Just the Beginning. Milestone #1, check.

Tomorrow my son graduates from high-school; this is a HUGE milestone for him.  I am excited, he has had a pretty good school experience; learning comes easy to Bryan, so he never really struggled (unless homework or writing were involved, then there were issues.  He's in for a rude awaking in college!!), but usually keep pretty good grades.  He used to play soccer when he was in elementary school although he gave that up in high-school.  He wasn't a joiner through his stint in high-school, but he has tons of friends.  EVERYONE knows Bryan  This may be because he grew up in one school district and switched right before school started in September, 2008 to another, right when high-school was about to begin.

We had the opportunity to make a move into a duplex instead of the complex we had called home for 8 years.  This would save us hundreds of dollars a month and after discussing the move with his father (I always included Dan in anything that involved Bryan's well-being) and he was not only OK with the idea, he encouraged the decision, knowing that it would be a great move for us.  Bryan hated me for it.  I didn't blame him.  I hated me.  I wanted him to have the a place he was able to remember growing up in, a place he could call his "hometown"; I felt like I was taking that away from him.

As it turns out that, the big move 4 miles down the road wasn't SO horrible.  His friends from "the old neighborhood" graduated on Friday.  I still love all of them & am so proud to have had them in my son's life.  The kids that he calls friends from the school he is currently at are also family.  UNCONDITIONAL LOVE is what Bryan has for these people.  You can feel it when you're around them.  It is exuding from their pores.  If I have done nothing else, I have raised a son who is LOYAL.

Tomorrow, while Bryan is reveling in being a high-school graduate, I am feeling a tad bit empty.  My mother would have loved to have been at and see her only grandson graduating.  You couldn't mention Bryan's name without my mom's face beaming.  She was the MOST PROUD of him; needless to say I am missing her beyond belief this week.  I was hoping my dad was going to be able to come out to see him receive his diploma, it would have been my Mom & Dad's 46th anniversary, so I wanted him to be around family and what better way?!?  Pop will be at the hospital receiving his treatment by himself while we are at graduation.  Shitty, really shitty.  I know there is a reason why he was meant to be in the hospital, but it doesn't make me feel any less lonely.  I am, however banking on mom STILL being there, she wouldn't miss it.  She won't have to bitch about how hot it is while fanning herself with the program, but I'll be thinking of her while I am.

Good Luck to my son and ALL this friends.  This is the just the beginning for you, the first of MANY MILESTONES.

Ready or Not. Transitions.

It sometimes seems like I have all the words and then lately it seems like I don't have any...or maybe just not the right ones.

Everything is moving so quickly. 

It's like you threw your cap up on graduation day and are now trying frantically to find it.  Misplaced, but rummaging through the same things.  You could pick up any old cap and call it your own, but you're determined to find YOURS.  The PANIC.  The CHAOS.  Was is worth it?

Your answer:  ABSOLUTELY!  You can't imagine it any other way.

I believe it was worth every second.  It's been 18 years since I found out my life was going to change, everyday I was misplaced, trying to find my way, rummaging to find the answers.  STILL rummaging to find the answers.  Every age comes with a different challenge, the older they become the more intense the conflicts, the harder it is.  IT IS AGONIZING. 

It is lately that I am dealing with this acutely opinionated young man, accelerating towards adulthood.  EXHAUSTING.

Next week he will be graduating from high school; in a couple of months he will be starting his freshman year in college.  BITTERSWEET.  We clicked on the submit button to accept financial aid, then to accept loans and with each click the nausea kicks in.  My son is entering adulthood, BUT is not yet 18 years old.  SCARY.

What is even scarier is that I will have to learn how to live by myself.  In all of my adult life I have never lived by myself or for myself.  It is going to be a HUGE adaption; like learning to operate after losing a body part (I can only imagine).  I am hardly looking forward to this transition.  CONFUSION.

We, truth be told, have been fighting A LOT.  Do we need to live apart sooner then later?  YES, if only to save a life; his and/or mine.  BITTERSWEET.  After all, every breath that I have taken, every decision that  have made has been for the love of my only child.  HEART-BREAKING.

TRANSITIONS are a part of life, a GOOD PART of life.  THRIVING.