Series of Unfortunate Events

With out question, it has been a rough few months.  I know, I know, the winter was crappy for everyone who lives in the Northeastern United States,  the weather was treacherous.  We barely went a week without a snow or ice storm, praying the electricity wouldn't go out this time.  Pot holes are plenty as well as the flat tires that come along with the trenches on the roads that have gone for months without being addressed.  

Unfortunately, I am writing about more then the weather.  I was laid off from my full-time job in October of last year.  I worked for a title company that was "bought out", leaving almost everyone jobless.  "Don't worry", I said.  "At least I have my 2nd job", I  said.  I can  just pick up more hours at job #2, it won't be that bad...until I found out the truth about just how ridiculous the government is.  

I applied for unemployment compensation the day I was laid off, normal stuff for the unemployed.  I eventually heard back through snail mail and when I opened the envelope I realized that my 2nd job was pretty much useless, at least for the next little while.  The letter stated that I was only allowed to make just a little over $100 (before taxes) per week at job #2 while collecting unemployment??  WHAT???  How was I going to live?  How is this allowed?  I worked at least 15-20 hours at my 2nd job and those hours were cut DRAMATICALLY!!  I needed to work.  I wanted to work.  Every little bit of hope that I was trying to see was getting snuffed out by some suit & tie who actually has a job.  "Don't worry", I said.  

I was diligently searching for a job each and every day.  I would set my alarm, just as I would if I was going to work.  Hours in front of my computer sending resume after resume.  No one was hiring.  OK, well that is not entirely truth.  I did find many jobs that I was just not qualified for.  For instance, the Cocoa Bean Coordinator position; when people you tell you that you need a college degree to get a good job, LISTEN.  I didn't qualify for this lucrative job for that reason alone.  I couldn't even apply if I wanted to.

Must have a 4 year degree.

Then, there were those job descriptions that were so backwards and antiquated, that I wouldn't work for a company so belittling.  This is in fact 2014, not 1950.  

Poor English & sexism; not for me.

Everyday, I was going through so many job boards and listing, I thought I was going crazy, cross-eyed, or just plain delirious when I saw this next post.  Again, I wasn't confident in applying until my best friend and got together and I realized just how qualified I (or we) was(/were), hell, I wonder if the job is still available?!?  Tina, I'll fight you for it.

It's a bit easier to joke around about it now, but through out the last 6 months I definitely had some very low points.  I had received a call to start a 2 week temporary job (with potential for a permanent position) just a few miles away from me in the next town.  Sure!  I was in and they loved me (of course they did!!) and decided to keep me, until I reported to my first day as a full-time employee.  Don don don...I was told that over the weekend on a conference call that they had decided not to keep me on.  HELLO???  Why wouldn't you call me?  I was crushed.  My whole demeanor changed.  

I handled getting a speeding/erratic driving ticket (erratic because I was avoiding a pot hole) and having a car accident within a month of each other, putting my dog down, and now getting let go from a job I was filling paperwork out for 2 days prior.  I was done for a bit.  I was tired at this point.  Although I knew that none of these things that happened to me were terrible or life-threatening, I knew that many people had it worse than I did, and that this pity-party was indeed a party of one, I mentally shut off.  

I prayed a million times a day.  I had others praying, I was trying everything that I could do to stay positive (at least in public), I cried a lot (in private).  Everyone knew I wasn't myself.  I had been quiet, secretly trying to keep it all together when I was on the brink of falling apart every second of every day.

The next few weeks were almost unbelievable.  I think that if I didn't post to Facebook as things happened people wouldn't believe me; the string of unfortunate events has been sad.  Again, no one's health was or has been at risk and I do believe that I am blessed, but the hole in my ceiling and stream of water pouring on to my bed was just another reason why my appointment with the psychiatrist was imperative.  I rent my apartment so my landlord was quick to patch up the roof; however, the ceiling is still awaiting their inspection.  (I'll be reminding them soon, I don't really want a bat in The Attic again if I can avoid it.)  

I also got a flat tire while driving home from dropping my son off, I was able to make it to Pep Boys on the flat (no rim damage - thank goodness!) and I was only with out a car overnight; reason being, my tire is an unusual size.  Still under this gray cloud, I plowed on.   "Don't worry." I told myself.  Words and support from family (especially Pop) & friends have meant everything to me.  Encouraging words don't cost a penny, but when people remind you of the good things, your finer qualities; that it is never our plan, that it's His plan, you get lifted & it matters.

My car is back to me & that very night I received a message from an old friend; she was moving on from her job and her company was looking for a replacement and was I interested?  UMMM...HELL YEA.  I was interviewed and offered the job on the spot & I could suddenly see the light.  

Although I owe many people money and favors (get your mind out of the gutter, I meant baby-sitting, etc.), I know that this time of being unemployed has been a time of reflection, which I used to realize that I will never again take having full-time employment for granted.  I will never take the supportive people in my life for granted and I will pay-it-forward every opportunity that I have.  

I am now ready to work on putting the pieces back together, getting  my life back on track, and soldiering-on just like I was meant to.  

P.S.  Today when I picked my son up from his job, he said, "how was work?".  Those words never felt so good!

2013, SEE YA!!

2013 WAS A RUTHLESS BITCH; from the beginning to the end.  Some years are like that, life lessons, growing stronger...yes, I get it.  Well, I am over it!  Turning lemons in to lemonade, I know every positive thought there is, trust me.

Maybe it is odd numbered years that I struggle with?  I am a bit OCD.

I am looking forward to 2014.  Realistically, I know just because you hang up a brand new calendar it doesn't necessarily mean things will change.  I will make them change.  I will take the shit that was handed to me in 2013 and turn it into sugar.  I have a faithful God who is looking over me and is giving me opportunities.  He has blessed me so much thus far, I can hardly lose faith now, not when I need it the most.

I have enjoyed some of it, I won't lie.  It started off a bit rocky for Bryan and I, if you recall.  I love this person more than I could ever imagine, unconditionally; this year taught me that.  I don't know if people actually realize this until something threatens their relationship with their child; illness, circumstance, what-have-you.  Of course, I have always loved Bryan unconditionally even before he was born, but when there is a real chance that you may lose that relationship "that love" changes into some unexplainable love.  It was such a struggle for me to let him grow; it sounds so natural, him leaving home and becoming more independent; it's not.  At least not for this Momma Bear.  It was losing control, worry and anxiety.  Letting him go was the hardest thing that EVER had to do in my life. (I surrendered to therapy and started feeling much better, by the way.) He doesn't agree, but I think he has grown as person.  I hope 2014 brings him wisdom and he sees the opportunities life hands him and takes advantage of them.

Also, I have seen so many people that I love having an amazing 2013 and as I said before, seeing my friends and their families flourish makes me happy; their gorgeous children, other halves and friends having geniune fabulous times.  I appreciate their happiness, it has become a realization that life is too short to not appreciate the little things.  Cherish every detail, every memory and keep posting because I know that my happiness is right around the corner and in-the-mean-time, I'll cherish yours.

So, see ya 2013...Here's to a FABULOUS 2014!  Making memories, living life, laughing, loving & cherishing EVERY SINGLE MOMENT.

When God Closes a Door, He Opens a Window

I cannot believe that I have only written 9 blogs this year.  Pathetic.  I have had so much to say.

A few months ago I had been dealing with my anxiety, my very horrible anxiety that lasted throughout the whole entire summer.  Alas, I surrendered and got the help that I needed to get myself in check and start to feel like myself again.

Now as most of you know for the last two plus years I have had 2 jobs.  I like to keep myself busy and more importantly out of my head.  At the end of this past September, things changed suddenly at my full-time job.  I came back from lunch and I found out that one of our biggest clients was closing its doors; over the next few weeks there were meetings upon meetings and lots of ideas being tossed in the air to try to keep the doors of the office, which seemed like home to me, open.  Unfortunately, my bosses had to make some very difficult decisions.  They had no choice but to lay myself and most of my co-workers off.

This has been especially hard because this is a job that I liked a lot.  I left for a couple of years, but was offered my job back, so without hesitation I found my way home.  This particular job has had many highs and lows.  I have met so many amazing people who have been an incredible help to Bryan and I throughout my 11 years knowing them.  I have cried when life got hard and they cried with me and laughter GALORE!!  We yelled at each other and made up.  They embraced me and held my hands, never leaving my side when I got the news that my mother died suddenly.  I was meant to be around people who loved me.

There are the people who I was in contact with daily.  The other people who filled my days with laughter.  My favorites who were now out of work as well.  I miss their voices.  We worked like a well-oiled machine together.  I was glad to have them in my life.

October rolls around and I am job hunting.  My full-time job has become finding a full-time job.  It is exhausting.  I am explaining to people my current situation and they are uber-positive that I will be employed in no time.  "When God closes a door, He opens a window" they say.  I have been hearing this phrase in a variety of different way for weeks now; all true, but I need to find this window.

I do believe life gives one opportunities and one can either waste them or cultivate them.  I can't sit at home and waste my brain on day-time TV, so with this opportunity that God presented me with I think I will be going back to school.  A four-year college is in my immediate future and I am scared.  It has been 15 years since I took my last class at community college and EVERYTHING has changed.  EVERYTHING!!

I am a notorious commitment-phobe in every aspect of my being.  It is the scariest thing ever for me, so committing myself to a four-year college is huge, but this is a subject for a different blog.

Don't worry I will still be job searching; I have an interview suit ready for when I am able to land one and I am excited to get back to work.  I had to peek out this open window and see what this other path offered...apparently life has other plans for me.

Have you ever wondered?

Since my anxiety has been so terrible lately, I have stopped taking my group exercise classes that I love so much at my local YMCA.  DON'T FRET, I know that exercise is a key to curing my over-whelming anxiety, so I have been focusing more on running, which is like mediation for me and can connect to my breathing in such a way that it calms me.

As most people know, when one exercises at the gym they often listen to music. Everyone is walking around with their MP3 doing their thing.  This brings me to my question, have you ever wondered what other gym-goers are listening to?  My iPod is quite the eclectic collection; I know, most people say that, but it is the truth.  There is so much going on on my iPod I don't really know where to start.

I know that when I am at the gym I like it hard & fast, my music that is.  The faster the tempo, the more focus I have; with that in mind, I also like dance music/hip hop.  Fast moving music is what I need to get moving.  OBVIOUSLY!!

I did a little bit of research on the topic and here are my results:

Quite a few of my friends listen to same kind of music I do (birds of a feather...), whether it be rock, metal or punk; fast beats seem to be popular and they also like their hip hop.
Another popular thing to listen to is Pandora radio.  I love that idea!  I am going to have to try that route.  

I also found out that no one listens to pod casts, & some don't listen to music at all, they prefer the quiet (not sure what gym they go to, but mine is hardly quiet).  Some people at my gym even plug their head phones into the TV an just listen to that.

Music therapy has become more popular then ever, it is helping people get through work-outs each and everyday, but it also can be soothing after a break up, or death or bring you to a place you haven't been for years.  My iPod may be eclectic, but most of the songs come with a memory or story, so if you see me smiling while I am at the gym, I may be thinking of that time when that happened & this song was on...

Tell me what you love to listen to at the gym or while you work out!!

Anxiety

I am still struggling through a weird year.  I know that it could be so much worse, but what I am feeling is real and I am going to share it with you: 

I have been off the radar for a bit recently, especially on places that I usually will "status update" like it is second nature, but a few months ago I had a paralyzing feeling, not physically paralyzing, but mentally and psychologically paralyzing.  I have been dealing with ANXIETY.

Sounds simple, right?  I know that many of you can relate and I am not the only one walking around with this psychological burden.  At times I have felt crazy and unsettled.  I have been forgetting things, normal things like working the ice machine when getting fountain soda at a restaurant or not knowing where I am on my way home from the gym that I go to at least once a week.  Some of these instances have been super scary and overwhelming, but mostly I wake up anxious and go all day feeling like I am having a never ending panic attack, which in itself is exhausting.  If I am having a stressful day (cause we all have stressful days) to a normal person, I am feeling like I am going crazy.  I often think that someone is going to see right through me trying to be "normal" and commit me to the looney bin immediately. 

I am having a hard time liking the person I am lately because this anxiety has given me a short fuse;   making even the littlest things that people do annoying.  Sounds weird, but I don't like being around people.  Yes, ME!  On a good day I love people, I love being in the midst of everything and everybody.  I love making people laugh and hanging out.  Not lately.  I make excuses not to; I have turned in a shitty friend.

In the beginning of the summer I went to my primary care physician, I didn't want to increase the medication that I am already on (come one, most of you are too), because I've done that before and I can't walk around in a fog, that is only masking things and I need to be myself, so when the doctor admitted that there wasn't anything more that he could do for me he suggested that I make an appointment for a psychiatrist.  I had a lot of research to do, reviews to read and questions to ask.  When I called my top picks a make an appointment they said that they weren't taking new patients.  THAT WASN'T MAKING ME ANXIOUS AT ALL.  Finally, I found someone who would see me, but I had to see a therapist first to be evaluated before I could make an appointment for a psychiatrist; this was turning into a  project, imagine if I had a mental issue on a grander scale, this system was seemingly f*cked-uped, but I made the appointment.  The therapist was Ken, he was nice at first, but ended up being a dick.  It turns out that Ken was very presumptuous and condescending (but that's a whole other blog).

My appointment for my psychiatrist is this week and I feel like a kid waiting for Santa.  I have been waiting almost 3 months to "get fixed", to start to feel like myself, impromptu singing in my office and having 30 second dance parties at random. Do I know where this stemmed from or what caused it?  Not really, not yet.  My serotonin levels are off and it may just be a matter of my meds being changed up, but only time will tell that.

I already have another appointment with a therapist, don't worry, it's not Ken.  I feel like this whole summer has pasted by and I have been an anxious mess, but I am determined to use this as a learning experience and hopefully whoever reads this will understand why I have been M.I.A. 

I hope that others who are experiencing the same thing won't feel alone.  Everyone needs help, no one can live this life alone.  Just ask for it.

Certainly...A Rocky Start

I cannot believe that it is the middle of March and that this is my first post of the new year, but I am excited to get back in the saddle.
How did my year start off? Why the rocky start? Well, how do I put this? I hate negativity.  Recently, a friend said to me that "only crazy people put negative personal stuff on the internet", I am about to show you how crazy I can be, I am writing about life and let's face it, it's not all peaches and cream.  Please be prepared for an honest and real post.

I found out that being a mom of a teenage boy (or teenagers in general, I suspect) is A LOT. A LOT of rejection, A LOT of anxiety, A LOT of fear, A LOT of frustration & the list goes on and on.  All of a sudden EVERYTHING changes. 

As most of you know, Bryan started his college career this past September, while he was there he proved Bloomsburg's reputation of being a party school to be completely accurate and during his stay had a couple of bumps with the law; because of this, he lost financial aid for the following semester and he had to make the decision to withdraw and end his time at Bloomsburg University. 

I was besides myself. I now loved my privacy, enjoyed my freedom and here comes my only son, my pride & joy, putting an end to everything that I had learned to relish.  However, this was not my only concern. I wasn't receiving child support anymore, Bryan had turned 18 and payments ended a month before his birthday in September. I couldn't afford for Bryan to live with me without a job and a way to contribute.

I had made a list of rules that Bryan would have to abide by if he was going to live with me. I would have loved if he would've gone to community college, but he decided to put college on pause. I was heart-broken. I also required Bryan to get a job, not a surprise, obviously he wasn't a student, this had to be a no-brainer.  I gave him a month to find a job or he'd have to move out.

The  hardest thing I had to do was ask him to leave. He had gotten in more trouble and as much as I love him, I couldn't support this or the way he was choosing to live. I miss him, its been 2 months, but I tell him all time that I love him. When he drops by to visit it lifts my heart to levels I didn't know existed because he is visiting by choice, not because he lives here.

That was a rocky start to 2013...but everything was out of my control, so I "gave it to God" and I refused to let what was going on with my son get me down. I still believe 2013 is new, with lots of fun, blessed & probably more trying times ahead. (but we'll give them to God too.)

I have started planning The Miles for Myeloma 5k walk/run , you remember my team, The Bee's Knees?  It's that time of year again and fundraising is my middle name.  My goal of $4000 is staying the same even though I don't have Bryan's funding raising graduation project to bring in the big bucks, so I applied for a grant through my 2nd job and found out last week that we, The Bee's Knees have been awarded $2500.  I feel continuously blessed working with the Philadelphia Multiple Myeloma Networking Group and The Miles for Myeloma 5k.  We are helping so many patients and families find hope.

In my very last post of 2012, I wrote about my unwanted guest, the mouse in my house. This past weekend, I finally was able to say good riddance to him. Here's hoping his friends & family are sealed off and their long stay is over. 

So, as you can see, things are already starting to look up and become brighter. 

There but for the grace of God, I go.

Ready or Not. Transitions.

It sometimes seems like I have all the words and then lately it seems like I don't have any...or maybe just not the right ones.

Everything is moving so quickly. 

It's like you threw your cap up on graduation day and are now trying frantically to find it.  Misplaced, but rummaging through the same things.  You could pick up any old cap and call it your own, but you're determined to find YOURS.  The PANIC.  The CHAOS.  Was is worth it?

Your answer:  ABSOLUTELY!  You can't imagine it any other way.

I believe it was worth every second.  It's been 18 years since I found out my life was going to change, everyday I was misplaced, trying to find my way, rummaging to find the answers.  STILL rummaging to find the answers.  Every age comes with a different challenge, the older they become the more intense the conflicts, the harder it is.  IT IS AGONIZING. 

It is lately that I am dealing with this acutely opinionated young man, accelerating towards adulthood.  EXHAUSTING.

Next week he will be graduating from high school; in a couple of months he will be starting his freshman year in college.  BITTERSWEET.  We clicked on the submit button to accept financial aid, then to accept loans and with each click the nausea kicks in.  My son is entering adulthood, BUT is not yet 18 years old.  SCARY.

What is even scarier is that I will have to learn how to live by myself.  In all of my adult life I have never lived by myself or for myself.  It is going to be a HUGE adaption; like learning to operate after losing a body part (I can only imagine).  I am hardly looking forward to this transition.  CONFUSION.

We, truth be told, have been fighting A LOT.  Do we need to live apart sooner then later?  YES, if only to save a life; his and/or mine.  BITTERSWEET.  After all, every breath that I have taken, every decision that  have made has been for the love of my only child.  HEART-BREAKING.

TRANSITIONS are a part of life, a GOOD PART of life.  THRIVING.

Voilà, lemonade is served.

There are so many reason's why I write this blog; the biggest reason would probably be my sanity.  Getting all the thoughts and feeling in my head out in a public forum?  Yea, it is totally not something that I am always comfortable with.  One might say it is a little outside my box.  I do it because it keeps me honest with myself and brings me back to my basic beliefs and values which I think most people struggle with on a daily basis.  I am here to admit that I struggle and I am on a journey to be the person that I want to be.


Lately, a friendship was ended because this person claimed that they needed more positivity in their life.  More positivity?  Well, good luck with that because my cup is 99.9% full. (Yes, I have my days, but seriously I am a ray of sunshine!)  Life has given me lemons-a-plenty, and voilà, lemonade is served.

I get stressed.  Who doesn't?  Recently, I have been super-stressed and told the world.  Did me voicing my craziness to the world help me?  Maybe, maybe not, but hopefully it made someone feel like they're not alone in feeling like a hot mess on what seems to be any given day.

I am learning that life doesn't get ANY easier when kids grow up.  I have spent many hours waiting for the next step.  The easier days, the days when I wouldn't have to pay for daycare anymore because he was old enough for before-and-after school care (& it was so much cheaper - I couldn't wait to hand over that last check to day care.)  Then, I was counting the days until Bryan could come home on his own. (He was a latch-key kid; terrible mommy, I know.) I was nervous when he reached that age, but he was always so responsible.  He got his first cell phone and since then he has 'checked in' with me everyday.  He used to call the office, tell me about his day & let me know what homework he had, now I get a text message that merely says "checking in".  I guess it is being human to want the next thing, but the next thing is starting to freak me out!!!  
Bryan is looking for a car and applying to colleges.  My child will soon be taking the next step.  STRESS; where there is stress there are short fuses and bickering; leading to more stress.  There is no easy days when you're a parent, but I can sit in the recliner and look at my son and say, "Wow, I did that."  SURREAL & SCARY!!  Until someone comes up to you and says what a good kid he is, then scary turns into PRIDE.

My whole life I have been playing dodge ball with lemons, I have learned to juggle and squeeze these bitter little bastards, and I know that I am no where near done.  I do know for sure that the people that I have surrounded myself with and the love and support of my friends, Bryan & I can do anything.  We are one tribe and we carry each other to and through the next steps, good or bad.

Hello wall...how you doin'?

This is going to be a much harder year then I thought.  Right now my head is spinning.

Today, I had an appointment with my son's school guidance counselor.  It was a good meeting, putting a lot of my anxiety to rest; that is until I just just got done speaking to...er, I mean arguing with, Bryan.  An argument which at the end had me in tears.  Parents, as awesome as your kids turn out, they will ALL still be teenagers at some point and well, as prepared as you think you are, nothing can prepare you for how mean they can be.

We are only in the 5th week of school, what could possibly be the issue?  College.  I feel like I am talking to a wall, kicking a dead horse perhaps.  Anyway you look at it, I am getting no where fast.  You would think that he'd be amped to get out and on his own.  I am willing to help him do whatever it takes for him to get into the schools he wants to apply to.  He is dragging his feet.  The fights are wearing me down.

Tonight, I broke.  I called my ex-husband in tears, woke him up, got him worried.  I had to let him know where I was in a matter of speaking.  I had to tell him so we didn't get played against each other; he is my partner in raising this person who insists on being my nemesis this week.  I CANNOT do this by myself, I never pretended any differently.  My sanity is on the brink of doom; it's time to bring in the big dog...his father.

Dan has a completely different relationship with Bryan then I do; he's a father and a pal.  They play video games, wrestle are complete @sses to each other, but there is respect.  There has always been respect.  I never wanted it any other way.  Bryan respects me as well, just in a different way which is fine in most circumstances, but when I have to pull out the dad card, believe me I do.

Dan and I are almost always on the same page when it comes to our son; if we aren't at first we discuss until we get there.  There is none of this "well, Dad said..." business; we have agreed to always be or at least try our best to be a united front.  Yes, we are divorced, but have the same goal in raising our son to be a successful young man, who can go into the world and make something of himself.  We want him to have better then we had (& be the least effed up as possible).

Right now, I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I know it is there, but it is only October.  My heart breaks at the thought of him leaving me to venture off to college in August, but right now I don't even want to see his precious face.  URGH!!