Anxiety

I am still struggling through a weird year.  I know that it could be so much worse, but what I am feeling is real and I am going to share it with you: 

I have been off the radar for a bit recently, especially on places that I usually will "status update" like it is second nature, but a few months ago I had a paralyzing feeling, not physically paralyzing, but mentally and psychologically paralyzing.  I have been dealing with ANXIETY.

Sounds simple, right?  I know that many of you can relate and I am not the only one walking around with this psychological burden.  At times I have felt crazy and unsettled.  I have been forgetting things, normal things like working the ice machine when getting fountain soda at a restaurant or not knowing where I am on my way home from the gym that I go to at least once a week.  Some of these instances have been super scary and overwhelming, but mostly I wake up anxious and go all day feeling like I am having a never ending panic attack, which in itself is exhausting.  If I am having a stressful day (cause we all have stressful days) to a normal person, I am feeling like I am going crazy.  I often think that someone is going to see right through me trying to be "normal" and commit me to the looney bin immediately. 

I am having a hard time liking the person I am lately because this anxiety has given me a short fuse;   making even the littlest things that people do annoying.  Sounds weird, but I don't like being around people.  Yes, ME!  On a good day I love people, I love being in the midst of everything and everybody.  I love making people laugh and hanging out.  Not lately.  I make excuses not to; I have turned in a shitty friend.

In the beginning of the summer I went to my primary care physician, I didn't want to increase the medication that I am already on (come one, most of you are too), because I've done that before and I can't walk around in a fog, that is only masking things and I need to be myself, so when the doctor admitted that there wasn't anything more that he could do for me he suggested that I make an appointment for a psychiatrist.  I had a lot of research to do, reviews to read and questions to ask.  When I called my top picks a make an appointment they said that they weren't taking new patients.  THAT WASN'T MAKING ME ANXIOUS AT ALL.  Finally, I found someone who would see me, but I had to see a therapist first to be evaluated before I could make an appointment for a psychiatrist; this was turning into a  project, imagine if I had a mental issue on a grander scale, this system was seemingly f*cked-uped, but I made the appointment.  The therapist was Ken, he was nice at first, but ended up being a dick.  It turns out that Ken was very presumptuous and condescending (but that's a whole other blog).

My appointment for my psychiatrist is this week and I feel like a kid waiting for Santa.  I have been waiting almost 3 months to "get fixed", to start to feel like myself, impromptu singing in my office and having 30 second dance parties at random. Do I know where this stemmed from or what caused it?  Not really, not yet.  My serotonin levels are off and it may just be a matter of my meds being changed up, but only time will tell that.

I already have another appointment with a therapist, don't worry, it's not Ken.  I feel like this whole summer has pasted by and I have been an anxious mess, but I am determined to use this as a learning experience and hopefully whoever reads this will understand why I have been M.I.A. 

I hope that others who are experiencing the same thing won't feel alone.  Everyone needs help, no one can live this life alone.  Just ask for it.