It's That Time of Year Again.

My mind & body are enduring what can best be described as a hostile take-over.  Don't worry gents, this isn't a post about women things, it's a post about S.A.D., an abbreviation for Seasonal Affective Disorder, and it is real.  Every year, it is VERY REAL.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (or S.A.D.) is a type of depression that in most people who suffer from S.A.D. arrives in the Fall, and in most instances doesn't leave until the Spring.  S.A.D hit me like a ton of bricks on Sunday.  I have been feeling great lately.  People ask me how I was doing and it is a wonderful feeling to say "Good!" & mean it.  This year I didn't even see this wretched creature coming, but I know these feeling all to well to deny what they are.

I woke up on Sunday morning and immediately wanted to go back to sleep, but my neighbors are way too loud and were jamming out to some type of Grupera.  I am almost thankful for this because I probably would've slept all day otherwise; however, I didn't actually get out of bed until 1 p.m. ( I am seriously mortified writing this tid-bit, btw). It was now time to join society and be amongst the living.  So, I tried to be active, but I couldn't.  I wanted to bring out my Christmas decorations, but I couldn't.  I just couldn't.  I couldn't get myself to turn off Game of Thrones (which I have seen a few times...who wants to see that smoky demon thing coming out of the red chicks vag again anyway?). I couldn't get it together; that is until I heard Hoobastank's "The Reason" coming through the floorboards and then Adele.  Are you kidding me?  Why not just put a pillow over my face with that music selection?

I quickly got in my car and drove.

At this point I know exactly what I have to do to keep from slipping too far into a place that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, part of the reason I got my 2nd job is to keep my mind busy throughout these dreadful months.  As an anxious person who suffers from depression, the mind is a terrible place to be stuck.  Irrationality taking over can often ruin relationships, start fights with the most beloved people in ones life and add to existing anxiety.  Keeping busy is key.  PUSH YOURSELF!

Meditation is another way to try to get out of ones head.  Of course, meditation (dhyana) in it's most organic meaning is fabulous for the mind, body & spirit if you can do that.  Many can't.  Meditation takes practice, don't give up. I like to run and consider it a form of meditation.  Running connects me with my breath and takes me out of my head.  For some it may be a group exercise class, yoga or even free weights, but whatever it is find it and PUSH YOURSELF!


Surround yourself with people, not just any people, but people who make you feel good.  People who you know will cheer you up.  Socializing is so important, although very hard to do when you're feeling your most wretched & vulnerable, but so key.  If your honest with the people closest to you about what's going on they tend to understand and are much more patient when you have those little episodes of irrationality, mood swings, or woe-is-me moments.  I've learned that if these people who claim to care about you are anything other than supportive then they weren't a good friends anyway.  Judgement is not something you need when you are feeling the lowest of the low.

Four months out of every year is a struggle, but every year I battle and survive.  I SURVIVE!

Underdogs or Heroes?

I originally wrote this on May 1st, the next day I was told some disheartening news about Kevin.  The night after the event of this post took place Kevin was robbed by a group of area kids.  The end result was not good.  There seemed to be a bit of a scuffle, Kevin is 5'1"-5'2" and he was by himself; he ended up pulling out a knife and well, let's put it this way, no one is dead, but Kevin is in county jail where he will remain until bare minimum his arraignment at the end of the month.  

I believe in every word that wrote about Kev, I know that he has the potential to be a great human being.  

"I am a big fan of the misunderstood, the vilified, 

the underdog, the breaking of myths." - Dominic Monaghan

Over the weekend one of my son's friends contacted me.  He asked me if I had time to help him with a resume.  My first thought was that it has taken me a long time to find a job, are you sure that you want my help?!?  Of course I was willing to lend a hand.

A little background about this particular friend, Kevin, he was never a huge hit with the other parental units among Bryan's crowd.  He is quiet when he doesn't know you, which may make him come across as shady and untrustworthy.  He is always wearing headphones tuning out society and loathes authority.  He is generally bearded and wears gauges in his ears.  He seemed to mix with the wrong people and trouble repeatedly found him.

I try not to judge people, especially teenagers and young people, mainly because they are in this stage for such a short time, trying to find where they fit in.  Some make really bad decisions, but Kevin was always respectful of me and my home and I have a soft spot for the underdog.  After all, someone has to help these boys become the men they are meant to be.

One day, this young man decided he didn't like having to alter his brain every day to feel something or nothing, (I suppose is a better way to put it). Kevin was taking a huge step; he wanted to change, wanted a chance, so he took it.  He is just about to finish his first semester in college, so when I heard he needed help with a resume I was so excited.

He came over on Monday night, as planned, with a ginormous back pack on his back filled with school books and a laptop computer; while I booted up my laptop he gathered the resume information.  As I looked over the information I asked Kevin, who Ralph was, (it was all Ralph’s information in front of me).  "A guy I met on the corner.” he said.  Well, my neck spun around so fast, I am surprised I didn't have whiplash.  WHAT?  Seriously, was this a joke?  I went from proud to heartbroken within a matter of seconds.

It turns out I did not need to be heartbroken, but heart-filled.  Ralph is not a dealer (& I am ashamed now to have even thought that), but a young homeless man who was distributing a newspaper written and distributed by homeless people.  Kevin had been donating to help out Ralph when they started to delve a little deeper in conversation.  Ralph was looking for a job and Kevin offered to help.

Ralph's information was extensive; this was an educated young man.  His resume proved that he was educated and could hold a job.  He was descriptive and had a plethora of skill sets.  Why was this young man handing out papers?  I'll never know, but if I can be a small part in helping Ralph get back on his feet the way so many have helped me, please let me.

I am so proud of my son's friend.  Kevin doesn't get applauded for much or ask for it, lately he has been flying under the radar, doing school work and generally trying to lay-low; however, I could not let this go unnoticed.  I am proud and thankful that he came to me to help and I am also honored to say that I think of Kevin as another son.  I hope and pray that Bryan and all of his friends create an amazing path for each of their lives.  It would be outstanding if they all chose to help others while their doing it.

Series of Unfortunate Events

With out question, it has been a rough few months.  I know, I know, the winter was crappy for everyone who lives in the Northeastern United States,  the weather was treacherous.  We barely went a week without a snow or ice storm, praying the electricity wouldn't go out this time.  Pot holes are plenty as well as the flat tires that come along with the trenches on the roads that have gone for months without being addressed.  

Unfortunately, I am writing about more then the weather.  I was laid off from my full-time job in October of last year.  I worked for a title company that was "bought out", leaving almost everyone jobless.  "Don't worry", I said.  "At least I have my 2nd job", I  said.  I can  just pick up more hours at job #2, it won't be that bad...until I found out the truth about just how ridiculous the government is.  

I applied for unemployment compensation the day I was laid off, normal stuff for the unemployed.  I eventually heard back through snail mail and when I opened the envelope I realized that my 2nd job was pretty much useless, at least for the next little while.  The letter stated that I was only allowed to make just a little over $100 (before taxes) per week at job #2 while collecting unemployment??  WHAT???  How was I going to live?  How is this allowed?  I worked at least 15-20 hours at my 2nd job and those hours were cut DRAMATICALLY!!  I needed to work.  I wanted to work.  Every little bit of hope that I was trying to see was getting snuffed out by some suit & tie who actually has a job.  "Don't worry", I said.  

I was diligently searching for a job each and every day.  I would set my alarm, just as I would if I was going to work.  Hours in front of my computer sending resume after resume.  No one was hiring.  OK, well that is not entirely truth.  I did find many jobs that I was just not qualified for.  For instance, the Cocoa Bean Coordinator position; when people you tell you that you need a college degree to get a good job, LISTEN.  I didn't qualify for this lucrative job for that reason alone.  I couldn't even apply if I wanted to.

Must have a 4 year degree.

Then, there were those job descriptions that were so backwards and antiquated, that I wouldn't work for a company so belittling.  This is in fact 2014, not 1950.  

Poor English & sexism; not for me.

Everyday, I was going through so many job boards and listing, I thought I was going crazy, cross-eyed, or just plain delirious when I saw this next post.  Again, I wasn't confident in applying until my best friend and got together and I realized just how qualified I (or we) was(/were), hell, I wonder if the job is still available?!?  Tina, I'll fight you for it.

It's a bit easier to joke around about it now, but through out the last 6 months I definitely had some very low points.  I had received a call to start a 2 week temporary job (with potential for a permanent position) just a few miles away from me in the next town.  Sure!  I was in and they loved me (of course they did!!) and decided to keep me, until I reported to my first day as a full-time employee.  Don don don...I was told that over the weekend on a conference call that they had decided not to keep me on.  HELLO???  Why wouldn't you call me?  I was crushed.  My whole demeanor changed.  

I handled getting a speeding/erratic driving ticket (erratic because I was avoiding a pot hole) and having a car accident within a month of each other, putting my dog down, and now getting let go from a job I was filling paperwork out for 2 days prior.  I was done for a bit.  I was tired at this point.  Although I knew that none of these things that happened to me were terrible or life-threatening, I knew that many people had it worse than I did, and that this pity-party was indeed a party of one, I mentally shut off.  

I prayed a million times a day.  I had others praying, I was trying everything that I could do to stay positive (at least in public), I cried a lot (in private).  Everyone knew I wasn't myself.  I had been quiet, secretly trying to keep it all together when I was on the brink of falling apart every second of every day.

The next few weeks were almost unbelievable.  I think that if I didn't post to Facebook as things happened people wouldn't believe me; the string of unfortunate events has been sad.  Again, no one's health was or has been at risk and I do believe that I am blessed, but the hole in my ceiling and stream of water pouring on to my bed was just another reason why my appointment with the psychiatrist was imperative.  I rent my apartment so my landlord was quick to patch up the roof; however, the ceiling is still awaiting their inspection.  (I'll be reminding them soon, I don't really want a bat in The Attic again if I can avoid it.)  

I also got a flat tire while driving home from dropping my son off, I was able to make it to Pep Boys on the flat (no rim damage - thank goodness!) and I was only with out a car overnight; reason being, my tire is an unusual size.  Still under this gray cloud, I plowed on.   "Don't worry." I told myself.  Words and support from family (especially Pop) & friends have meant everything to me.  Encouraging words don't cost a penny, but when people remind you of the good things, your finer qualities; that it is never our plan, that it's His plan, you get lifted & it matters.

My car is back to me & that very night I received a message from an old friend; she was moving on from her job and her company was looking for a replacement and was I interested?  UMMM...HELL YEA.  I was interviewed and offered the job on the spot & I could suddenly see the light.  

Although I owe many people money and favors (get your mind out of the gutter, I meant baby-sitting, etc.), I know that this time of being unemployed has been a time of reflection, which I used to realize that I will never again take having full-time employment for granted.  I will never take the supportive people in my life for granted and I will pay-it-forward every opportunity that I have.  

I am now ready to work on putting the pieces back together, getting  my life back on track, and soldiering-on just like I was meant to.  

P.S.  Today when I picked my son up from his job, he said, "how was work?".  Those words never felt so good!

Leo, my puppychops.

“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.” 

― Will Rogers

Leonardo DiCaprio Puppychow Heek Boyer (Leo), our dog, had been in our family for 14 years.  

When I was married my ex-husband he was never very interested in having a dog, not that he doesn't like dogs, he just thought that we weren't ready for it and it wouldn't give us the freedom to just get up and go.

It was the day after my husband had told me that he didn't want to be married any longer, that he just was never in love with me, that Kelly, my then neighbor, along with Bryan who was 5 years old and her son Mitchell who was 3 and a half, took a trip to the mall.  Kelly wanted to get me out of the house, to focus on anything other then reality, being February there wasn't too much to choose from, so window shopping it was.  Since, the 2 boys were with us they naturally gravitated  towards the Kay Bee Toy store. I had been in another world, pacing toward the front of the store, just numb from my world getting turned upside-down, when a young girl came in holding puppies, her name was Asia.  She said that the puppies were up for adoption.  Her grandmother's dog had given birth to a litter a few weeks ago and they couldn't afford to care for them for much longer.  I took her number, went to my mom for advice & took the night to think about it. It didn't take too much convincing or thought to decide that a puppy was exactly what Bryan & I needed.  After all, Bryan was at a great age to start learning responsibility and I couldn't really see a downside.  I phoned Asia and met her the next day, she had one male left and we were blessed with our first dog.  Leo was only 7 weeks old so I had to spoon feed him baby cereal and take him to get his shots.  The veterinarian gave us a clean bill of health and so began our journey. 

I had never had a dog before much less a puppy and I had literally no idea what I was doing.  It was a bit if a rough start for us, I had NO IDEA the work that goes into having a new born pup.  I quickly caught on (like any puppy-mother does) and figured out that all they really want is love.  Leo became Bryan's best friend instantly.  Leo was very willing to be wrestled with, tackled, chased and used as a pillow.  He was always so happy when visitors came over, because they were obviously there to see him. (DUH!  Why else would people be over?!?)  He was an attention hog and jealous as all get out.  He was always in everyone's business and ready to give you every toy or half chewed up bone that he had upon your arrival.  

KISSES ALL OF THE TIME!!  The kisses that once annoyed me I will miss the most.  He was so loving and loved to give kisses, to the point where I had to correct him when he went to town on certain people (others could fend for themselves! that, or it was just funny to watch...).  Look at me.  Look at me.  I will give you kisses anywhere until you acknowledge me; arm pits, jeans...just pet me you fool.

Leo kissing my niece, Hadley.  Hadley saying "NO MORE!"

Leo was so full of energy.  I actually had to warn people about his high energy.  He wouldn't think twice about corning someone and demanding to be pet.  He really was quite hospitable (on his conditions) OH!  Let's not forget that ALL food was up for grabs, along with tobacco of any kind, it didn't necessarily have to be legal, alcohol, Chapstick, lipstick, prescription medication, or really anything that might be in your purse or jacket draped over a chair, but it wasn't his fault that we didn't know his rules.  Learning his rules had led to many ridiculous, memorable and some embarrassing stories.  I am so thankful for all of them.  We enjoyed this craziness and by craziness, I mean CRAZINESS!!! up until last year when it came to a screeching halt.  Leo had slowed down immensely.

One of Bryan's friends who was over recently said, he went really hard for 13 years and now he's just so tired; another nicknamed him "The Lone Majestic Wolf".  They all loved him as much as we did.

Unfortunately, this weekend I had to make a decision that no one ever wants to make.  I had to decide that it would be more humane to euthanize our family pet then see him suffer everyday.  UGH!!!  The day had come and I had to put my big girl pants and put what was best for this precious animal who I loved like family, first.  Breaking the news to Bryan was heart-wrenching.

Leo was a part of us and it is going to be hard, but I know he had a good life.  He stole our hearts and became the perfect fit for our tiny family and has been through so much with us.  Bryan and I didn't have an easy start, but once I committed to Leo, I was all in.  We may not have been rich, but that's the thing with dogs or any pet, they don't care about any of that, rich or poor, fat or thin, it is all irrelevant; what they want is completely free.

Leo, you will be missed more than I ever thought possible. You are forever in our hearts. R.I.P. my friend. 

Leo Boyer, (January 3, 2000 - February 12, 2014)

“Such short little lives our pets have to spend with us, and they spend most of it waiting for us to come home each day. 

It is amazing how much love and laughter they bring into our lives and even how much closer we become with each other because of them.” 

― John Grogan, Marley and Me: Life and Love With the World's Worst Dog

Twenty Years.

Confession:  I originally wrote this 2 weeks ago, I haven't pressed publish until today because I was scared.  I was scared that it was too personal, what would people think?  Then I was reminded today, at my part-time job, of today's date, February 8th.  It's a day that I will never ever forget.  It's a day that changed my life forever and since when do I give an eff what people think?

As I was sitting in the waiting room of my gynecologist's office this morning I realized that it has been 20 years that I have been going there.  This February will be 20 years since I found out that I was pregnant; 20 years, but I remember just like it was yesterday.

The winter of 1993-1994 was endless.  I was working at Little Caesar's Pizza inside of the Warminster K-mart, I rang the new year in with my new-ish boyfriend, Dan, at a New Years party (Dan wasn't much of a partier at the time.  Me?  I was always a partier), it was going to be a fantastic new year, I had just started a new semester at Bucks County Community College; everything was perfect and normal for this 18 year old.

It was so cold, ice storms, snow storms and blizzards made the weather just miserable .  I remember being able to go sledding down the William Tennet High School's hill what seemed like every other day.  I was still a kid, doing kid things and loving every minute of it.

[This is where it gets personal...continue on, but don't say that you weren't warned!]

Then, I had mentioned to Dan that I hadn't gotten my period in a while, but I wasn't "regular" so I had not been freaking out.  (COMPLETE DENIAL.)  He was freaking out though!  We went to a random pharmacy in the area that week and picked up a test.  It wasn't long before we found out the results.  I was sobbing, and unfortunately they weren't the "happy tears" many of my friends experience today; so many thoughts were going through my head, but I was grasping at straws and still not convinced.  Maybe the UTI that I had had faltered the test, (COMPLETE DENIAL.) so I made an appointment with my primary physician where they took blood work.

I received a phone call from the doctor within the next couple of days, which I was lucky to intercept.  Keep in mind that I lived with my parents and siblings, there weren't cell phones, so it was imperative that I be the one to answer this call.  The nurse simply stated that the pregnancy test came back positive and that I should make an appointment with an obstetrician, then she said something about my "bun in the oven" and I didn't hear a word after that.  F&@K!!  All of a sudden I was a adult, making adult decisions.

I had to figure out how to tell everyone and by "everyone", I mean my parents.  I am still here to talk about it, so obviously I survived, but it was THE MOST TERRIFYING experience of my life.  They wanted answers that I couldn't provide.  How are you going to do this?  How is/that going to happen?  Is he going to stay with you?  Screaming ensued.  I was a scared little girl, who was already 8 weeks pregnant with her new-ish boyfriend's child.  I was 18 years old and Dan was 17 years old.  It was the rest of our lives we were planning, there were way more questions then answers and I barely had any answers.

My parents calmed down and when Bryan was born they loved him more than words could express.  It turns out that my new-ish boyfriend stuck around and became a great father; as a teenage mom I had no idea what I was doing, I felt like "mom's" should know more than I did and thought how was I going to teach a kid when I was still learning?

I found out that if you ask for help people will help you.  God has placed some very significant people in my life and on my path.  I am so grateful for EVERYTHING, no matter how great or small.  Everything matters when you're in need.  God saw that I needed great friends and delivered.  It really does take a village.

This September Bryan will be 20 years old and I have been blessed enough to raise this outspoken, opinionated, honest, and one of the most loyal guys that I have ever met.  He is ridiculously confident and funny, and he's easy to talk to.  He's had his share of shenanigans, but he wouldn't be our child if he didn't.

20 years ago, I had a decision to make, I thank God everyday that I made the right one.