Forward motion

"experience the bittersweet
to taste defeat, then brush your teeth...
cause i struggle with forward motion
i struggle with forward motion
we all struggle with forward motion
cause forward motion is harder than it sounds
well every time i gain some ground
i gotta turn myself around again..."

~Relient K

One month ago today I was making plans to go to The Craft Beer Fest in Philadelphia, ensuring that  my friend got the email & still had plans on going (although it was months away), we had such a blast last year!  The same friend had written on my Facebook wall that day to let me know the very important news of Britney Spears (truth be told I have a girl crush on her and will defend her like we were related).  Britney got engaged again and she couldn't wait to tell me.  I didn't have to work the second job that night, so I was able to catch up with a couple of friends.  It was a normal, boring Monday in every sense of the word.  I went to work that morning, I even blogged that night.

One month ago I called my Mom.  She asked me if we were coming to Christmas at their house; then told me she wasn't feeling well and was actually on her way to bed when I had called.  I told her that Bryan and I would be there and she said that she would talk to me before then, she told me to give Bryan a hug for her, I replied "feel better, good night!" and we hung up...

The next day, I received a phone call a little after noon, the phone read "Mammie cell" (she's been in my phone like that for years because that is what Bryan called her when he was little; he couldn't pronounce Lammie, which is what we actually called her).  I thought 'why is she calling me?  She knows I'm at work', I was SO annoyed...so I put the ringer on silent and went to the ladies room on my way to lunch, after-all Christmas was coming and I need to get stuff done.  I checked my voice mail before heading out to run my errands and listened to an incoherent rambling from my father.  He was distraught, but I couldn't make out what it was that he was trying to convey (listening to it again, it was quite clear, I guess I had chosen not to comprehend it at that moment).  I called him immediately; what he said clear, hysterical, but clear as day, "Mom died.  She's dead."  I asked a bunch of questions.  What happened?  Where are you?  All he answered was "I'm at home."  I told him that I'd be there as soon as possible.  I hung up.   My life was changed forever.

It was over a week until we buried her; within that week, Christmas came & went.  I kept my promise to my Mom, Bryan & I went over to my Dad's house for Christmas.  We had dinner and exchanged presents, because that is what she would've wanted (she had done all her shopping), but most importantly that is what Pop wanted.  He wanted us all there.  He NEEDED us all there.

Recovery is pretty painful.  I have promised myself to keep moving in a forward motion, little steps are getting me through.  Pop needs us, his family, to help him in his fight to beat cancer.  Regaining strength...forward motion...baby steps.

One month makes a world of difference.  It can be the difference between a preemie and a full-term birth; it can be just enough time between crawling and walking...maybe that is why people refer to this healing as 'baby steps'?!?  I call it 'forward motion' and I will keep moving forward, as painful as it is some days.

Plans are being made, life is going on...there is still a Craft Beer Fest in Philly that Lammie would want me to go to!!  

"when i see what i should
when i see that it's good (that it's good)"

~Relient K

worse before it gets better.

This week is proving to be the hardest yet; my heart is exposed.

I have never tried so hard to keep busy in my life...to make sure that I was surround by people.  My friends have their own families, their own routine, then enter Sarah; the girl who is not ready to be by herself yet.  Sarah, the woman who is not proving to be as strong as she thought that she was.  My friends have been bending over backward to be there for me. I have no complaints.  Everyone who I have asked to hang out or come over, has come through, without a missing a beat.

It is crazy how I remember exactly who was/is there for me.  It's crazy how I remember who wasn't.  You know, the people who you thought would be there for you but weren't and the surprise of people who were there that you may not have expected to be.  It was a whirlwind of overwhelming emotions, but I remember it ALL.

After it is all said and done, I am still not OK.  I think when people ask me how I am, that is how they would like me to answer, but I can't.   I am far from OK.  I am farthest from OK that I have been so far.  I am zoning out (staring into space) A LOT; I am hurt by those who I thought would have been there, but weren't & that they think that it's perfectly fine.  (This is my selfishness coming out.  Silly me, thinking friends should be acting exactly like that...FRIENDS.  Remember my heart is exposed, so you're reading what I feel.)

Many people have told me that it does get worse before it gets better.  How much worse can I expect?  I mean, I get out of bed and do what I am suppose to do on a daily basis, but throughout the day I feel open and vulnerable, like at any moment I may have yet another "break-down".  This person is not me!  I have been through A LOT in my 36 years.  I am strong and come through any situation like gang busters.  I am that woman with amazing coping skills.  Well, where the hell are they now is what I would like to know?

People, clients at my full-time job will ask how my holidays were.   Not exactly my favorite question these days.  I am honest.  I tell them, they were kind of crappy and then explain why.  I am not going to lie & say that they were great.  I happen to be pretty transparent, so everyone would see right through that anyway.  My mom passed away suddenly and the more I say it out loud, the more it heals me.

I thank God that I am the type of person who surrounds (or try to) myself with uber amazing people who love me unconditionally; (I can be hard to love at times - my mom would be the first one to agree with that!) which means my friends are the real deal.  These uber amazing people WANT to be a part of my life; that thought is over whelming by itself.

Pretty soon I will be OK, not super, not fabulous, but OK.  I actually look forward to that; with the help of the wonderful people in my life, I know I will get there.  Slowly, but surely.  I can't wait to say, "I'm OK!"

You're going to be just like her.

These past 2 weeks have been the hardest I have ever had to face.  On December 20th, my mother passed away suddenly.  On December 20th our lives changed forever.  My mom was the kind of mom that I was always jealous of.  The kind of mom we all would like to be; she was that mom who was blessed enough to be room-mom, who went on class trips, who volunteered at the school and various church function.  She was the mom that everyone knew.  My mom was the type of mom who planned family dinners nightly & who knew all of my friends.  She loved them and we all loved her.

My mother was also my father's care-giver; Pop was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma (MM) in early 2009.  My mom, who took care of my father is now gone.  My father is the strongest man that I know, he will fight this.  He'll fight for all of us.  Pop has always put in extra-hours, working hard is nothing new to him.  I am worried about him, but I know he'll survive because he's the one who taught me how to make a come back.

We had to plan a viewing and a Catholic Funeral Mass over Christmas.  We couldn't work it in before the holiday weekend, so we had these funeral arrangements looming over us for a solid week.  You may as well just have ripped out all of our hearts.

Christmas was hard.  New Years Eve was even harder.  They'll be hard for the rest of my life, I know this.  Nothing can ever prepare you for the hurt of losing a parent suddenly; the thoughts, the things you wished you'd mention, the regrets of the things that you didn't say or do.  There is a broken feeling that is truly unbearable. 

This is where my friends amaze me.  I cannot put into words (although, I'll try) how much they have been there for me. Everyday my friends have checked-in on me.  My friends, some who I've known since grade-school, have been in touch and just have been saying the most touching things and sharing memories that they have of my mom.  I even heard one of my old friends tell my Pop that my mom helped raise all the kids that went to school with us.  I have also had friends who have been through very similar situations contact me to share their experiences to help me understand what to expect and give me the support I needed.  I have never felt so much love in my life.  Every email, every text message, every card, every phone call that I received was like I was warm hug. 

So many people came to pay respect to my mom.  The love that people had for her was over-whelming.  On our way home, when everything was finally over (feeling like a weight had been lifted.  It had been 8 days since her actual death), Bryan says to me, "Mom, you're going to be exactly like her."  Knowing that I am very much like my father I had asked why he thought that.  He explained that I am the type of mom that everyone loves; not just as a mom, but as a friend and as a person...just like her, my mother, Rosemary Burns, (1942-2011).  My father has taught me how to be a hard-working woman while my mother taught me how to be a"mom" (and everything else that goes with THAT title).