Love Thy Neighbor

"Treat Others the Way YOU Want to be Treated"

I was in high school when Nelson Mandela was released from prison.  Apartheid. Segregation; these are words from another era.  An era that we hear our grandparents and parents speak of.  It's not supposed to be something that I remember seeing on the news, but it is.  Mandela, being such a peaceful man, held no animosity for those who imprisoned him, only love.  

He is quoted as saying that “No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”  

People must learn to hate?  That is sickening, but as we all know there are still people who are teaching this by their actions.  I am so thankful that I didn't grow up with that hatred and I am proud to say that my son does not have that hatred.  In fact, I made sure that he grew up in a house where accepting people was the only option.  Everyone was welcome in my home, unless there was an extenuating circumstance (e.g. being a brat) proving otherwise.  Another public issue that Mandela wasn't afraid to address was AIDS, he was personally affected by the epidemic when his son passed away from the disease, this was a man who knew that he wasn't above the issues, but made sure that education and awareness were abundant to those willing to listen and learn.

I also just had a similar conversation with my brother after seeing Dallas Buyers Club over Thanksgiving weekend.  WOW, what a movie.  Outstanding performances!!  Everyone should go out and see this movie.  

After the movie my brother, who is 8 years older than I, were discussing AIDS in the 1980's.  He obviously remembers way more about the emerging of this disease into society then I do.  The first time I remember hearing/seeing the word AIDS was when I was standing in line at the ACME supermarket and on a People Magazine was a headline about Rock Hudson dying.  I asked my mom, who I was with at the time, who Rock Hudson was and what was AIDS?  A normal question for a 10 year old.  I don't remember what my mom's explanation was.  I am honestly not sure if she or anyone who wasn't in "medicine" knew for sure what it was.  I do know that it was essentially considered a death sentence in the 80's; then in 1991 Magic Johnson announced that he was HIV positive.  He has lived for two decades with the disease and is an advocate through The Magic Johnson Foundation, educating people each and everyday, because although HIV can be controlled with medication and a healthy lifestyle, it is important to enlighten people about how important prevention and early detection can be.

In Dallas Buyers Club, one gets a taste of what it was like for gays in the 1980's.  I cannot believe there was a time when people shunned homosexuals with such hatred simply because of who they decided to love or people in general because they didn't have the same skin color.  

I, myself, have so many different types of friends that I can't fathom anyone treating them with anything but respect.  I know not everyone shares that view, my eyes are not covered with rose-colored glasses, but I am so glad that I live in a time where it is becoming more acceptable to be who you are and love who you want.  

Feeling Like a Rockstar

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  Sarah, In the time that I have known you, you have been one of the brightest people I've had the pleasure of meeting. Your can-do attitude, bubbly personality, and ability to care of others even when you need taking care of yourself is what sets you apart in this world. Although I've known you for only a year or so, I idolize you. You have taken care of your son alone, and he has grown up to be an amazing young man. You started the Bee's Knees, which has raised thousands of dollars to help people with Myeloma. You have kept a positive attitude whenever working late nights at D-- or all day on the weekends, which is hard to do when you're bouncing from one job to the next. Although you may not see it, these, and many more, are the things that will allow you to succeed. I know four years is a big commitment, but there will always be people here supporting you, and we can get through this together! I know you said people have been saying "when one door closes, god opens a window," but I think a better saying would be "when God closes one door, He opens a gate." Windows are small and hard to get through (and no one really wants to go through them), but gates open wide, and after you get through college, I know your gate will be fully open, allowing you to take on opportunities you never imagined possible. I am so proud of you, and I truly believe that people who persist, have a passion, and stay humble and compassionate are the ones who get the farthest in life. I have no doubt in my mind that you will succeed in college and beyond!

I received this email in response to a blog that I wrote regarding my decision to go back to school after 17 years.  It was written by one the young ladies that I work with at my part-time job.  

I keep going back to this message not only because I miss the heck out of all of my kids who are away right now, but because I cannot believe that she is writing about me. The first time I read it my eyes filled, I could hardly get through the message because I was so choked up.

This young woman goes to school in up-state NY, she is brilliant, and has such a bright future ahead of her and lets not forget she's completely adorable!! How could someone who I admire so much for being young in this effed-up world that we live in idolize me?!?  

I can admit this is the biggest compliment a person can receive.  It must be what rock stars feels when the audience is singing back to them or wants their autograph or a quick picture with them.  Yes, that is how amazing I felt, no exaggeration.  If we live our lives inspiring just one person in it, haven't we done our jobs?  Inspiring a girl, a teenage girl is an extraordinary feat.  Remember back to when you were a teenager?  

I know that I brag all the time about my friends and how awesome and supportive they are (because it's true!); to know that I have the support of people who are currently in college and learning who they are themselves makes me want this even more.  I am inspiring people who inspire me!!  It's like a warm hug.

I haven't taken my role in these young men and women's lives lightly; each have a significant place in my heart.  Remember when you first read that quote which states that people are placed into your life for a reason, a season or a life-time? I thoroughly believe that this is true.  I only get to work with these young people for a short time because well, my part-time job is a temporary stop on their life's journey, but the wealth, knowledge and support that I attain from them makes my job fulfilling.

“Life is a bowl of cherries. Some cherries are rotten while others are good; its your job to throw out the rotten ones and forget about them while you enjoy eating the ones that are good! There are two kinds of people: those who choose to throw out the good cherries and wallow in all the rotten ones, and those who choose to throw out all the rotten ones and savor all the good ones.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

Anxiety

I am still struggling through a weird year.  I know that it could be so much worse, but what I am feeling is real and I am going to share it with you: 

I have been off the radar for a bit recently, especially on places that I usually will "status update" like it is second nature, but a few months ago I had a paralyzing feeling, not physically paralyzing, but mentally and psychologically paralyzing.  I have been dealing with ANXIETY.

Sounds simple, right?  I know that many of you can relate and I am not the only one walking around with this psychological burden.  At times I have felt crazy and unsettled.  I have been forgetting things, normal things like working the ice machine when getting fountain soda at a restaurant or not knowing where I am on my way home from the gym that I go to at least once a week.  Some of these instances have been super scary and overwhelming, but mostly I wake up anxious and go all day feeling like I am having a never ending panic attack, which in itself is exhausting.  If I am having a stressful day (cause we all have stressful days) to a normal person, I am feeling like I am going crazy.  I often think that someone is going to see right through me trying to be "normal" and commit me to the looney bin immediately. 

I am having a hard time liking the person I am lately because this anxiety has given me a short fuse;   making even the littlest things that people do annoying.  Sounds weird, but I don't like being around people.  Yes, ME!  On a good day I love people, I love being in the midst of everything and everybody.  I love making people laugh and hanging out.  Not lately.  I make excuses not to; I have turned in a shitty friend.

In the beginning of the summer I went to my primary care physician, I didn't want to increase the medication that I am already on (come one, most of you are too), because I've done that before and I can't walk around in a fog, that is only masking things and I need to be myself, so when the doctor admitted that there wasn't anything more that he could do for me he suggested that I make an appointment for a psychiatrist.  I had a lot of research to do, reviews to read and questions to ask.  When I called my top picks a make an appointment they said that they weren't taking new patients.  THAT WASN'T MAKING ME ANXIOUS AT ALL.  Finally, I found someone who would see me, but I had to see a therapist first to be evaluated before I could make an appointment for a psychiatrist; this was turning into a  project, imagine if I had a mental issue on a grander scale, this system was seemingly f*cked-uped, but I made the appointment.  The therapist was Ken, he was nice at first, but ended up being a dick.  It turns out that Ken was very presumptuous and condescending (but that's a whole other blog).

My appointment for my psychiatrist is this week and I feel like a kid waiting for Santa.  I have been waiting almost 3 months to "get fixed", to start to feel like myself, impromptu singing in my office and having 30 second dance parties at random. Do I know where this stemmed from or what caused it?  Not really, not yet.  My serotonin levels are off and it may just be a matter of my meds being changed up, but only time will tell that.

I already have another appointment with a therapist, don't worry, it's not Ken.  I feel like this whole summer has pasted by and I have been an anxious mess, but I am determined to use this as a learning experience and hopefully whoever reads this will understand why I have been M.I.A. 

I hope that others who are experiencing the same thing won't feel alone.  Everyone needs help, no one can live this life alone.  Just ask for it.

On the fence, over the fence...who put this fence here?

I came very close to ending my blog; in fact I am still on the fence about opening my soul to every person I know and then some (I get nervous butterflies every time I press 'Publish').  The last blog that I wrote prompted someone to write something that I considered derogatory and disgusting as a comment.  I was so taken back by this.  I am well aware that a lot of people have access to what I write, but this person is someone who knows me (acknowledging my second employer by name, something that I didn't divulge in the post).  My heart broke.  This blog is so far from my comfort zone, that I kept it private for months before I shared it with the world.  I thought that the people that I surround myself with were true friends, the people that I write about, the people that I adore.  Clearly, this is unrequited adoration.

I have received messages from people who actually like what I write.  Maybe they can relate, maybe it makes people laugh, maybe they're bored; either way they are reading what I write and liking it.  I like writing; I write to vent, to clear my head, to keep myself honest.

I don't write a controversial blog, so I don't know why someone would purposely write something hurtful, but I don't think that I am ready to give it up.  Perhaps I need a thicker skin or to be more selective on who I choose to be my friends.

I am not going to regress on my progress and cower from one hater.  It's not who I am.  I have been through some pretty tough things in my fairly short life.  I'll be damn if I let a mean commenter get the better of me!  Just sayin'

You can't silence me that easily!

Nights & weekends

Now that I have a second job in retail, it reminds me of how people are so very different from each other.  I worked in retail for close to 10 years before I put in my resume for the office job that I have now.  Believe me, it was the best move that I have ever made, but at the time the flexible hours of retail suited my single-mother lifestyle.  I have always dealt with customer service in one way, shape or form; the position that I have at my full-time job now is customer service, my customers are now mortgage companies & borrowers instead of retail shoppers, but in the title business it is all about the best service (after all, title premiums are set by law).  The retail world is back in my life and cracks me up (& not always in a good way) a little everyday.

I love people, they make my laugh.  The way we go about things as humans is very interesting to me.  The way we approach situations and deal with others attracts me.  Maybe this is why I choose Psychology as my major in college.  People love to be told how awesome they are and I am just the girl to tell you.

I often call myself a professional flirt; because I work with the public in both jobs and I go by the theory that you attract more flies with honey then vinegar.  It is easy to get what you want with a bat-of-the-eye-lashes or a sincere (or close enough to sincere as possible) compliment.  I will flirt with men, women, children, sales people (if it means I will save a couple of dollars) & most recently my new auto insurance agent who saved me hundreds-of-dollars a month when I added Bryan to my policy, not including the customers that I help on a daily basis.  (This makes me a Psych case all of my own, I'm sure.)

This weekend I noticed that some people get so pissed-off at the stupidest things.  I thought to myself while experiencing a couple of irate customers that if this is the stuff that get under these people's skins then they are lucky.  One customer, was so angry that the girls couldn't get her change of $100 dollars fast enough (she was only buying socks).  She was blessed enough to be buying socks with a hundred dollar bill.  May be she had more going on in her life.  May be she needed those socks for a sick father or mother, may be the cashiers was the icing-on-the-cake for an already very bad day.  Another customer called a one of the young men who works on our team "gay", with a negative connotation, without knowing him at all.  I almost fell over.  Really?  Could you be anymore more ignorant in this day and age?

These instances are just the couple of examples of this weekend & happens to be the minority of our customers, thank goodness, but putting myself back into population in the role of the retail sales associate is going to be more interesting then I can ever remember.  I can tell I will have to bite my tongue and just hope that all these people have bigger things going on at home  and that they are really not that mean; and may be I will be able to brighten someone's day by telling them how awesome they are.

I know my co-workers appreciate that I am their cheerleaders, just like I appreciate when they are mine; we all cheer each other on and encourage a good day.   Sometimes retail isn't SO terrible.

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path. ~Paulo Coelho

Remembering...

September is the month to celebrate.  It always has been since the very day that I was born, then at 19 years old I had more reason to celebrate because I had been blessed with the reason that I wake up everyday, my son Bryan.  He was born just 6 days after my birthday making him the best birthday present ever.
Those 6 days that fall in between our birthdays used to be filled with anticipation for Bryan when he was younger, because he knew that his was so so close.  It was filled with anticipation for me because I love to give my favorite person presents and I never wanted to wait to see his precious little face light up when he finally opens them.

Now, those days that fill the time between our birthdays are filled with thoughts of one day in September, 2001.  In fact, as it nears September, I being to feel my heart get a little bit heavier.  This year marks the 10th anniversary of that horrific event, just 90 miles up the street.  On September 11, 2001, the United States of America was attacked by terrorists in New York City, Pennsylvania and Washington DC.  On that day lives were changed forever.

On September 11, 2001, I was a young mom, in my mid-twenties, divorced a couple of years, working in retail as a department manager.  Most of my friends still had not had an children, but everything that I did was for mine or with him in mind.  When a managers meeting was just getting ready to start and our Human Resources manager came running in to tell us that a plane hit the World Trade Center, I couldn't fully comprehend UNTIL we all went into the break room and watched on the TV what the news would end up repeating over-and-over and what every American will never be able to erase from their brains.  I remember my heart feeling like it was physically breaking, the heaviness in my chest (the same heaviness that I get every September now) was making me weak in the knees; the sadness was over-whelming, but I didn't cry.  I watched.  I watched and was scared, boy, was I scared.  Was I that naive that I thought that this would or could never happen to us?!?  I needed to find out how Bryan was; I called this school.  He was in second grade and was about to turn 7 that year.  The administration had told me that they announced what had happened, but wanted to keep things as normal as possible, but I was allowed to pick him up if I wanted to.  I opted not to, but I had to think about how I was going to handle this once I had picked him up from after-school care.  I was so young and didn't exactly have any answers myself.

I asked Bryan the other night, 'What do you remember about 9/11?'.  He went on to tell me exactly where he was sitting and what was being taught, but then he said, I remember not really caring when I heard.  A very honest answer and in reality, I am sure that he didn't, then he saw the TV footage and had a million questions just like the rest of us.
I am always very real with Bryan, so I didn't sugar coat.  I wasn't going to hide that there are bad people out there, I wasn't going to say that this wasn't going to happen again, but I was going to make sure that Bryan knew that you still had to treat people the way you would want to be treated.  Just because there are absolutely rotten people out there, let's not pretend that there aren't, we have to be bigger, more united and stronger then they are.  There are people who are always going to be jealous; jealous of what Americans have and represent, but if we stand together then we will over-come.
September 12, 2001 there was a thunder & lightning storm.  Bryan woke up screaming.  He thought we were being bombed.  It broke my heart.  The sleeplessness didn't last long, but I'll never forget.

Since then, New York has become one of my favorite places to visit.  It really reminds a person how very small one is in the big scheme of things; something I think everyone need to be reminded once-and-a-while. 
We have gone to Ground Zero, the name that has been given to the site where The Twin Towers once stood.  We have paid our condolences to those lives that were lost and changed forever.  We have mourned the American soldiers lost in battle defending us.  We prayed and still do for the soldiers to come home safely to their families. 

I hope that the family and friends of victims and all those who had to endure the pain of September 11, 2001 have grown from this tragedy and become stronger people.  This year is only the 10th anniversary, you will never be forgotten and are all considered heroes in my eyes.

The Laundry Mat

Last week, the day after I did my laundry, Bryan did his.  He went to put his clothes in the dryer and it doesn't work.  I blamed Bryan, he blamed me; either way it doesn't work.  When I went to do my laundry this past weekend, I had remembered that the darn dryer was broken.  CRAP!!

Enter my Laundry Mat Adventurrrrrrrrre (said like Pigs In Space from The Muppets!).  I arrive at the laundry mat with my wet clothes & look around for a dryer; while this may seem easy, I haven't been in a laundry mat for years and don't readily know the schematics for said mat.  I find two machines and am well on my way to dry clothes.  I am rockin & rolling now.  Wow, this was going to be a long wait.
As, I am sitting there thinking I should may be grab a drink from the bar at the other end of the strip mall, but then realize that I look disgusting.  Well, there goes that idea.  The other people in the laundry mat were not people I would normally hang out with.  I have my ear buds in, listening to my music, looking around at these people that I have nothing in common with.  It was then that it occurred to me what a snob I was being.
I had everything in common with the patrons of the laundry mat that day.  I was there among the regulars doing my laundry because I don't have a dryer.  I was essentially on their turf, invading their territory thinking I was better.  I am absolutely no better then these people; just because we may not have the same language or color skin, doesn't mean that I am any better.  I felt like a complete jerk.

I believe that sometimes God puts people in certain situations to humble them.  I was absolutely humbled; totally realizing we are all just humans, humans who want the same things in life, whether it be making sure our children do well in school,  providing for our families so that food is on the table, or having clean, dry clothes.

Until I can get my dryer fixed, I will be spending more time with the patrons of this laundry mat.