It's That Time of Year Again.

My mind & body are enduring what can best be described as a hostile take-over.  Don't worry gents, this isn't a post about women things, it's a post about S.A.D., an abbreviation for Seasonal Affective Disorder, and it is real.  Every year, it is VERY REAL.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (or S.A.D.) is a type of depression that in most people who suffer from S.A.D. arrives in the Fall, and in most instances doesn't leave until the Spring.  S.A.D hit me like a ton of bricks on Sunday.  I have been feeling great lately.  People ask me how I was doing and it is a wonderful feeling to say "Good!" & mean it.  This year I didn't even see this wretched creature coming, but I know these feeling all to well to deny what they are.

I woke up on Sunday morning and immediately wanted to go back to sleep, but my neighbors are way too loud and were jamming out to some type of Grupera.  I am almost thankful for this because I probably would've slept all day otherwise; however, I didn't actually get out of bed until 1 p.m. ( I am seriously mortified writing this tid-bit, btw). It was now time to join society and be amongst the living.  So, I tried to be active, but I couldn't.  I wanted to bring out my Christmas decorations, but I couldn't.  I just couldn't.  I couldn't get myself to turn off Game of Thrones (which I have seen a few times...who wants to see that smoky demon thing coming out of the red chicks vag again anyway?). I couldn't get it together; that is until I heard Hoobastank's "The Reason" coming through the floorboards and then Adele.  Are you kidding me?  Why not just put a pillow over my face with that music selection?

I quickly got in my car and drove.

At this point I know exactly what I have to do to keep from slipping too far into a place that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, part of the reason I got my 2nd job is to keep my mind busy throughout these dreadful months.  As an anxious person who suffers from depression, the mind is a terrible place to be stuck.  Irrationality taking over can often ruin relationships, start fights with the most beloved people in ones life and add to existing anxiety.  Keeping busy is key.  PUSH YOURSELF!

Meditation is another way to try to get out of ones head.  Of course, meditation (dhyana) in it's most organic meaning is fabulous for the mind, body & spirit if you can do that.  Many can't.  Meditation takes practice, don't give up. I like to run and consider it a form of meditation.  Running connects me with my breath and takes me out of my head.  For some it may be a group exercise class, yoga or even free weights, but whatever it is find it and PUSH YOURSELF!


Surround yourself with people, not just any people, but people who make you feel good.  People who you know will cheer you up.  Socializing is so important, although very hard to do when you're feeling your most wretched & vulnerable, but so key.  If your honest with the people closest to you about what's going on they tend to understand and are much more patient when you have those little episodes of irrationality, mood swings, or woe-is-me moments.  I've learned that if these people who claim to care about you are anything other than supportive then they weren't a good friends anyway.  Judgement is not something you need when you are feeling the lowest of the low.

Four months out of every year is a struggle, but every year I battle and survive.  I SURVIVE!

Series of Unfortunate Events

With out question, it has been a rough few months.  I know, I know, the winter was crappy for everyone who lives in the Northeastern United States,  the weather was treacherous.  We barely went a week without a snow or ice storm, praying the electricity wouldn't go out this time.  Pot holes are plenty as well as the flat tires that come along with the trenches on the roads that have gone for months without being addressed.  

Unfortunately, I am writing about more then the weather.  I was laid off from my full-time job in October of last year.  I worked for a title company that was "bought out", leaving almost everyone jobless.  "Don't worry", I said.  "At least I have my 2nd job", I  said.  I can  just pick up more hours at job #2, it won't be that bad...until I found out the truth about just how ridiculous the government is.  

I applied for unemployment compensation the day I was laid off, normal stuff for the unemployed.  I eventually heard back through snail mail and when I opened the envelope I realized that my 2nd job was pretty much useless, at least for the next little while.  The letter stated that I was only allowed to make just a little over $100 (before taxes) per week at job #2 while collecting unemployment??  WHAT???  How was I going to live?  How is this allowed?  I worked at least 15-20 hours at my 2nd job and those hours were cut DRAMATICALLY!!  I needed to work.  I wanted to work.  Every little bit of hope that I was trying to see was getting snuffed out by some suit & tie who actually has a job.  "Don't worry", I said.  

I was diligently searching for a job each and every day.  I would set my alarm, just as I would if I was going to work.  Hours in front of my computer sending resume after resume.  No one was hiring.  OK, well that is not entirely truth.  I did find many jobs that I was just not qualified for.  For instance, the Cocoa Bean Coordinator position; when people you tell you that you need a college degree to get a good job, LISTEN.  I didn't qualify for this lucrative job for that reason alone.  I couldn't even apply if I wanted to.

Must have a 4 year degree.

Then, there were those job descriptions that were so backwards and antiquated, that I wouldn't work for a company so belittling.  This is in fact 2014, not 1950.  

Poor English & sexism; not for me.

Everyday, I was going through so many job boards and listing, I thought I was going crazy, cross-eyed, or just plain delirious when I saw this next post.  Again, I wasn't confident in applying until my best friend and got together and I realized just how qualified I (or we) was(/were), hell, I wonder if the job is still available?!?  Tina, I'll fight you for it.

It's a bit easier to joke around about it now, but through out the last 6 months I definitely had some very low points.  I had received a call to start a 2 week temporary job (with potential for a permanent position) just a few miles away from me in the next town.  Sure!  I was in and they loved me (of course they did!!) and decided to keep me, until I reported to my first day as a full-time employee.  Don don don...I was told that over the weekend on a conference call that they had decided not to keep me on.  HELLO???  Why wouldn't you call me?  I was crushed.  My whole demeanor changed.  

I handled getting a speeding/erratic driving ticket (erratic because I was avoiding a pot hole) and having a car accident within a month of each other, putting my dog down, and now getting let go from a job I was filling paperwork out for 2 days prior.  I was done for a bit.  I was tired at this point.  Although I knew that none of these things that happened to me were terrible or life-threatening, I knew that many people had it worse than I did, and that this pity-party was indeed a party of one, I mentally shut off.  

I prayed a million times a day.  I had others praying, I was trying everything that I could do to stay positive (at least in public), I cried a lot (in private).  Everyone knew I wasn't myself.  I had been quiet, secretly trying to keep it all together when I was on the brink of falling apart every second of every day.

The next few weeks were almost unbelievable.  I think that if I didn't post to Facebook as things happened people wouldn't believe me; the string of unfortunate events has been sad.  Again, no one's health was or has been at risk and I do believe that I am blessed, but the hole in my ceiling and stream of water pouring on to my bed was just another reason why my appointment with the psychiatrist was imperative.  I rent my apartment so my landlord was quick to patch up the roof; however, the ceiling is still awaiting their inspection.  (I'll be reminding them soon, I don't really want a bat in The Attic again if I can avoid it.)  

I also got a flat tire while driving home from dropping my son off, I was able to make it to Pep Boys on the flat (no rim damage - thank goodness!) and I was only with out a car overnight; reason being, my tire is an unusual size.  Still under this gray cloud, I plowed on.   "Don't worry." I told myself.  Words and support from family (especially Pop) & friends have meant everything to me.  Encouraging words don't cost a penny, but when people remind you of the good things, your finer qualities; that it is never our plan, that it's His plan, you get lifted & it matters.

My car is back to me & that very night I received a message from an old friend; she was moving on from her job and her company was looking for a replacement and was I interested?  UMMM...HELL YEA.  I was interviewed and offered the job on the spot & I could suddenly see the light.  

Although I owe many people money and favors (get your mind out of the gutter, I meant baby-sitting, etc.), I know that this time of being unemployed has been a time of reflection, which I used to realize that I will never again take having full-time employment for granted.  I will never take the supportive people in my life for granted and I will pay-it-forward every opportunity that I have.  

I am now ready to work on putting the pieces back together, getting  my life back on track, and soldiering-on just like I was meant to.  

P.S.  Today when I picked my son up from his job, he said, "how was work?".  Those words never felt so good!

Life is Too Short to be Stubborn

Wow, this month is really proving to be a tough one for me, the icing on the cake for 2013.

I have been very open about all of the things that I have been going through this year.  It took me a bit, but it was a definite rocky road that I have traveled, and the saga that continued.  It is what it is and I made it through another year.  Stronger & of course, smarter.

My relationship with my son is good, I have been able to spend more time with Pop, so I am looking at the positive aspects.  

BUT...

Next week it will be 2 years since the sudden death of my mom and for some reason this year is even harder than last year.  

I have almost forgiven myself for the status of our relationship when she passed away.  It was a ridiculous reason for why we weren't speaking; I am stubborn and was trying to prove a point.

Point is, life is to short to be stubborn.

I have been working on forgiving myself and just a couple of days ago I saw a Facebook status from Pope Francis and immediately knew that it was time to put my guilt behind me:

"You can't spend your life in the graveyard of guilt dealing with the corpses of the past.  Know when things are dead, know when to release them and bury them.  If you continue to work with the dry bones of dead issues, you too will begin to decay.  No amount of work will resuscitate a corpse. Sign the death certificate"

It is happenstance that this quote is actually about death and the subject which with I have been dealing, but the words rings so true in so many circumstances and relationships.  I believe that this is a sign that I need to move on and remember the woman she was, the relationship and closeness we had all throughout our lives, not just the last few months.  She is not coming back, she knows how I feel and I hope she knows how much it has eaten at me and my remorse for wasting those last precious months.

Moving on has brought tons of tears everyday so far this month.  My mom brought so much to Christmas; she had so much joy in every aspect: decorating the house, the tree, shopping for gifts and the satisfaction that she received knowing that she got just the right gift for just the right person.  She loved every Christmas special and every carol that was sung.

She is missed.  She is loved & finally I am letting myself mourn her instead of dealing with the guilt that I have been holding on to.

Anxiety

I am still struggling through a weird year.  I know that it could be so much worse, but what I am feeling is real and I am going to share it with you: 

I have been off the radar for a bit recently, especially on places that I usually will "status update" like it is second nature, but a few months ago I had a paralyzing feeling, not physically paralyzing, but mentally and psychologically paralyzing.  I have been dealing with ANXIETY.

Sounds simple, right?  I know that many of you can relate and I am not the only one walking around with this psychological burden.  At times I have felt crazy and unsettled.  I have been forgetting things, normal things like working the ice machine when getting fountain soda at a restaurant or not knowing where I am on my way home from the gym that I go to at least once a week.  Some of these instances have been super scary and overwhelming, but mostly I wake up anxious and go all day feeling like I am having a never ending panic attack, which in itself is exhausting.  If I am having a stressful day (cause we all have stressful days) to a normal person, I am feeling like I am going crazy.  I often think that someone is going to see right through me trying to be "normal" and commit me to the looney bin immediately. 

I am having a hard time liking the person I am lately because this anxiety has given me a short fuse;   making even the littlest things that people do annoying.  Sounds weird, but I don't like being around people.  Yes, ME!  On a good day I love people, I love being in the midst of everything and everybody.  I love making people laugh and hanging out.  Not lately.  I make excuses not to; I have turned in a shitty friend.

In the beginning of the summer I went to my primary care physician, I didn't want to increase the medication that I am already on (come one, most of you are too), because I've done that before and I can't walk around in a fog, that is only masking things and I need to be myself, so when the doctor admitted that there wasn't anything more that he could do for me he suggested that I make an appointment for a psychiatrist.  I had a lot of research to do, reviews to read and questions to ask.  When I called my top picks a make an appointment they said that they weren't taking new patients.  THAT WASN'T MAKING ME ANXIOUS AT ALL.  Finally, I found someone who would see me, but I had to see a therapist first to be evaluated before I could make an appointment for a psychiatrist; this was turning into a  project, imagine if I had a mental issue on a grander scale, this system was seemingly f*cked-uped, but I made the appointment.  The therapist was Ken, he was nice at first, but ended up being a dick.  It turns out that Ken was very presumptuous and condescending (but that's a whole other blog).

My appointment for my psychiatrist is this week and I feel like a kid waiting for Santa.  I have been waiting almost 3 months to "get fixed", to start to feel like myself, impromptu singing in my office and having 30 second dance parties at random. Do I know where this stemmed from or what caused it?  Not really, not yet.  My serotonin levels are off and it may just be a matter of my meds being changed up, but only time will tell that.

I already have another appointment with a therapist, don't worry, it's not Ken.  I feel like this whole summer has pasted by and I have been an anxious mess, but I am determined to use this as a learning experience and hopefully whoever reads this will understand why I have been M.I.A. 

I hope that others who are experiencing the same thing won't feel alone.  Everyone needs help, no one can live this life alone.  Just ask for it.

Certainly...A Rocky Start

I cannot believe that it is the middle of March and that this is my first post of the new year, but I am excited to get back in the saddle.
How did my year start off? Why the rocky start? Well, how do I put this? I hate negativity.  Recently, a friend said to me that "only crazy people put negative personal stuff on the internet", I am about to show you how crazy I can be, I am writing about life and let's face it, it's not all peaches and cream.  Please be prepared for an honest and real post.

I found out that being a mom of a teenage boy (or teenagers in general, I suspect) is A LOT. A LOT of rejection, A LOT of anxiety, A LOT of fear, A LOT of frustration & the list goes on and on.  All of a sudden EVERYTHING changes. 

As most of you know, Bryan started his college career this past September, while he was there he proved Bloomsburg's reputation of being a party school to be completely accurate and during his stay had a couple of bumps with the law; because of this, he lost financial aid for the following semester and he had to make the decision to withdraw and end his time at Bloomsburg University. 

I was besides myself. I now loved my privacy, enjoyed my freedom and here comes my only son, my pride & joy, putting an end to everything that I had learned to relish.  However, this was not my only concern. I wasn't receiving child support anymore, Bryan had turned 18 and payments ended a month before his birthday in September. I couldn't afford for Bryan to live with me without a job and a way to contribute.

I had made a list of rules that Bryan would have to abide by if he was going to live with me. I would have loved if he would've gone to community college, but he decided to put college on pause. I was heart-broken. I also required Bryan to get a job, not a surprise, obviously he wasn't a student, this had to be a no-brainer.  I gave him a month to find a job or he'd have to move out.

The  hardest thing I had to do was ask him to leave. He had gotten in more trouble and as much as I love him, I couldn't support this or the way he was choosing to live. I miss him, its been 2 months, but I tell him all time that I love him. When he drops by to visit it lifts my heart to levels I didn't know existed because he is visiting by choice, not because he lives here.

That was a rocky start to 2013...but everything was out of my control, so I "gave it to God" and I refused to let what was going on with my son get me down. I still believe 2013 is new, with lots of fun, blessed & probably more trying times ahead. (but we'll give them to God too.)

I have started planning The Miles for Myeloma 5k walk/run , you remember my team, The Bee's Knees?  It's that time of year again and fundraising is my middle name.  My goal of $4000 is staying the same even though I don't have Bryan's funding raising graduation project to bring in the big bucks, so I applied for a grant through my 2nd job and found out last week that we, The Bee's Knees have been awarded $2500.  I feel continuously blessed working with the Philadelphia Multiple Myeloma Networking Group and The Miles for Myeloma 5k.  We are helping so many patients and families find hope.

In my very last post of 2012, I wrote about my unwanted guest, the mouse in my house. This past weekend, I finally was able to say good riddance to him. Here's hoping his friends & family are sealed off and their long stay is over. 

So, as you can see, things are already starting to look up and become brighter. 

There but for the grace of God, I go.

Forward motion

"experience the bittersweet
to taste defeat, then brush your teeth...
cause i struggle with forward motion
i struggle with forward motion
we all struggle with forward motion
cause forward motion is harder than it sounds
well every time i gain some ground
i gotta turn myself around again..."

~Relient K

One month ago today I was making plans to go to The Craft Beer Fest in Philadelphia, ensuring that  my friend got the email & still had plans on going (although it was months away), we had such a blast last year!  The same friend had written on my Facebook wall that day to let me know the very important news of Britney Spears (truth be told I have a girl crush on her and will defend her like we were related).  Britney got engaged again and she couldn't wait to tell me.  I didn't have to work the second job that night, so I was able to catch up with a couple of friends.  It was a normal, boring Monday in every sense of the word.  I went to work that morning, I even blogged that night.

One month ago I called my Mom.  She asked me if we were coming to Christmas at their house; then told me she wasn't feeling well and was actually on her way to bed when I had called.  I told her that Bryan and I would be there and she said that she would talk to me before then, she told me to give Bryan a hug for her, I replied "feel better, good night!" and we hung up...

The next day, I received a phone call a little after noon, the phone read "Mammie cell" (she's been in my phone like that for years because that is what Bryan called her when he was little; he couldn't pronounce Lammie, which is what we actually called her).  I thought 'why is she calling me?  She knows I'm at work', I was SO annoyed...so I put the ringer on silent and went to the ladies room on my way to lunch, after-all Christmas was coming and I need to get stuff done.  I checked my voice mail before heading out to run my errands and listened to an incoherent rambling from my father.  He was distraught, but I couldn't make out what it was that he was trying to convey (listening to it again, it was quite clear, I guess I had chosen not to comprehend it at that moment).  I called him immediately; what he said clear, hysterical, but clear as day, "Mom died.  She's dead."  I asked a bunch of questions.  What happened?  Where are you?  All he answered was "I'm at home."  I told him that I'd be there as soon as possible.  I hung up.   My life was changed forever.

It was over a week until we buried her; within that week, Christmas came & went.  I kept my promise to my Mom, Bryan & I went over to my Dad's house for Christmas.  We had dinner and exchanged presents, because that is what she would've wanted (she had done all her shopping), but most importantly that is what Pop wanted.  He wanted us all there.  He NEEDED us all there.

Recovery is pretty painful.  I have promised myself to keep moving in a forward motion, little steps are getting me through.  Pop needs us, his family, to help him in his fight to beat cancer.  Regaining strength...forward motion...baby steps.

One month makes a world of difference.  It can be the difference between a preemie and a full-term birth; it can be just enough time between crawling and walking...maybe that is why people refer to this healing as 'baby steps'?!?  I call it 'forward motion' and I will keep moving forward, as painful as it is some days.

Plans are being made, life is going on...there is still a Craft Beer Fest in Philly that Lammie would want me to go to!!  

"when i see what i should
when i see that it's good (that it's good)"

~Relient K