Underdogs or Heroes?

I originally wrote this on May 1st, the next day I was told some disheartening news about Kevin.  The night after the event of this post took place Kevin was robbed by a group of area kids.  The end result was not good.  There seemed to be a bit of a scuffle, Kevin is 5'1"-5'2" and he was by himself; he ended up pulling out a knife and well, let's put it this way, no one is dead, but Kevin is in county jail where he will remain until bare minimum his arraignment at the end of the month.  

I believe in every word that wrote about Kev, I know that he has the potential to be a great human being.  

"I am a big fan of the misunderstood, the vilified, 

the underdog, the breaking of myths." - Dominic Monaghan

Over the weekend one of my son's friends contacted me.  He asked me if I had time to help him with a resume.  My first thought was that it has taken me a long time to find a job, are you sure that you want my help?!?  Of course I was willing to lend a hand.

A little background about this particular friend, Kevin, he was never a huge hit with the other parental units among Bryan's crowd.  He is quiet when he doesn't know you, which may make him come across as shady and untrustworthy.  He is always wearing headphones tuning out society and loathes authority.  He is generally bearded and wears gauges in his ears.  He seemed to mix with the wrong people and trouble repeatedly found him.

I try not to judge people, especially teenagers and young people, mainly because they are in this stage for such a short time, trying to find where they fit in.  Some make really bad decisions, but Kevin was always respectful of me and my home and I have a soft spot for the underdog.  After all, someone has to help these boys become the men they are meant to be.

One day, this young man decided he didn't like having to alter his brain every day to feel something or nothing, (I suppose is a better way to put it). Kevin was taking a huge step; he wanted to change, wanted a chance, so he took it.  He is just about to finish his first semester in college, so when I heard he needed help with a resume I was so excited.

He came over on Monday night, as planned, with a ginormous back pack on his back filled with school books and a laptop computer; while I booted up my laptop he gathered the resume information.  As I looked over the information I asked Kevin, who Ralph was, (it was all Ralph’s information in front of me).  "A guy I met on the corner.” he said.  Well, my neck spun around so fast, I am surprised I didn't have whiplash.  WHAT?  Seriously, was this a joke?  I went from proud to heartbroken within a matter of seconds.

It turns out I did not need to be heartbroken, but heart-filled.  Ralph is not a dealer (& I am ashamed now to have even thought that), but a young homeless man who was distributing a newspaper written and distributed by homeless people.  Kevin had been donating to help out Ralph when they started to delve a little deeper in conversation.  Ralph was looking for a job and Kevin offered to help.

Ralph's information was extensive; this was an educated young man.  His resume proved that he was educated and could hold a job.  He was descriptive and had a plethora of skill sets.  Why was this young man handing out papers?  I'll never know, but if I can be a small part in helping Ralph get back on his feet the way so many have helped me, please let me.

I am so proud of my son's friend.  Kevin doesn't get applauded for much or ask for it, lately he has been flying under the radar, doing school work and generally trying to lay-low; however, I could not let this go unnoticed.  I am proud and thankful that he came to me to help and I am also honored to say that I think of Kevin as another son.  I hope and pray that Bryan and all of his friends create an amazing path for each of their lives.  It would be outstanding if they all chose to help others while their doing it.

Love Thy Neighbor

"Treat Others the Way YOU Want to be Treated"

I was in high school when Nelson Mandela was released from prison.  Apartheid. Segregation; these are words from another era.  An era that we hear our grandparents and parents speak of.  It's not supposed to be something that I remember seeing on the news, but it is.  Mandela, being such a peaceful man, held no animosity for those who imprisoned him, only love.  

He is quoted as saying that “No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”  

People must learn to hate?  That is sickening, but as we all know there are still people who are teaching this by their actions.  I am so thankful that I didn't grow up with that hatred and I am proud to say that my son does not have that hatred.  In fact, I made sure that he grew up in a house where accepting people was the only option.  Everyone was welcome in my home, unless there was an extenuating circumstance (e.g. being a brat) proving otherwise.  Another public issue that Mandela wasn't afraid to address was AIDS, he was personally affected by the epidemic when his son passed away from the disease, this was a man who knew that he wasn't above the issues, but made sure that education and awareness were abundant to those willing to listen and learn.

I also just had a similar conversation with my brother after seeing Dallas Buyers Club over Thanksgiving weekend.  WOW, what a movie.  Outstanding performances!!  Everyone should go out and see this movie.  

After the movie my brother, who is 8 years older than I, were discussing AIDS in the 1980's.  He obviously remembers way more about the emerging of this disease into society then I do.  The first time I remember hearing/seeing the word AIDS was when I was standing in line at the ACME supermarket and on a People Magazine was a headline about Rock Hudson dying.  I asked my mom, who I was with at the time, who Rock Hudson was and what was AIDS?  A normal question for a 10 year old.  I don't remember what my mom's explanation was.  I am honestly not sure if she or anyone who wasn't in "medicine" knew for sure what it was.  I do know that it was essentially considered a death sentence in the 80's; then in 1991 Magic Johnson announced that he was HIV positive.  He has lived for two decades with the disease and is an advocate through The Magic Johnson Foundation, educating people each and everyday, because although HIV can be controlled with medication and a healthy lifestyle, it is important to enlighten people about how important prevention and early detection can be.

In Dallas Buyers Club, one gets a taste of what it was like for gays in the 1980's.  I cannot believe there was a time when people shunned homosexuals with such hatred simply because of who they decided to love or people in general because they didn't have the same skin color.  

I, myself, have so many different types of friends that I can't fathom anyone treating them with anything but respect.  I know not everyone shares that view, my eyes are not covered with rose-colored glasses, but I am so glad that I live in a time where it is becoming more acceptable to be who you are and love who you want.  

Have you ever wondered?

Since my anxiety has been so terrible lately, I have stopped taking my group exercise classes that I love so much at my local YMCA.  DON'T FRET, I know that exercise is a key to curing my over-whelming anxiety, so I have been focusing more on running, which is like mediation for me and can connect to my breathing in such a way that it calms me.

As most people know, when one exercises at the gym they often listen to music. Everyone is walking around with their MP3 doing their thing.  This brings me to my question, have you ever wondered what other gym-goers are listening to?  My iPod is quite the eclectic collection; I know, most people say that, but it is the truth.  There is so much going on on my iPod I don't really know where to start.

I know that when I am at the gym I like it hard & fast, my music that is.  The faster the tempo, the more focus I have; with that in mind, I also like dance music/hip hop.  Fast moving music is what I need to get moving.  OBVIOUSLY!!

I did a little bit of research on the topic and here are my results:

Quite a few of my friends listen to same kind of music I do (birds of a feather...), whether it be rock, metal or punk; fast beats seem to be popular and they also like their hip hop.
Another popular thing to listen to is Pandora radio.  I love that idea!  I am going to have to try that route.  

I also found out that no one listens to pod casts, & some don't listen to music at all, they prefer the quiet (not sure what gym they go to, but mine is hardly quiet).  Some people at my gym even plug their head phones into the TV an just listen to that.

Music therapy has become more popular then ever, it is helping people get through work-outs each and everyday, but it also can be soothing after a break up, or death or bring you to a place you haven't been for years.  My iPod may be eclectic, but most of the songs come with a memory or story, so if you see me smiling while I am at the gym, I may be thinking of that time when that happened & this song was on...

Tell me what you love to listen to at the gym or while you work out!!

Anxiety

I am still struggling through a weird year.  I know that it could be so much worse, but what I am feeling is real and I am going to share it with you: 

I have been off the radar for a bit recently, especially on places that I usually will "status update" like it is second nature, but a few months ago I had a paralyzing feeling, not physically paralyzing, but mentally and psychologically paralyzing.  I have been dealing with ANXIETY.

Sounds simple, right?  I know that many of you can relate and I am not the only one walking around with this psychological burden.  At times I have felt crazy and unsettled.  I have been forgetting things, normal things like working the ice machine when getting fountain soda at a restaurant or not knowing where I am on my way home from the gym that I go to at least once a week.  Some of these instances have been super scary and overwhelming, but mostly I wake up anxious and go all day feeling like I am having a never ending panic attack, which in itself is exhausting.  If I am having a stressful day (cause we all have stressful days) to a normal person, I am feeling like I am going crazy.  I often think that someone is going to see right through me trying to be "normal" and commit me to the looney bin immediately. 

I am having a hard time liking the person I am lately because this anxiety has given me a short fuse;   making even the littlest things that people do annoying.  Sounds weird, but I don't like being around people.  Yes, ME!  On a good day I love people, I love being in the midst of everything and everybody.  I love making people laugh and hanging out.  Not lately.  I make excuses not to; I have turned in a shitty friend.

In the beginning of the summer I went to my primary care physician, I didn't want to increase the medication that I am already on (come one, most of you are too), because I've done that before and I can't walk around in a fog, that is only masking things and I need to be myself, so when the doctor admitted that there wasn't anything more that he could do for me he suggested that I make an appointment for a psychiatrist.  I had a lot of research to do, reviews to read and questions to ask.  When I called my top picks a make an appointment they said that they weren't taking new patients.  THAT WASN'T MAKING ME ANXIOUS AT ALL.  Finally, I found someone who would see me, but I had to see a therapist first to be evaluated before I could make an appointment for a psychiatrist; this was turning into a  project, imagine if I had a mental issue on a grander scale, this system was seemingly f*cked-uped, but I made the appointment.  The therapist was Ken, he was nice at first, but ended up being a dick.  It turns out that Ken was very presumptuous and condescending (but that's a whole other blog).

My appointment for my psychiatrist is this week and I feel like a kid waiting for Santa.  I have been waiting almost 3 months to "get fixed", to start to feel like myself, impromptu singing in my office and having 30 second dance parties at random. Do I know where this stemmed from or what caused it?  Not really, not yet.  My serotonin levels are off and it may just be a matter of my meds being changed up, but only time will tell that.

I already have another appointment with a therapist, don't worry, it's not Ken.  I feel like this whole summer has pasted by and I have been an anxious mess, but I am determined to use this as a learning experience and hopefully whoever reads this will understand why I have been M.I.A. 

I hope that others who are experiencing the same thing won't feel alone.  Everyone needs help, no one can live this life alone.  Just ask for it.

He hasn't forgotten about me.

When my son left for college in August I honestly didn't know how I would be able to live without seeing my only child, the love of my life, everyday.  It was one of the hardest days of my life dropping him off at Bloomsburg University.  I got through it, not without a bunch of tears, but I was able to get through it.

The tears?  I guess most mother's cry when their kids leave home for the first time.  I am not generally a crier, but it felt like someone ripped my heart out that day.  Not only because I knew I'd miss him, but because I felt like he would forget me.  Sounds crazy, I know. Sounds irrational, I get it; but I also know my son.  Has my prediction come true?  I have spoken to Bryan on the phone I think three times total since he has left, he texts me when he needs something, mostly funds or to tell me that he is coming home for the weekend.  The first weekend he came home I saw him for 20 minutes total, his bed wasn't even slept in. (Boy, did I voice my opinion about that!!)  The next & only other time that he came home I actually had a meal with him.  Progress! 

He hasn't forgotten about me.  I have come to realize this.  What HAS happened is that I have raised an independent young man; from the time he was 2 weeks old I have had to leave him to go to work or class.  He has learned from a very young age that I would always come for him & that he was never abandoned.  The first day of kindergarten he barely waved good-bye when he was getting on the bus.  He'd spend weekends with his father and I knew he was safe; now, I can only pray that the values, the ground work that I laid was enough.

Why would I think college would be any different? This time he was leaving me. 

How have I fared?  Actually, I am doing really well.  Working two jobs and going to the gym whenever I can certainly has helped to keep me busy. 

My house is clean.  Bryan comes as a package deal.  His friends are always with him, bare minimum 5 guys on a quiet night.  Now, as one knows young men are freaking gross (no offense guys)!!  My toilet paper cost alone has been cut in half.  My shower head is always adjusted to the right setting and I know when we run out of something because I was the last one to use it. 

I miss my baby boy more than anyone can imagine.  I am glad he will be coming home in just a couple of days for Thanksgiving break, but now I know that when he goes back I will be just fine,
he will be just fine and we will be together again at Christmas break.