing to do after-all) him or his friends.  I let him make mistakes (to an extent, when he messed  up badly, it is not pretty, my consequences tend to be extreme, but I don't have to do it too often) and when he FINALLY does decide he wants to open up, I am there, listening /giving my honest opinion.

I learned a lot from my mom.  I learned patience, she loved my dad so much, I knew she had a lot of it.  She always was SO extremely nice that she was often treated as a door mat.  I vowed NEVER to be treated that way and often stressed to her that people treat you the way you wanted to be treated (part of the reason, my Pop & I get along so very well, he knows that I won't take his shenanigans).  I miss this woman, my mom and her kind heart, each & everyday.  I feel guilty for not letting her know what an influence she was on me.

ANYWHO...

This year I am pretty proud of myself.  I have raised a son that I haven't screwed up too badly!!  The major damage is that he has this ENORMOUS ego.  (I'm am a believer in positive reinforcement).  I ask for forgiveness for this monster that I have created.  The first thing that I said to him is "he's gorgeous!!" (the whole time that I was pregnant, I was praying for a healthy, CUTE baby - keep in mind I was teenager & these are the things the were important)  Bryan is the perfect mix of cocky and sweet, which is lethal in the female department.  Adults think he is funny because he is smart and witty; but since I am his mom & I have a blatant abhorrence for his 'tone'; so yes, he is a normal teenager.

Bryan has also FINALLY decided on where he is going to spend the next four years.  He will be attending Bloomsburg University of Pennsylvania in the Northeast region of PA a/k/a "coal country" in August.  He was accepted into the business school, so God-willing he will have a successful college career.  I am finding this next chapter to be quite bitter-sweet; while I love my son with my whole heart and soul and have lived my life for his every breath, it is time for us to live separately.  We have been butting heads & fighting more and more as of late and it makes me sad. 

It is going to be a HUGE adjustment, I am just hoping that Bryan is not to cool to Skype with me once a week. I already can't wait until he comes home to visit! 

Rosemary & The Bee

My second tattoo!!!  I am so thrilled with it. 

A little over a month ago I wrote about just getting my first tattoo, The Claddagh.  I wrote how I had waited for years while that image sat in my head.  It turned out beautifully.  Karly, from The Inkwell in Southampton, PA, was able to take what was in my brain and work her magic.  The day I was tattooed with the claddagh I had told Karly about the second tattoo that I wanted and the meaning behind it.  Is it at all possible that this one be as beautiful as my first?

Yes, it is possible!!  While the the most recent one hurt like hell, it was well worth the pain.  The flower in the picture is a sprig of the herb rosemary; most people aren't aware that when rosemary blooms it is has beautiful purple flower.  Rosemary was my mother name, she passed away suddenly just five days before Christmas.  The bee is representing my father, the term "the bee's knees" was a favorite phrase of his while we were growing and is now the symbol I use in the team that I lead in The Miles for Myeloma 5k held right here in Philadelphia.  The 5k benefits the ongoing research for The Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation.  The team I lead is in honor of my father who has been suffering from this type of cancer for 3+ years.

This tattoo quickly became something that I wanted immensely.  I took Karly's first available appointment, and let her take what was in my head once again, this very special tribute to my parents, that she put on paper then on my skin where it will remain forever.

My mom is probably shaking her head at me for what she would consider 'ruining my body', especially with a tribute to her.  Pop will say it's beautiful...secretly thinking that I could get it removed someday.