It's That Time of Year Again.

My mind & body are enduring what can best be described as a hostile take-over.  Don't worry gents, this isn't a post about women things, it's a post about S.A.D., an abbreviation for Seasonal Affective Disorder, and it is real.  Every year, it is VERY REAL.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (or S.A.D.) is a type of depression that in most people who suffer from S.A.D. arrives in the Fall, and in most instances doesn't leave until the Spring.  S.A.D hit me like a ton of bricks on Sunday.  I have been feeling great lately.  People ask me how I was doing and it is a wonderful feeling to say "Good!" & mean it.  This year I didn't even see this wretched creature coming, but I know these feeling all to well to deny what they are.

I woke up on Sunday morning and immediately wanted to go back to sleep, but my neighbors are way too loud and were jamming out to some type of Grupera.  I am almost thankful for this because I probably would've slept all day otherwise; however, I didn't actually get out of bed until 1 p.m. ( I am seriously mortified writing this tid-bit, btw). It was now time to join society and be amongst the living.  So, I tried to be active, but I couldn't.  I wanted to bring out my Christmas decorations, but I couldn't.  I just couldn't.  I couldn't get myself to turn off Game of Thrones (which I have seen a few times...who wants to see that smoky demon thing coming out of the red chicks vag again anyway?). I couldn't get it together; that is until I heard Hoobastank's "The Reason" coming through the floorboards and then Adele.  Are you kidding me?  Why not just put a pillow over my face with that music selection?

I quickly got in my car and drove.

At this point I know exactly what I have to do to keep from slipping too far into a place that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, part of the reason I got my 2nd job is to keep my mind busy throughout these dreadful months.  As an anxious person who suffers from depression, the mind is a terrible place to be stuck.  Irrationality taking over can often ruin relationships, start fights with the most beloved people in ones life and add to existing anxiety.  Keeping busy is key.  PUSH YOURSELF!

Meditation is another way to try to get out of ones head.  Of course, meditation (dhyana) in it's most organic meaning is fabulous for the mind, body & spirit if you can do that.  Many can't.  Meditation takes practice, don't give up. I like to run and consider it a form of meditation.  Running connects me with my breath and takes me out of my head.  For some it may be a group exercise class, yoga or even free weights, but whatever it is find it and PUSH YOURSELF!


Surround yourself with people, not just any people, but people who make you feel good.  People who you know will cheer you up.  Socializing is so important, although very hard to do when you're feeling your most wretched & vulnerable, but so key.  If your honest with the people closest to you about what's going on they tend to understand and are much more patient when you have those little episodes of irrationality, mood swings, or woe-is-me moments.  I've learned that if these people who claim to care about you are anything other than supportive then they weren't a good friends anyway.  Judgement is not something you need when you are feeling the lowest of the low.

Four months out of every year is a struggle, but every year I battle and survive.  I SURVIVE!

Twenty Years.

Confession:  I originally wrote this 2 weeks ago, I haven't pressed publish until today because I was scared.  I was scared that it was too personal, what would people think?  Then I was reminded today, at my part-time job, of today's date, February 8th.  It's a day that I will never ever forget.  It's a day that changed my life forever and since when do I give an eff what people think?

As I was sitting in the waiting room of my gynecologist's office this morning I realized that it has been 20 years that I have been going there.  This February will be 20 years since I found out that I was pregnant; 20 years, but I remember just like it was yesterday.

The winter of 1993-1994 was endless.  I was working at Little Caesar's Pizza inside of the Warminster K-mart, I rang the new year in with my new-ish boyfriend, Dan, at a New Years party (Dan wasn't much of a partier at the time.  Me?  I was always a partier), it was going to be a fantastic new year, I had just started a new semester at Bucks County Community College; everything was perfect and normal for this 18 year old.

It was so cold, ice storms, snow storms and blizzards made the weather just miserable .  I remember being able to go sledding down the William Tennet High School's hill what seemed like every other day.  I was still a kid, doing kid things and loving every minute of it.

[This is where it gets personal...continue on, but don't say that you weren't warned!]

Then, I had mentioned to Dan that I hadn't gotten my period in a while, but I wasn't "regular" so I had not been freaking out.  (COMPLETE DENIAL.)  He was freaking out though!  We went to a random pharmacy in the area that week and picked up a test.  It wasn't long before we found out the results.  I was sobbing, and unfortunately they weren't the "happy tears" many of my friends experience today; so many thoughts were going through my head, but I was grasping at straws and still not convinced.  Maybe the UTI that I had had faltered the test, (COMPLETE DENIAL.) so I made an appointment with my primary physician where they took blood work.

I received a phone call from the doctor within the next couple of days, which I was lucky to intercept.  Keep in mind that I lived with my parents and siblings, there weren't cell phones, so it was imperative that I be the one to answer this call.  The nurse simply stated that the pregnancy test came back positive and that I should make an appointment with an obstetrician, then she said something about my "bun in the oven" and I didn't hear a word after that.  F&@K!!  All of a sudden I was a adult, making adult decisions.

I had to figure out how to tell everyone and by "everyone", I mean my parents.  I am still here to talk about it, so obviously I survived, but it was THE MOST TERRIFYING experience of my life.  They wanted answers that I couldn't provide.  How are you going to do this?  How is/that going to happen?  Is he going to stay with you?  Screaming ensued.  I was a scared little girl, who was already 8 weeks pregnant with her new-ish boyfriend's child.  I was 18 years old and Dan was 17 years old.  It was the rest of our lives we were planning, there were way more questions then answers and I barely had any answers.

My parents calmed down and when Bryan was born they loved him more than words could express.  It turns out that my new-ish boyfriend stuck around and became a great father; as a teenage mom I had no idea what I was doing, I felt like "mom's" should know more than I did and thought how was I going to teach a kid when I was still learning?

I found out that if you ask for help people will help you.  God has placed some very significant people in my life and on my path.  I am so grateful for EVERYTHING, no matter how great or small.  Everything matters when you're in need.  God saw that I needed great friends and delivered.  It really does take a village.

This September Bryan will be 20 years old and I have been blessed enough to raise this outspoken, opinionated, honest, and one of the most loyal guys that I have ever met.  He is ridiculously confident and funny, and he's easy to talk to.  He's had his share of shenanigans, but he wouldn't be our child if he didn't.

20 years ago, I had a decision to make, I thank God everyday that I made the right one.