It's the Holday Season, with the Whoop-de-do...

Today I was in a bit of a nasty mood & needed to snap out of it.  Christmas is right around the corner and my spirits need to be lifted.  I refuse to be a cranky pants during what I consider the best holiday of the year!

This evening I had off from my 2nd job, so I took advantage of my time off, not by running (which is what I intended on doing - it was 68 degrees today!!), but by decorating for Christmas.  My apartment is small, but my tree is pretty ornate; I have been described as having "tree savvy".  I, for one, do not take that description lightly and must live up to it every year!  I have photographed my tree a million times but it never looks as fabulous as it does in person.  My tree is on a rotating tree stand for Pete's sake and that is only the beginning.

While I started my tree decorating, (it cannot be completed in just one day) I listened to classic Christmas tunes and sang my heart out.  I needed this dose of holiday spirit, boy, did I need it!!  'The Attic' (my apartment) is starting to look pretty festive and I am well on my way to wrapping my arms around this season and giving it a great big welcome back hug.

I have so many warm memories of this time of year; my Pop building the perfect fire in the fireplace,  "Sarah, come in here and look at this fire.", I can almost hear the wood crackling.  My great Aunt Mae would spend a week with us every year, she only lived in Northern New Jersey, so we saw her often, that didn't matter, my sister and I would count the days until she arrived.  She was a 4'10" Irish fire-ball, party-girl, Manhattan-drinking storyteller; she was Christmas! 

Let's not forget the 8mm camera with the bright, blinding light that Pop used to video tape us with.  The torture we felt as we woke up the house and hearing "Just five more minutes!!" from my mom & dad.  How could they do that to us?!?  Not realizing then that they had probably just gone to bed.

As crazy as the holidays get, as cranky as I am with my plate over-flowing per usual (spreading myself too thin is a big problem for me these days), I need to remind myself of the good days and that they are happening right now.  We are creating memories everyday for everyone in our lives.

I tend to kill myself making people happy; I have to remember that happiness starts within and is contagious, from hear on in I will be singing Christmas carols and being merry!!

Oh Andy Williams, how I love you this time of year!

Happy Holidays?!?

Holidays are supposed to be filled with joy, song & warmth of spirit; goodwill of men.  Youngsters have a pure soul, it is so easy for  the young to innately become the spirit of the holidays.

Thanksgiving has passed.  It is so easy for me to be thankful everyday.  In fact, I have written  throughout this year how thankful I am for friends and the things that I have been blessed with.  I work hard and have an undying loyalty to the people who love and respect me.  Yet, as the holidays grow closer, I have a knot of anxiety.

When people ask how my Thanksgiving was, it is getting harder and harder to hide that my holidays are not fun at all.  As soon as Thanksgiving was over, one of my first thoughts was, 'Ugh.  I have to see them again in 4 weeks".  Yes, I am speaking of my family.  Somewhere, somehow, we have fallen apart and I seem to be the only one who is willing to recognize and vocalize it.  I am as close to my Pop as I have always been.  He is  my heart.  We are the same person; just recently I told him how I felt, how they were making me feel, how they have made me felt for the last decade or so.  He says they love me; I say actions speak louder then words.

They don't abuse me, at least not physically, so I do know that many people have it a lot worse.  My family ignores me.  In fact, I saw one of them in the store a couple of weeks ago; as I stood there waving and saying "Hi", they continued to walk right by me in silence.  One foot away, looked at me directly and I received nothing but a blank look.  Now, I am supposed to forget that happened and dine with these people & make merry through the holidays.  I have a forgiving heart, but I don't forget.  I especially don't forget that because I expected a salutation in return to mine, I was reminded that "the world doesn't revolve around me".  Yes!  Somehow it got twisted into being my fault.

Christmas is less then 4 weeks away, I used to love Christmas.  I still do, because making others happy fills my heart, but it is quite different now that Bryan is older.  I am trying to look for the magic of the holiday, I don't want to lose it.  I have so many fabulous memories of Christmas, that I can't stand the thought of them bringing me down this year.

Life is a blessing and truthfully, I don't know how many Christmases my Pop will be here to hold my hand and tell me that he loves me and is proud of me.  Everyday that I have him here make things a little better.  He and Bryan are the reason that I will make nice this December 25th.  I will pray, as I do every year, that next year will be different. 

Until then, I will stay true to myself and know in my heart that I am not whatever it is they think of me.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me!

Some people need to be given chances, may be even more then one or two.  Sometimes you need to give respect to be respected.

I am learning this through my son and his friends. 

My son is 17 years  old, most of his friends are almost a year older then him; they are turning into adults (legally anyway).  There may be a couple of friends who have a hard time making what one would consider responsible decisions; or even at the bare minimum an alright choice.  Didn't we all struggle with this in high school and as young adults?  So many things were way more important then what really mattered.

It is SO HARD watching these kids, most of whom I consider family, make reckless decisions.  It is SO HARD to keep my mouth shut (why start now, right?), so I don't.  When I see my kids hurting, I hurt.  The bottom line is someone needs to tell them that, so I did.  They listen.  It's a joke to think that anything I said will change anyone or any circumstance over night; it's not always about words, it's about action and carrying out those words.

I love and respect these people like they are just that, people.  These kids might be on the verge of throwing in the proverbial towel at times, but I have let them know that they always have a place to come to.  I let them know that I will help them as much as I can, but don't call me from jail, I can't afford to bail anyone out!

This evening, one of the crew came up and he said: "This house is so chill...I can just sit, relax and watch jeopardy..."  To me that was a pretty big compliment.

All of these young adults are awesome human beings; all have amazing qualities and tons of talent.  I just wish more adults saw that when they look their way.  These people are just trying to get through high school; they will become something and enjoy their adulthood.  It is our jobs as adults to help that happen.

On the fence, over the fence...who put this fence here?

I came very close to ending my blog; in fact I am still on the fence about opening my soul to every person I know and then some (I get nervous butterflies every time I press 'Publish').  The last blog that I wrote prompted someone to write something that I considered derogatory and disgusting as a comment.  I was so taken back by this.  I am well aware that a lot of people have access to what I write, but this person is someone who knows me (acknowledging my second employer by name, something that I didn't divulge in the post).  My heart broke.  This blog is so far from my comfort zone, that I kept it private for months before I shared it with the world.  I thought that the people that I surround myself with were true friends, the people that I write about, the people that I adore.  Clearly, this is unrequited adoration.

I have received messages from people who actually like what I write.  Maybe they can relate, maybe it makes people laugh, maybe they're bored; either way they are reading what I write and liking it.  I like writing; I write to vent, to clear my head, to keep myself honest.

I don't write a controversial blog, so I don't know why someone would purposely write something hurtful, but I don't think that I am ready to give it up.  Perhaps I need a thicker skin or to be more selective on who I choose to be my friends.

I am not going to regress on my progress and cower from one hater.  It's not who I am.  I have been through some pretty tough things in my fairly short life.  I'll be damn if I let a mean commenter get the better of me!  Just sayin'

You can't silence me that easily!