2013, SEE YA!!

2013 WAS A RUTHLESS BITCH; from the beginning to the end.  Some years are like that, life lessons, growing stronger...yes, I get it.  Well, I am over it!  Turning lemons in to lemonade, I know every positive thought there is, trust me.

Maybe it is odd numbered years that I struggle with?  I am a bit OCD.

I am looking forward to 2014.  Realistically, I know just because you hang up a brand new calendar it doesn't necessarily mean things will change.  I will make them change.  I will take the shit that was handed to me in 2013 and turn it into sugar.  I have a faithful God who is looking over me and is giving me opportunities.  He has blessed me so much thus far, I can hardly lose faith now, not when I need it the most.

I have enjoyed some of it, I won't lie.  It started off a bit rocky for Bryan and I, if you recall.  I love this person more than I could ever imagine, unconditionally; this year taught me that.  I don't know if people actually realize this until something threatens their relationship with their child; illness, circumstance, what-have-you.  Of course, I have always loved Bryan unconditionally even before he was born, but when there is a real chance that you may lose that relationship "that love" changes into some unexplainable love.  It was such a struggle for me to let him grow; it sounds so natural, him leaving home and becoming more independent; it's not.  At least not for this Momma Bear.  It was losing control, worry and anxiety.  Letting him go was the hardest thing that EVER had to do in my life. (I surrendered to therapy and started feeling much better, by the way.) He doesn't agree, but I think he has grown as person.  I hope 2014 brings him wisdom and he sees the opportunities life hands him and takes advantage of them.

Also, I have seen so many people that I love having an amazing 2013 and as I said before, seeing my friends and their families flourish makes me happy; their gorgeous children, other halves and friends having geniune fabulous times.  I appreciate their happiness, it has become a realization that life is too short to not appreciate the little things.  Cherish every detail, every memory and keep posting because I know that my happiness is right around the corner and in-the-mean-time, I'll cherish yours.

So, see ya 2013...Here's to a FABULOUS 2014!  Making memories, living life, laughing, loving & cherishing EVERY SINGLE MOMENT.

Facebook. If you don't like it...

Earlier today while I was perusing through Facebook I noticed a very specific status update.  This person was complaining about people checking into their gyms on a daily basis and how annoyed they were by those "friends" who did this.  One of the people who commented on this person's status stated that this is not what Facebook is for, she went on to say it was for catching up with "friends"...WOW, how naive.

As the day went on I pondered on this status (the office is clearly much slower then normal. ha.) and what annoys me about Facebook; what I came up with is that what annoys me most about Facebook is when people complain about what other people post.

Seriously, people post what is important to them.

I go to the gym on a semi-regular basis.  Do I check in?  Yes. I do. (not lately though, I haven't been bringing my phone) Why?  I think checking into the gym is a way for people make themselves accountable.  I know a lot of people who are very passionate about fitness and leading a healthy lifestyle.  If you can't stand when people post about their well being and making the extra effort to get to some place that may be a struggle to get to for them, then hide them in your news feed.

Many, many, many people post pictures of food.  I still can't wrap my head around this, but I am not passionate about food.  I don't judge my friends who are and do post pictures of food.  They often deserve to post pictures because they are super talented in the kitchen.  Once again, maybe your "friends" are posting their meals to keep themselves accountable for what they are putting into their bodies.  Many people who are watching their weight post pictures for moral support.  If you can't get on board with that then hide their new feed.

Most people my age are now posting about their young children.  They post A LOT about their young children, like when I say A LOT, I mean A LOT.  I love my friends and their kids, so I am not annoyed by this usually, unless they're discussing potty training or ANY THING that is expelled from their children's bodies.  I am actually happy by how in love my friends are with their kids and laugh at what they have to expect, cause I've been there.  I often ask myself, how did people figure things out about parenting before asking all of your friends on Facebook what to do first?  Hey, it's takes a village and I know this from experience, but if you're annoyed by these gorgeous little humans that are our future, then you can always block their news feed.

How to deal with "Negative Nelly" postings on Facebook?  Well, first keep in mind that EVERYBODY has bad days, but if a "friend" is consistently posting negative statuses maybe it is a call for help.  I am not a negative person, but I am real, I will absolutely write a blog that isn't always peaches & cream, so the same goes for my Facebook statuses.  If you don't care enough to reach out to those people who may really be asking for help behind these statuses then hide their news feed and call it a day.

During the past few years from January through April I post a lot about my charity 5k.  I know for a fact that people/my "friends" get annoyed with my incessant begging for their money for the cause that is SUPER IMPORTANT to me.  I have had people come out & tell me how annoying I can be...sorry if I don't give an f*#k.  You can simply hide me on your news feed.
 

The bottom-line is Facebook is annoying.  It's annoying because their are SO MANY different  personalities coming through on your feed.  Probably hundreds.  In one day, Facebook can be political, religious, a comedy show, a networking group, a self-help group, a cookbook, a greeting card, a travel guide, headline news, fundraising efforts & a sounding box.  That is part of the fun of it, right?  There is something about your "friends" that keeps you coming back.  I know how interesting my friends are, I bet yours are just as awesome behind all of those annoying posts.

Surviving motherhood (so far!!)

Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed.  ~Linda Wooten

I know that this is weird to say, but this year is the first year that I have finally felt like a mom.  Weird, yes I realize, considering I've been called that name for years now.

I have always been very close with my son; having him at such a young age, you can't expect otherwise.  When Bryan was young I was the only one of my friends with a child. I had no clue what mothering was supposed to feel like, I didn't discuss feeling or emotion of motherhood on social networks (they hadn't been created yet), I knew I had to do the best for him by using common sense; putting him first and keep him alive seemed logical.

I looked at it as survival I suppose. I worked A LOT and went to college (although it was briefly, I still went). I came home and spent time with Bryan & did it all again the next day. As he got older, I ran around to different events he was involved with, after school activities, etc.; quick dinners and short showers are how we existed. 

When Mother's Day rolled around, I never thought that the holiday was about me, after all, like I said, I never thought of what I was doing as mothering, but surviving, adapting to the ever changing, and often fatiguing days. If I got through another day of fighting to do homework or sitting at the table until his plate was clean it was a win.  EVERYDAY that we got through without killing each other WAS A WIN.  Sounds familiar, huh?!?

It wasn't until this year,  his 18th year that I felt like, HOLY SH*T, THIS MOM STUFF IS FOR THE BIRDS. Yes! I said it.  Some days this how we (moms) feel.  Shitty of me to write it for the world to read, oh well. If you haven't felt that way you're a better person than I.

This year I lived it.  He was causing sleepless nights, not like when he was little, these sleepless nights were not due to feeding schedules, bad dreams or cleaning up vomit (one might call that mothering), but my sleepless nights were now spent thinking: is he going to get in to school?  If he does, where is the money going to come from?  Then it flipped to...he has to find a job?  When the HELL is he going to find a job?  Get off your ass and find a job, please, for the love of God?!?  OK...if I ask him to move out, where would he go?  Is he going to hate me?  Will it sever out relationship?

All those sleepless nights made for VERY TERRIBLE days.  My whole demeanor had changed.  I needed to be a MOTHER and this is the hardest mothering months I had to face in 18 years.  Mainly because most of these things that kept me up at night were out of my hands.  I could only do so much and leave the rest to God.  

I sleep now.  I see my son on a pretty regular basis, my heart is not heavy and my thoughts are more clear, more positive.  This person whom the sun rises and sets on for me; this kid who I love to the moon and back is now surviving by himself (for the most part).

Could motherhood be seeing your better self making decisions, good or bad, surviving in today's world?  I guess we should add that to the VERY LONG definition of the word treasured by so many.

So what? I'm crazy.

Yeah, I am crazy for posting less-then-positive things in my blog, so what?!?  Not today...

As I scroll through today's Facebook posts I am reminded how truly blessed I am to have very happy friend. I agree, most people only post happy things on social media. Today, I am thankful that I have so many people who know that they are blessed and share that with the world.

My son is grown, so I very much miss the Easter egg dying and family traditions that hold true when children fill a household.  I, on the other-hand, and completely reveling in my friends happiness.
Of course, they all go through their struggles. Some huge, some small, all making them stronger people as they handle each individual struggle with grace and their heads held high and still basking in the happiness that is their family and friends.

I swear my friends have the most precious kids with the most angelic faces.  They publicly cherish EVERY moment spent with them by posting pictures and stories. How could anyone reading and browsing not appreciate the love that they are displaying?

Please heed my advise; soak in EVERY second.  Keep posting and enjoying the good and bad. The ups and downs. They are lessons being learned by you & your children alike.

My loved ones are happy and even I am truly blessed to be surrounded by the contagious happiness that they are exuding.  Some of my closest friends are dating the loves of their lives, some buying new cars, others are being blessed with new babies or engagements, other are showering in the contentment that they already share with their families...either way, like I said I believe 2013 is going to be glorious year. I can see this through them, my friends and family who mean so very much to me.  Keep proving me right, I love every second of this!

Hello wall...how you doin'?

This is going to be a much harder year then I thought.  Right now my head is spinning.

Today, I had an appointment with my son's school guidance counselor.  It was a good meeting, putting a lot of my anxiety to rest; that is until I just just got done speaking to...er, I mean arguing with, Bryan.  An argument which at the end had me in tears.  Parents, as awesome as your kids turn out, they will ALL still be teenagers at some point and well, as prepared as you think you are, nothing can prepare you for how mean they can be.

We are only in the 5th week of school, what could possibly be the issue?  College.  I feel like I am talking to a wall, kicking a dead horse perhaps.  Anyway you look at it, I am getting no where fast.  You would think that he'd be amped to get out and on his own.  I am willing to help him do whatever it takes for him to get into the schools he wants to apply to.  He is dragging his feet.  The fights are wearing me down.

Tonight, I broke.  I called my ex-husband in tears, woke him up, got him worried.  I had to let him know where I was in a matter of speaking.  I had to tell him so we didn't get played against each other; he is my partner in raising this person who insists on being my nemesis this week.  I CANNOT do this by myself, I never pretended any differently.  My sanity is on the brink of doom; it's time to bring in the big dog...his father.

Dan has a completely different relationship with Bryan then I do; he's a father and a pal.  They play video games, wrestle are complete @sses to each other, but there is respect.  There has always been respect.  I never wanted it any other way.  Bryan respects me as well, just in a different way which is fine in most circumstances, but when I have to pull out the dad card, believe me I do.

Dan and I are almost always on the same page when it comes to our son; if we aren't at first we discuss until we get there.  There is none of this "well, Dad said..." business; we have agreed to always be or at least try our best to be a united front.  Yes, we are divorced, but have the same goal in raising our son to be a successful young man, who can go into the world and make something of himself.  We want him to have better then we had (& be the least effed up as possible).

Right now, I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I know it is there, but it is only October.  My heart breaks at the thought of him leaving me to venture off to college in August, but right now I don't even want to see his precious face.  URGH!! 

Potential Early Dismissal...Seriously?!?

Can't sleep so you reap the benefits!

Yesterday afternoon I received an email with the subject line reading: "Potential Early Dismissal".  I knew what it was regarding before I even open it and just shook my head while I read the email.  The gist of the email was that since it was going to be so hot (high of 95 degrees), the district is thinking about making it a half day for students, because the students safety is at risk.

Then, I felt old.  I was saying to myself things like "When I was in school..." & "I remember...".  Granted, I never had to walk to school in a blizzard up hill both ways, but there was a time when we were in school and it was HOT and we dealt with it. 
I went to Catholic School for 12 years and we never had air conditioning.  I remember the teachers in grade school opening all of the windows, pulling down the shades, telling us to put our heads on our desk and 'think cool thoughts'.  Cool thoughts?  If I was anything like I am today I probably over-thought that phrase and was probably imagining what it would be like to meet Kirk Cameron (what?  back then that would've been a REALLY cool thought!).  Cool thoughts?  Hmmm...today it would be Jayson Werth, but anyway, I doubt I was thinking igloos and freeze pops.  My point is those brief periods of mini-meditations of sorts, got us through to the end of the day & the bus ride home.  OH!  The boys, those poor boys had to wear slacks (& in high school those slacks were wool) until the very last day.  Jeez-O-Man.

What has changed in the youth of today?  Are they made of wax?  I understand that a handful of kids may have issues with the heat, but most healthy kids, in my opinion can deal with the season changes as they come.

Since the district sent this memo out to all parents, you know that this will come into fruition; they have already planted the seed...

Just think, it is only June!

On Demand Generation

I had my son more than 10 years before most of my friends started having children.  One decade, just one decade is all it took to see a massive difference in parenting.  When my son was a toddler we did not have access to the technology of today.  A phone that is a computer too; that was something from “The Jetsons”, but alas they are here & beneficial to many including myself.

My son watched TV as a toddler; it was not something that I kept from him.  I believe most of the shows on channels such as PBS & Nick Jr., etc. are educational in moderation, but if a show my son wanted to watch wasn’t on when he wanted, he would have to wait; maybe even until the next day.  Today, with the invention of “On Demand” children are able to watch what they want, when they want.  Never having to wait for Arthur to come on or waiting to see Elmo.  They are now at your fingertips.  You may be asking yourselves, what’s wrong with that?  I, on the other hand, am seeing this spill over in to other aspects of these children’s lives & development. 

Waiting to be seated at a restaurant for example; I would pack a diaper bag with the essentials, including a book, a toy, maybe some crayons & a coloring book.  Now, it is so easy to hand a child a Smartphone with an “app” downloaded to keep their child occupied, keeping parental interaction at a minimal. 

Soothing children every time they cry with whatever it takes, be it in the middle of the night by taking them into your own bed or giving them what they were pleading for though undeserving.  I cannot wrap my head around the thought of this having a positive impact on the child or the marriage. Crying is not going to hurt your child.

My son would have tantrums, he was indeed a normal toddler and yes it was hell for me, his dad & my family which we lived with at the time, but we all survived. 

It will be interesting as these children grow up, to see the directions that they head.  Maybe I am wrong and it will all turn out O.K.; however, I have my doubts.  I will always believe in teaching your child patience and having parental interaction.