Leo, my puppychops.

“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.” 

― Will Rogers

Leonardo DiCaprio Puppychow Heek Boyer (Leo), our dog, had been in our family for 14 years.  

When I was married my ex-husband he was never very interested in having a dog, not that he doesn't like dogs, he just thought that we weren't ready for it and it wouldn't give us the freedom to just get up and go.

It was the day after my husband had told me that he didn't want to be married any longer, that he just was never in love with me, that Kelly, my then neighbor, along with Bryan who was 5 years old and her son Mitchell who was 3 and a half, took a trip to the mall.  Kelly wanted to get me out of the house, to focus on anything other then reality, being February there wasn't too much to choose from, so window shopping it was.  Since, the 2 boys were with us they naturally gravitated  towards the Kay Bee Toy store. I had been in another world, pacing toward the front of the store, just numb from my world getting turned upside-down, when a young girl came in holding puppies, her name was Asia.  She said that the puppies were up for adoption.  Her grandmother's dog had given birth to a litter a few weeks ago and they couldn't afford to care for them for much longer.  I took her number, went to my mom for advice & took the night to think about it. It didn't take too much convincing or thought to decide that a puppy was exactly what Bryan & I needed.  After all, Bryan was at a great age to start learning responsibility and I couldn't really see a downside.  I phoned Asia and met her the next day, she had one male left and we were blessed with our first dog.  Leo was only 7 weeks old so I had to spoon feed him baby cereal and take him to get his shots.  The veterinarian gave us a clean bill of health and so began our journey. 

I had never had a dog before much less a puppy and I had literally no idea what I was doing.  It was a bit if a rough start for us, I had NO IDEA the work that goes into having a new born pup.  I quickly caught on (like any puppy-mother does) and figured out that all they really want is love.  Leo became Bryan's best friend instantly.  Leo was very willing to be wrestled with, tackled, chased and used as a pillow.  He was always so happy when visitors came over, because they were obviously there to see him. (DUH!  Why else would people be over?!?)  He was an attention hog and jealous as all get out.  He was always in everyone's business and ready to give you every toy or half chewed up bone that he had upon your arrival.  

KISSES ALL OF THE TIME!!  The kisses that once annoyed me I will miss the most.  He was so loving and loved to give kisses, to the point where I had to correct him when he went to town on certain people (others could fend for themselves! that, or it was just funny to watch...).  Look at me.  Look at me.  I will give you kisses anywhere until you acknowledge me; arm pits, jeans...just pet me you fool.

Leo kissing my niece, Hadley.  Hadley saying "NO MORE!"

Leo was so full of energy.  I actually had to warn people about his high energy.  He wouldn't think twice about corning someone and demanding to be pet.  He really was quite hospitable (on his conditions) OH!  Let's not forget that ALL food was up for grabs, along with tobacco of any kind, it didn't necessarily have to be legal, alcohol, Chapstick, lipstick, prescription medication, or really anything that might be in your purse or jacket draped over a chair, but it wasn't his fault that we didn't know his rules.  Learning his rules had led to many ridiculous, memorable and some embarrassing stories.  I am so thankful for all of them.  We enjoyed this craziness and by craziness, I mean CRAZINESS!!! up until last year when it came to a screeching halt.  Leo had slowed down immensely.

One of Bryan's friends who was over recently said, he went really hard for 13 years and now he's just so tired; another nicknamed him "The Lone Majestic Wolf".  They all loved him as much as we did.

Unfortunately, this weekend I had to make a decision that no one ever wants to make.  I had to decide that it would be more humane to euthanize our family pet then see him suffer everyday.  UGH!!!  The day had come and I had to put my big girl pants and put what was best for this precious animal who I loved like family, first.  Breaking the news to Bryan was heart-wrenching.

Leo was a part of us and it is going to be hard, but I know he had a good life.  He stole our hearts and became the perfect fit for our tiny family and has been through so much with us.  Bryan and I didn't have an easy start, but once I committed to Leo, I was all in.  We may not have been rich, but that's the thing with dogs or any pet, they don't care about any of that, rich or poor, fat or thin, it is all irrelevant; what they want is completely free.

Leo, you will be missed more than I ever thought possible. You are forever in our hearts. R.I.P. my friend. 

Leo Boyer, (January 3, 2000 - February 12, 2014)

“Such short little lives our pets have to spend with us, and they spend most of it waiting for us to come home each day. 

It is amazing how much love and laughter they bring into our lives and even how much closer we become with each other because of them.” 

― John Grogan, Marley and Me: Life and Love With the World's Worst Dog

worse before it gets better.

This week is proving to be the hardest yet; my heart is exposed.

I have never tried so hard to keep busy in my life...to make sure that I was surround by people.  My friends have their own families, their own routine, then enter Sarah; the girl who is not ready to be by herself yet.  Sarah, the woman who is not proving to be as strong as she thought that she was.  My friends have been bending over backward to be there for me. I have no complaints.  Everyone who I have asked to hang out or come over, has come through, without a missing a beat.

It is crazy how I remember exactly who was/is there for me.  It's crazy how I remember who wasn't.  You know, the people who you thought would be there for you but weren't and the surprise of people who were there that you may not have expected to be.  It was a whirlwind of overwhelming emotions, but I remember it ALL.

After it is all said and done, I am still not OK.  I think when people ask me how I am, that is how they would like me to answer, but I can't.   I am far from OK.  I am farthest from OK that I have been so far.  I am zoning out (staring into space) A LOT; I am hurt by those who I thought would have been there, but weren't & that they think that it's perfectly fine.  (This is my selfishness coming out.  Silly me, thinking friends should be acting exactly like that...FRIENDS.  Remember my heart is exposed, so you're reading what I feel.)

Many people have told me that it does get worse before it gets better.  How much worse can I expect?  I mean, I get out of bed and do what I am suppose to do on a daily basis, but throughout the day I feel open and vulnerable, like at any moment I may have yet another "break-down".  This person is not me!  I have been through A LOT in my 36 years.  I am strong and come through any situation like gang busters.  I am that woman with amazing coping skills.  Well, where the hell are they now is what I would like to know?

People, clients at my full-time job will ask how my holidays were.   Not exactly my favorite question these days.  I am honest.  I tell them, they were kind of crappy and then explain why.  I am not going to lie & say that they were great.  I happen to be pretty transparent, so everyone would see right through that anyway.  My mom passed away suddenly and the more I say it out loud, the more it heals me.

I thank God that I am the type of person who surrounds (or try to) myself with uber amazing people who love me unconditionally; (I can be hard to love at times - my mom would be the first one to agree with that!) which means my friends are the real deal.  These uber amazing people WANT to be a part of my life; that thought is over whelming by itself.

Pretty soon I will be OK, not super, not fabulous, but OK.  I actually look forward to that; with the help of the wonderful people in my life, I know I will get there.  Slowly, but surely.  I can't wait to say, "I'm OK!"

You're going to be just like her.

These past 2 weeks have been the hardest I have ever had to face.  On December 20th, my mother passed away suddenly.  On December 20th our lives changed forever.  My mom was the kind of mom that I was always jealous of.  The kind of mom we all would like to be; she was that mom who was blessed enough to be room-mom, who went on class trips, who volunteered at the school and various church function.  She was the mom that everyone knew.  My mom was the type of mom who planned family dinners nightly & who knew all of my friends.  She loved them and we all loved her.

My mother was also my father's care-giver; Pop was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma (MM) in early 2009.  My mom, who took care of my father is now gone.  My father is the strongest man that I know, he will fight this.  He'll fight for all of us.  Pop has always put in extra-hours, working hard is nothing new to him.  I am worried about him, but I know he'll survive because he's the one who taught me how to make a come back.

We had to plan a viewing and a Catholic Funeral Mass over Christmas.  We couldn't work it in before the holiday weekend, so we had these funeral arrangements looming over us for a solid week.  You may as well just have ripped out all of our hearts.

Christmas was hard.  New Years Eve was even harder.  They'll be hard for the rest of my life, I know this.  Nothing can ever prepare you for the hurt of losing a parent suddenly; the thoughts, the things you wished you'd mention, the regrets of the things that you didn't say or do.  There is a broken feeling that is truly unbearable. 

This is where my friends amaze me.  I cannot put into words (although, I'll try) how much they have been there for me. Everyday my friends have checked-in on me.  My friends, some who I've known since grade-school, have been in touch and just have been saying the most touching things and sharing memories that they have of my mom.  I even heard one of my old friends tell my Pop that my mom helped raise all the kids that went to school with us.  I have also had friends who have been through very similar situations contact me to share their experiences to help me understand what to expect and give me the support I needed.  I have never felt so much love in my life.  Every email, every text message, every card, every phone call that I received was like I was warm hug. 

So many people came to pay respect to my mom.  The love that people had for her was over-whelming.  On our way home, when everything was finally over (feeling like a weight had been lifted.  It had been 8 days since her actual death), Bryan says to me, "Mom, you're going to be exactly like her."  Knowing that I am very much like my father I had asked why he thought that.  He explained that I am the type of mom that everyone loves; not just as a mom, but as a friend and as a person...just like her, my mother, Rosemary Burns, (1942-2011).  My father has taught me how to be a hard-working woman while my mother taught me how to be a"mom" (and everything else that goes with THAT title).

Voilà, lemonade is served.

There are so many reason's why I write this blog; the biggest reason would probably be my sanity.  Getting all the thoughts and feeling in my head out in a public forum?  Yea, it is totally not something that I am always comfortable with.  One might say it is a little outside my box.  I do it because it keeps me honest with myself and brings me back to my basic beliefs and values which I think most people struggle with on a daily basis.  I am here to admit that I struggle and I am on a journey to be the person that I want to be.


Lately, a friendship was ended because this person claimed that they needed more positivity in their life.  More positivity?  Well, good luck with that because my cup is 99.9% full. (Yes, I have my days, but seriously I am a ray of sunshine!)  Life has given me lemons-a-plenty, and voilà, lemonade is served.

I get stressed.  Who doesn't?  Recently, I have been super-stressed and told the world.  Did me voicing my craziness to the world help me?  Maybe, maybe not, but hopefully it made someone feel like they're not alone in feeling like a hot mess on what seems to be any given day.

I am learning that life doesn't get ANY easier when kids grow up.  I have spent many hours waiting for the next step.  The easier days, the days when I wouldn't have to pay for daycare anymore because he was old enough for before-and-after school care (& it was so much cheaper - I couldn't wait to hand over that last check to day care.)  Then, I was counting the days until Bryan could come home on his own. (He was a latch-key kid; terrible mommy, I know.) I was nervous when he reached that age, but he was always so responsible.  He got his first cell phone and since then he has 'checked in' with me everyday.  He used to call the office, tell me about his day & let me know what homework he had, now I get a text message that merely says "checking in".  I guess it is being human to want the next thing, but the next thing is starting to freak me out!!!  
Bryan is looking for a car and applying to colleges.  My child will soon be taking the next step.  STRESS; where there is stress there are short fuses and bickering; leading to more stress.  There is no easy days when you're a parent, but I can sit in the recliner and look at my son and say, "Wow, I did that."  SURREAL & SCARY!!  Until someone comes up to you and says what a good kid he is, then scary turns into PRIDE.

My whole life I have been playing dodge ball with lemons, I have learned to juggle and squeeze these bitter little bastards, and I know that I am no where near done.  I do know for sure that the people that I have surrounded myself with and the love and support of my friends, Bryan & I can do anything.  We are one tribe and we carry each other to and through the next steps, good or bad.

You're my Golden Girl

I have always considered myself a good friend, I'm not trying to be arrogant, but I am.  I am a good friend because I surround myself with good, positive people.  It is easy to want to do things and be there for others when they are doing good things and being there for you.  So, yea, I am a good friend.

It is not a secret that I love everyone in my life, I have told you a million-and-one times, but to me it is worth repeating.  Last night, it was another late night and I received a text message on my cell phone.  (Weird, I thought nearly the whole world would have been sleeping.)  The text said "I just thought of you, it was the theme song from The Golden Girls that made me want to say hi.  Just glad that you're my friend...You're my Golden Girl."  How could your heart not be filled with love from that compliment.

Granted, she went on to say that I was Blanche ;) & a bunch of other silliness, but the moral of the story is, MY HEART IS TRUE, I AM A PAL AND A CONFIDANT!

Rest assured that my loyalty to the people that I love is boundless & you've got me in your lives, for better or worse.

Well, not-so-much a city...

Today was a bit of a lazy day.  I woke up late, surfed the internet while I drank my coffee, ran a couple of errand, went on a walk with the dog & watched, surprisingly, the Sex and the City movie.  Yes.  You read correctly.  I never watched it when it was on HBO, mostly because I didn't get HBO.  Sometimes, because I am a night owl, I catch it in syndication.

For years people have told me that I remind them of Carrie Bradshaw (the main character &  narrator), on Sex and the City.  Today, for the first time I saw it.  We have similar hair (which I already knew), she sometimes is pretty, and sometimes not-so-much, she is stylish (I try to be...if I only had more occasion to be.) & she writes what she knows.  In most episodes, she is just as confused as I am.  Maybe that is why I didn't turn the channel.  She is single, looking for love and trying to weed out the losers, I'm sorry...the undeserving.  She has her Mr. Big, as did I (not anymore).  Carrie turns to her friends for everything and they teach her so many life lessons.  Carrie & her friends lives make for stories that are relate-able.  We all learn from our friends; the good stuff & bad stuff alike.  Her friends while being beautiful are all very different, strong women who lean on each other.  How many of us have circles like this? 

I know people think that Sex and the City is less than fabulous television & that is OK, but now when someone compares me to Carrie Bradshaw, I don't think I'll just think of her hair.

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." ~Carrie Bradshaw

Friends are the family that you choose!!

I just finished having an amazing visit with an old friend & I SO NEED IT!!

Everyone has different groups of friends throughout their life, sometimes throughout their day; school friends, work friends, gym friends, childhood friends, etc.; all special, all important, all there to get us through.  I have honestly been blessed beyond belief with so many very special people that have come in (and some out of) my life.  Yes, I love even those people who were once my friend and now are not.  I just do.  I have grown from the relationships I have had, all of them!  I know that there is a reason why they were put in my life & for whatever reason that is or was, I cherish those moments we spent.

I have different friends I go to for different things.  It sounds weird, but it's true.  I tell my best friend of 30+ years EVERYTHING.  The woman is my sister.  Her family is my family.  BUT there are other people who make me feel just as good, who know exactly what to say.  I have friends who I call when I am down about guy things, I have friends that I talk to about family, I even have friends I discuss spiritual stuff with.  I am gifted with these beautiful people who know exactly what to say to me and know when I need them.

There are others who take me away from reality, who, when I am with them I have such a great time that I actually forget the crappy; people who don't necessarily ask the questions, but are just there for me to listen if I want to talk.  They are the ones who make me laugh, who give my shenanigans right back to me and provide a numerous amount of laughter.

Now, don't get me wrong, we've all had our fights.  Holy moley, do we fight!  We are all very passionate people.  I may be a big personality and sometimes that big personality (along with a big mouth) gets me into some trouble, but my friends will give it right back.  How can you not respect that about someone?!?   Unconditional friendship.

Growth.  Not letting someone who means so much slip away.

I also love bringing all my groups of friends together.  It hasn't happened for a little bit (it happened much more often when my accommodations were bigger), but it needs to happen again soon!  I have known all these people for so long that they all are friends too.  One time one of them said to me, it is crazy how all of your different groups of friends get along so well. That statement is one I think about often.  I even found out a couple of years ago that 2 friends from 2 different circles are distant cousins, who grew up in the same town.

I crave my friends; all of these people who I have nestled in my life.  We have been through tons together.  Good things and bad.  They say that is how you know your friends are true, if they stick around through the tough times.  Well, I am proud to say mine are the truest, realest, bestest people in life.  If I am coming off as being proud right now, it is because I am.

Friends are the family that you choose!