Twenty Years.

Confession:  I originally wrote this 2 weeks ago, I haven't pressed publish until today because I was scared.  I was scared that it was too personal, what would people think?  Then I was reminded today, at my part-time job, of today's date, February 8th.  It's a day that I will never ever forget.  It's a day that changed my life forever and since when do I give an eff what people think?

As I was sitting in the waiting room of my gynecologist's office this morning I realized that it has been 20 years that I have been going there.  This February will be 20 years since I found out that I was pregnant; 20 years, but I remember just like it was yesterday.

The winter of 1993-1994 was endless.  I was working at Little Caesar's Pizza inside of the Warminster K-mart, I rang the new year in with my new-ish boyfriend, Dan, at a New Years party (Dan wasn't much of a partier at the time.  Me?  I was always a partier), it was going to be a fantastic new year, I had just started a new semester at Bucks County Community College; everything was perfect and normal for this 18 year old.

It was so cold, ice storms, snow storms and blizzards made the weather just miserable .  I remember being able to go sledding down the William Tennet High School's hill what seemed like every other day.  I was still a kid, doing kid things and loving every minute of it.

[This is where it gets personal...continue on, but don't say that you weren't warned!]

Then, I had mentioned to Dan that I hadn't gotten my period in a while, but I wasn't "regular" so I had not been freaking out.  (COMPLETE DENIAL.)  He was freaking out though!  We went to a random pharmacy in the area that week and picked up a test.  It wasn't long before we found out the results.  I was sobbing, and unfortunately they weren't the "happy tears" many of my friends experience today; so many thoughts were going through my head, but I was grasping at straws and still not convinced.  Maybe the UTI that I had had faltered the test, (COMPLETE DENIAL.) so I made an appointment with my primary physician where they took blood work.

I received a phone call from the doctor within the next couple of days, which I was lucky to intercept.  Keep in mind that I lived with my parents and siblings, there weren't cell phones, so it was imperative that I be the one to answer this call.  The nurse simply stated that the pregnancy test came back positive and that I should make an appointment with an obstetrician, then she said something about my "bun in the oven" and I didn't hear a word after that.  F&@K!!  All of a sudden I was a adult, making adult decisions.

I had to figure out how to tell everyone and by "everyone", I mean my parents.  I am still here to talk about it, so obviously I survived, but it was THE MOST TERRIFYING experience of my life.  They wanted answers that I couldn't provide.  How are you going to do this?  How is/that going to happen?  Is he going to stay with you?  Screaming ensued.  I was a scared little girl, who was already 8 weeks pregnant with her new-ish boyfriend's child.  I was 18 years old and Dan was 17 years old.  It was the rest of our lives we were planning, there were way more questions then answers and I barely had any answers.

My parents calmed down and when Bryan was born they loved him more than words could express.  It turns out that my new-ish boyfriend stuck around and became a great father; as a teenage mom I had no idea what I was doing, I felt like "mom's" should know more than I did and thought how was I going to teach a kid when I was still learning?

I found out that if you ask for help people will help you.  God has placed some very significant people in my life and on my path.  I am so grateful for EVERYTHING, no matter how great or small.  Everything matters when you're in need.  God saw that I needed great friends and delivered.  It really does take a village.

This September Bryan will be 20 years old and I have been blessed enough to raise this outspoken, opinionated, honest, and one of the most loyal guys that I have ever met.  He is ridiculously confident and funny, and he's easy to talk to.  He's had his share of shenanigans, but he wouldn't be our child if he didn't.

20 years ago, I had a decision to make, I thank God everyday that I made the right one.

2013, SEE YA!!

2013 WAS A RUTHLESS BITCH; from the beginning to the end.  Some years are like that, life lessons, growing stronger...yes, I get it.  Well, I am over it!  Turning lemons in to lemonade, I know every positive thought there is, trust me.

Maybe it is odd numbered years that I struggle with?  I am a bit OCD.

I am looking forward to 2014.  Realistically, I know just because you hang up a brand new calendar it doesn't necessarily mean things will change.  I will make them change.  I will take the shit that was handed to me in 2013 and turn it into sugar.  I have a faithful God who is looking over me and is giving me opportunities.  He has blessed me so much thus far, I can hardly lose faith now, not when I need it the most.

I have enjoyed some of it, I won't lie.  It started off a bit rocky for Bryan and I, if you recall.  I love this person more than I could ever imagine, unconditionally; this year taught me that.  I don't know if people actually realize this until something threatens their relationship with their child; illness, circumstance, what-have-you.  Of course, I have always loved Bryan unconditionally even before he was born, but when there is a real chance that you may lose that relationship "that love" changes into some unexplainable love.  It was such a struggle for me to let him grow; it sounds so natural, him leaving home and becoming more independent; it's not.  At least not for this Momma Bear.  It was losing control, worry and anxiety.  Letting him go was the hardest thing that EVER had to do in my life. (I surrendered to therapy and started feeling much better, by the way.) He doesn't agree, but I think he has grown as person.  I hope 2014 brings him wisdom and he sees the opportunities life hands him and takes advantage of them.

Also, I have seen so many people that I love having an amazing 2013 and as I said before, seeing my friends and their families flourish makes me happy; their gorgeous children, other halves and friends having geniune fabulous times.  I appreciate their happiness, it has become a realization that life is too short to not appreciate the little things.  Cherish every detail, every memory and keep posting because I know that my happiness is right around the corner and in-the-mean-time, I'll cherish yours.

So, see ya 2013...Here's to a FABULOUS 2014!  Making memories, living life, laughing, loving & cherishing EVERY SINGLE MOMENT.

Surviving motherhood (so far!!)

Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed.  ~Linda Wooten

I know that this is weird to say, but this year is the first year that I have finally felt like a mom.  Weird, yes I realize, considering I've been called that name for years now.

I have always been very close with my son; having him at such a young age, you can't expect otherwise.  When Bryan was young I was the only one of my friends with a child. I had no clue what mothering was supposed to feel like, I didn't discuss feeling or emotion of motherhood on social networks (they hadn't been created yet), I knew I had to do the best for him by using common sense; putting him first and keep him alive seemed logical.

I looked at it as survival I suppose. I worked A LOT and went to college (although it was briefly, I still went). I came home and spent time with Bryan & did it all again the next day. As he got older, I ran around to different events he was involved with, after school activities, etc.; quick dinners and short showers are how we existed. 

When Mother's Day rolled around, I never thought that the holiday was about me, after all, like I said, I never thought of what I was doing as mothering, but surviving, adapting to the ever changing, and often fatiguing days. If I got through another day of fighting to do homework or sitting at the table until his plate was clean it was a win.  EVERYDAY that we got through without killing each other WAS A WIN.  Sounds familiar, huh?!?

It wasn't until this year,  his 18th year that I felt like, HOLY SH*T, THIS MOM STUFF IS FOR THE BIRDS. Yes! I said it.  Some days this how we (moms) feel.  Shitty of me to write it for the world to read, oh well. If you haven't felt that way you're a better person than I.

This year I lived it.  He was causing sleepless nights, not like when he was little, these sleepless nights were not due to feeding schedules, bad dreams or cleaning up vomit (one might call that mothering), but my sleepless nights were now spent thinking: is he going to get in to school?  If he does, where is the money going to come from?  Then it flipped to...he has to find a job?  When the HELL is he going to find a job?  Get off your ass and find a job, please, for the love of God?!?  OK...if I ask him to move out, where would he go?  Is he going to hate me?  Will it sever out relationship?

All those sleepless nights made for VERY TERRIBLE days.  My whole demeanor had changed.  I needed to be a MOTHER and this is the hardest mothering months I had to face in 18 years.  Mainly because most of these things that kept me up at night were out of my hands.  I could only do so much and leave the rest to God.  

I sleep now.  I see my son on a pretty regular basis, my heart is not heavy and my thoughts are more clear, more positive.  This person whom the sun rises and sets on for me; this kid who I love to the moon and back is now surviving by himself (for the most part).

Could motherhood be seeing your better self making decisions, good or bad, surviving in today's world?  I guess we should add that to the VERY LONG definition of the word treasured by so many.

A Good Day!

“You're thought about more often than you probably can guess, and thoughts of you just naturally bring smiles of happiness.” - Anonymous

Today is a good day, the best day of the year in my estimation; today is the day that my son was born.  Today he turns 17 years old.  Now, this is huge because truthfully I cannot keep a plant alive no matter how hard I try, but I somehow managed to to raise a pretty fantastic young man; to say that I have been truly blessed is an understatement.
Today is equally important to his father, I am sure.  Now, I cannot speak for him, but I am pretty sure he is counting the days until is 18th birthday and his years of child support are history.  Lately, Dan has been much more generous and supportive then any amount of money could buy and I am so appreciative.

Seventeen was one of my favorite years and it is blowing my mind that Bryan is there right now.  Remember back to 17?  No bills, every extra minute spent with friends, nothing to worry about but homework and where the next party was or where everyone was hanging out & only a part-time job was necessary to pay mom & dad for car insurance.  Bryan is living that right now.  I hope he appreciates every second of being 17 years old.  I also hope & pray that he makes good smart decisions and thinks about the consequences before doing anything stupid.

This year is Bryan's Senior year of high school, and there is no doubt that it will be a busy, stressful year.  Here's to getting through it so he lives to see his 18th. 

Own your Motherhood.

Motherhood is a roller coaster ride.

As I have mentioned before I have a teenager, a 16 year old to be exact.  I had him while I was a teenager (not something I recommend, by the way).  I'll be honest, I was not a fan of kids when I was younger.  I never had a baby-sitting job and the thought of sticky fingers made me ill, but there I was faced to face with motherhood.  When I found out that I was pregnant I cried and cried; knowing that termination was never something I would consider, I was faced with the decision of raising this child or adoption.  What a decision for a teenager to make;  the same teen who could barely decide what to wear to school that day.  I remember the discussion with his dad.  He swore that he would take care of us and not walk away.  How could I be so trusting?  How could this be happening to me?  But I was "in love", so I trusted.

When Bryan was born I still lived with my parents and his dad lived with his mom.  A couple of years later his father and I married, eventually bought a house.  Dan was telling the truth, he really was taking care of us.  We eventually divorced, but Bryan's dad was always a good dad.  Soccer coach, always at back to school nights, and I religiously forward him Bryan's school progress reports.

Even though I have been doing this motherhood thing for 16+ years, I still don't feel like I own it.  Motherhood.  My mom, now she owned motherhood.  She had three kids, two of us are 13 months apart.  As, she reminds me, she had 2 in diapers.  We had family dinners every night.  I mean real home cooked dinners.  She was a room mother, a lunch lady, a car pool driver; she was everything.  My friends loved her, after all she knew them all.  She also was blessed enough to be a stay-at-home mom. 

I am blessed.  Blessed because his dad made good on his promise.  Blessed because it turns out that I have a truly awesome kid.  Not a perfect kid, but he grew up with values and and morals.  I always let him form his own opinions and boy does he voice them.  He works, he gets good grades and has manners and respect.
I was always a working mother.  A mother with a full-time job.  A mother who couldn't always be in school at Christmas parties or go on class trips.  I don't always have dinner on the table at 6 p.m. & I only had to keep track of one child.  I feel like Mother's Day isn't a holiday for me, not because I lack mothering skills, but because everyone who has helped me along the way deserves recognition.  So many people who love us, who have been through every step with us, they deserve to be honored.  I am just a mom who has the best blessing ever; a beautiful baby boy who has grown into a handsome young man.

Happy Mother's Day to all Mom's!  You are blessed.