Being
a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and
dealing with fears you didn't know existed. ~Linda Wooten
I know that this is weird to say, but this year is the first year that I have finally felt like a mom. Weird, yes I realize, considering I've been called that name for years now.
I have always been very close with my son; having him at such a young age, you can't expect otherwise. When Bryan was young I was the only one of my friends with a child. I had no clue what mothering was supposed to feel like, I didn't discuss feeling or emotion of motherhood on social networks (they hadn't been created yet), I knew I had to do the best for him by using common sense; putting him first and keep him alive seemed logical.
I looked at it as survival I suppose. I worked A LOT and went to college (although it was briefly, I still went). I came home and spent time with Bryan & did it all again the next day. As he got older, I ran around to different events he was involved with, after school activities, etc.; quick dinners and short showers are how we existed.
When Mother's Day rolled around, I never thought that the holiday was about me, after all, like I said, I never thought of what I was doing as mothering, but surviving, adapting to the ever changing, and often fatiguing days. If I got through another day of fighting to do homework or sitting at the table until his plate was clean it was a win. EVERYDAY that we got through without killing each other WAS A WIN. Sounds familiar, huh?!?
It wasn't until this year, his 18th year that I felt like, HOLY SH*T, THIS MOM STUFF IS FOR THE BIRDS. Yes! I said it. Some days this how we (moms) feel. Shitty of me to write it for the world to read, oh well. If you haven't felt that way you're a better person than I.
This year I lived it. He was causing sleepless nights, not like when he was little, these sleepless nights were not due to feeding schedules, bad dreams or cleaning up vomit (one might call that mothering), but my sleepless nights were now spent thinking: is he going to get in to school? If he does, where is the money going to come from? Then it flipped to...he has to find a job? When the HELL is he going to find a job? Get off your ass and find a job, please, for the love of God?!? OK...if I ask him to move out, where would he go? Is he going to hate me? Will it sever out relationship?
All those sleepless nights made for VERY TERRIBLE days. My whole demeanor had changed. I needed to be a MOTHER and this is the hardest mothering months I had to face in 18 years. Mainly because most of these things that kept me up at night were out of my hands. I could only do so much and leave the rest to God.
I sleep now. I see my son on a pretty regular basis, my heart is not heavy and my thoughts are more clear, more positive. This person whom the sun rises and sets on for me; this kid who I love to the moon and back is now surviving by himself (for the most part).
Could motherhood be seeing your better self making decisions, good or bad, surviving in today's world? I guess we should add that to the VERY LONG definition of the word treasured by so many.
