The Uninvited Stranger

A few weeks ago an uninvited stranger moved into my home.  Leo, my dog, & I saw him at the same time.  It caught us both off-guard.

This stranger that I speak of is of the furry variety, a field mouse has takes residence in "the attic" (that's what I call my home),  as I said this mouse is of course, unwanted, at least by me. Leo, however, has made friends with the vermin.  At first I went out and bought a trap that gets loaded with bait and it is supposed to trap the critter; seemed perfect.  I set it that night, the trap was empty in the morning, when I returned from work the trap was gone.  What the heck happened?  I searched all over only to find it in our bathroom?!?  The dog moved the trap; that's right, the dog moved the trap in hopes to save his new furry best friend.

It is now two against one & totally unfair, so I bought more traps.  The last thing that I want to do is see a gross mouse smushed to it death, but I can't handle a live mouth on a glue trap either.  Crap!! 

Why is this happening to me??  I picked up a fancy glue trap devise that said it traps the mouse on the glue and I wouldn't be able to see it once trapped.  This was just up my ally.  Only, the mouse ignored the traps.

I have finally moved on to the good ol' fashioned "snap" mouse trap.  I set it up with peanut butter, careful to keep it out of the way from Leo (if he tried moving these traps it would certainly be bad, painful business for him).  Again...FAIL.  What does a girl have to do to evict a rodent?  NUTELLA.

How could I have forgotten that along with everyone one who lives in this house, he must think he is fancy?  I switched up the peanut butter with Nutella and went to bed.  It was as I was reading when I heard the snap.  This is the moment that I had been waiting for & dreaded at the same time.  I stalled getting out of bed to see what exactly had happened.  I got a broom and bravely went to the trap, flipped it over and NOTHING!  NOTHING.  That little bastard had escaped my efforts once again.

I am not a murderer but I do want this rodent dead.  I won't get a cat, trust me everyone has suggested it. (I am terribly allergic!)  This mouse has worn out his welcome.

So the saga continues...One thing I do know is that unwanted visitors seem to love it at The Attic.

He hasn't forgotten about me.

When my son left for college in August I honestly didn't know how I would be able to live without seeing my only child, the love of my life, everyday.  It was one of the hardest days of my life dropping him off at Bloomsburg University.  I got through it, not without a bunch of tears, but I was able to get through it.

The tears?  I guess most mother's cry when their kids leave home for the first time.  I am not generally a crier, but it felt like someone ripped my heart out that day.  Not only because I knew I'd miss him, but because I felt like he would forget me.  Sounds crazy, I know. Sounds irrational, I get it; but I also know my son.  Has my prediction come true?  I have spoken to Bryan on the phone I think three times total since he has left, he texts me when he needs something, mostly funds or to tell me that he is coming home for the weekend.  The first weekend he came home I saw him for 20 minutes total, his bed wasn't even slept in. (Boy, did I voice my opinion about that!!)  The next & only other time that he came home I actually had a meal with him.  Progress! 

He hasn't forgotten about me.  I have come to realize this.  What HAS happened is that I have raised an independent young man; from the time he was 2 weeks old I have had to leave him to go to work or class.  He has learned from a very young age that I would always come for him & that he was never abandoned.  The first day of kindergarten he barely waved good-bye when he was getting on the bus.  He'd spend weekends with his father and I knew he was safe; now, I can only pray that the values, the ground work that I laid was enough.

Why would I think college would be any different? This time he was leaving me. 

How have I fared?  Actually, I am doing really well.  Working two jobs and going to the gym whenever I can certainly has helped to keep me busy. 

My house is clean.  Bryan comes as a package deal.  His friends are always with him, bare minimum 5 guys on a quiet night.  Now, as one knows young men are freaking gross (no offense guys)!!  My toilet paper cost alone has been cut in half.  My shower head is always adjusted to the right setting and I know when we run out of something because I was the last one to use it. 

I miss my baby boy more than anyone can imagine.  I am glad he will be coming home in just a couple of days for Thanksgiving break, but now I know that when he goes back I will be just fine,
he will be just fine and we will be together again at Christmas break.

Veteran's Day

I work with some amazing young women at my second job.  Today I am writing about one in particular. 

Today is Veteran's Day, a day to uplift  & honor ALL of those men & women who have served or are still serving.  Without all of these people who voluntarily give their lives to our country, our sons, brothers, fathers, friends would be called to war & deployment.  These fearless people put their lives on the line for American's everyday.


There is a 18 year girl that I work with who honors and thanks the armed forces for their bravery every single opportunity that she has.  She asked my opinion the first time she approached a soldier; "do you think I should thank him?", before I could say "yes", she was right there.  She has since made this a habit, a habit all of us civilians should practice. 

It is so nice when you can learn from the young, and I am so blessed to know outstanding people like this one.  It's refreshing to know that these kids are our future.  Some are truly inspiring.

God bless our Veterans everyday.

Just the Beginning. Milestone #1, check.

Tomorrow my son graduates from high-school; this is a HUGE milestone for him.  I am excited, he has had a pretty good school experience; learning comes easy to Bryan, so he never really struggled (unless homework or writing were involved, then there were issues.  He's in for a rude awaking in college!!), but usually keep pretty good grades.  He used to play soccer when he was in elementary school although he gave that up in high-school.  He wasn't a joiner through his stint in high-school, but he has tons of friends.  EVERYONE knows Bryan  This may be because he grew up in one school district and switched right before school started in September, 2008 to another, right when high-school was about to begin.

We had the opportunity to make a move into a duplex instead of the complex we had called home for 8 years.  This would save us hundreds of dollars a month and after discussing the move with his father (I always included Dan in anything that involved Bryan's well-being) and he was not only OK with the idea, he encouraged the decision, knowing that it would be a great move for us.  Bryan hated me for it.  I didn't blame him.  I hated me.  I wanted him to have the a place he was able to remember growing up in, a place he could call his "hometown"; I felt like I was taking that away from him.

As it turns out that, the big move 4 miles down the road wasn't SO horrible.  His friends from "the old neighborhood" graduated on Friday.  I still love all of them & am so proud to have had them in my son's life.  The kids that he calls friends from the school he is currently at are also family.  UNCONDITIONAL LOVE is what Bryan has for these people.  You can feel it when you're around them.  It is exuding from their pores.  If I have done nothing else, I have raised a son who is LOYAL.

Tomorrow, while Bryan is reveling in being a high-school graduate, I am feeling a tad bit empty.  My mother would have loved to have been at and see her only grandson graduating.  You couldn't mention Bryan's name without my mom's face beaming.  She was the MOST PROUD of him; needless to say I am missing her beyond belief this week.  I was hoping my dad was going to be able to come out to see him receive his diploma, it would have been my Mom & Dad's 46th anniversary, so I wanted him to be around family and what better way?!?  Pop will be at the hospital receiving his treatment by himself while we are at graduation.  Shitty, really shitty.  I know there is a reason why he was meant to be in the hospital, but it doesn't make me feel any less lonely.  I am, however banking on mom STILL being there, she wouldn't miss it.  She won't have to bitch about how hot it is while fanning herself with the program, but I'll be thinking of her while I am.

Good Luck to my son and ALL this friends.  This is the just the beginning for you, the first of MANY MILESTONES.

Ready or Not. Transitions.

It sometimes seems like I have all the words and then lately it seems like I don't have any...or maybe just not the right ones.

Everything is moving so quickly. 

It's like you threw your cap up on graduation day and are now trying frantically to find it.  Misplaced, but rummaging through the same things.  You could pick up any old cap and call it your own, but you're determined to find YOURS.  The PANIC.  The CHAOS.  Was is worth it?

Your answer:  ABSOLUTELY!  You can't imagine it any other way.

I believe it was worth every second.  It's been 18 years since I found out my life was going to change, everyday I was misplaced, trying to find my way, rummaging to find the answers.  STILL rummaging to find the answers.  Every age comes with a different challenge, the older they become the more intense the conflicts, the harder it is.  IT IS AGONIZING. 

It is lately that I am dealing with this acutely opinionated young man, accelerating towards adulthood.  EXHAUSTING.

Next week he will be graduating from high school; in a couple of months he will be starting his freshman year in college.  BITTERSWEET.  We clicked on the submit button to accept financial aid, then to accept loans and with each click the nausea kicks in.  My son is entering adulthood, BUT is not yet 18 years old.  SCARY.

What is even scarier is that I will have to learn how to live by myself.  In all of my adult life I have never lived by myself or for myself.  It is going to be a HUGE adaption; like learning to operate after losing a body part (I can only imagine).  I am hardly looking forward to this transition.  CONFUSION.

We, truth be told, have been fighting A LOT.  Do we need to live apart sooner then later?  YES, if only to save a life; his and/or mine.  BITTERSWEET.  After all, every breath that I have taken, every decision that  have made has been for the love of my only child.  HEART-BREAKING.

TRANSITIONS are a part of life, a GOOD PART of life.  THRIVING.

Missing my mom & LOVING my son!

I never thought about what Mother's Day would be like with my mom not around, I mean who does?  I never really thought of any day without my mom around.

Earlier this week I would've ordered my mom's flowers to have them delivered by Sunday.  I reached for the phone a few times, only to stop myself mid-dial.

In the last few years Bryan and I have done our own thing on Mother's Day (Since he's been a teenager, it's the one day that I can really pin him down and spend some quality time).  If I had known it was going to the last Mother's Day that I would spend with her,  I still would choose to spend it with Bryan and she would totally understand. She knew that I needed that time with him, that as a working mom, I never got to spend the time that I wanted with him. 

I love my mom she was the mom EVERYONE loved & knew.

As Bryan got older I knew she often didn't agree on the way that I was raising him.  She would bite her tongue, but I could read her like a book.  I have a close relationship with Bryan, I keep (or try to) an open mind and struggle not to judge (it's not the Christian thing to do after-all) him or his friends.  I let him make mistakes (to an extent, when he messed  up badly, it is not pretty, my consequences tend to be extreme, but I don't have to do it too often) and when he FINALLY does decide he wants to open up, I am there, listening /giving my honest opinion.

I learned a lot from my mom.  I learned patience, she loved my dad so much, I knew she had a lot of it.  She always was SO extremely nice that she was often treated as a door mat.  I vowed NEVER to be treated that way and often stressed to her that people treat you the way you wanted to be treated (part of the reason, my Pop & I get along so very well, he knows that I won't take his shenanigans).  I miss this woman, my mom and her kind heart, each & everyday.  I feel guilty for not letting her know what an influence she was on me.

ANYWHO...

This year I am pretty proud of myself.  I have raised a son that I haven't screwed up too badly!!  The major damage is that he has this ENORMOUS ego.  (I'm am a believer in positive reinforcement).  I ask for forgiveness for this monster that I have created.  The first thing that I said to him is "he's gorgeous!!" (the whole time that I was pregnant, I was praying for a healthy, CUTE baby - keep in mind I was teenager & these are the things the were important)  Bryan is the perfect mix of cocky and sweet, which is lethal in the female department.  Adults think he is funny because he is smart and witty; but since I am his mom & I have a blatant abhorrence for his 'tone'; so yes, he is a normal teenager.

Bryan has also FINALLY decided on where he is going to spend the next four years.  He will be attending Bloomsburg University of Pennsylvania in the Northeast region of PA a/k/a "coal country" in August.  He was accepted into the business school, so God-willing he will have a successful college career.  I am finding this next chapter to be quite bitter-sweet; while I love my son with my whole heart and soul and have lived my life for his every breath, it is time for us to live separately.  We have been butting heads & fighting more and more as of late and it makes me sad. 

It is going to be a HUGE adjustment, I am just hoping that Bryan is not to cool to Skype with me once a week. I already can't wait until he comes home to visit! 

Rosemary & The Bee

My second tattoo!!!  I am so thrilled with it. 

A little over a month ago I wrote about just getting my first tattoo, The Claddagh.  I wrote how I had waited for years while that image sat in my head.  It turned out beautifully.  Karly, from The Inkwell in Southampton, PA, was able to take what was in my brain and work her magic.  The day I was tattooed with the claddagh I had told Karly about the second tattoo that I wanted and the meaning behind it.  Is it at all possible that this one be as beautiful as my first?

Yes, it is possible!!  While the the most recent one hurt like hell, it was well worth the pain.  The flower in the picture is a sprig of the herb rosemary; most people aren't aware that when rosemary blooms it is has beautiful purple flower.  Rosemary was my mother name, she passed away suddenly just five days before Christmas.  The bee is representing my father, the term "the bee's knees" was a favorite phrase of his while we were growing and is now the symbol I use in the team that I lead in The Miles for Myeloma 5k held right here in Philadelphia.  The 5k benefits the ongoing research for The Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation.  The team I lead is in honor of my father who has been suffering from this type of cancer for 3+ years.

This tattoo quickly became something that I wanted immensely.  I took Karly's first available appointment, and let her take what was in my head once again, this very special tribute to my parents, that she put on paper then on my skin where it will remain forever.

My mom is probably shaking her head at me for what she would consider 'ruining my body', especially with a tribute to her.  Pop will say it's beautiful...secretly thinking that I could get it removed someday. 

Pop, I got a tattoo!

Me: Pop, I got a tattoo!

Pop: What did you get?

Me: Guess!!

Pop: Is it a butterfly?

Me (nearly spitting out my coffee): Pop, do you even know me?!?

Pop: Ok...I want three guesses.  An angel?

Me (shakes head no)

Pop: (& this is the best guess EVER!!) Is it Jesus?

Me: Noooooooo.  Here's a picture.

Pop: Well, you can always get it removed with a laser.

Gotta love that man!!

This past week I got my first tattoo.  Yes, I am in my mid-thirties and FINALLY did it.  I knew there are people who are going to think that I am nuts, why now you've gone this long with out one?!? 

All of my adult life I have put every thing that I needed or wanted on the back burner for so many reasons, it seemed like the right time to do something for me.  Saying that out loud makes me sound selfish at least that is always what I believed.

I have wanted a tattoo since high school, but never liked my body enough to decide on a spot; by the time that I turned 30ish, I had an awesome picture in my head of what I wanted.  I, don't have my sister's art talent and didn't know how to get what I wanted on paper, so I waited...and waited.  I am so glad that I did.

My tattoo is an original piece by an amazing tattoo artist in Southampton PA.  I met with her 3 times before the needle actually touched my skin.  It was so cool to see what had been in my head to actually come into fruition. 

It is a different spin on the common Celtic symbol,  the claddagh, representing friendship, loyalty and love.  The claddagh means a lot to me, not just because I am Scottish & Irish, but the symbolism behind it means everything to me in everyday life.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Sarah who loved everyone who is or has been in her life; who has taught her invaluable life lessons and made her stronger, those people who have picked her up when she was down and gave her strength when she was weak.  You have all heard me tell that story before!  I never take that for granted, which is why I decided to make the heart an anatomical heart.  Everyone who I love has a piece of it and here I am handing it to you.  All of it, if you'll have it.

That is what it means to be friends with me; you get the benefits of friendship, loyalty & love.

I already gave Karly my ideas for my second tattoo...stay tuned, it's going to be a good one!

Miles for Myeloma 4th annual 5k Walk/Run

Miles for Myeloma 5k Walk/Run

Team: “The Bee’s Knees”

Saturday April 28, 2012

The Philadelphia Art Museum

Benefiting:

The Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation

The International Myeloma Foundation

The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society

Taking the sting out of MM one step at a time!!

Please visit:

http://www.active.com/donate/milesformyeloma12/SBoyer22

To join or donate THE BEE’S KNEES (honoring Jim Burns, Sarah Boyer’s father)  

Help CONQUER MULTIPLE MYELOMA

HUMANS HELPING HUMANS

  

 

The Bee's Knees

My father was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma in early 2009.  It was life changing.  My father, the absolute strongest man I know was now weakened by a vicious monster that we refer to as cancer.  Multiple Myeloma (MM) is a cancer of the blood plasma.  This cancer runs throughout his veins on a daily basis.  He often receives plasma transfusions along with blood transfusions, these help raise his blood count and lower his protein count.  He receives his monthly, multi-day chemo treatment at the University of Pennsylvania Hospital.  This month was a bit different for him because it was the first treatment that my mom wouldn't be by his side.  He did great!  BUT, it's Jim Burns, so why wouldn't he?!?  This man is still, despite his bones literally deteriorating inside his body, and every single plasma cell coursing through his veins being contaminated with cancer, the strongest man that I know.  He CAN & WILL overcome EVERYTHING & ANYTHING that comes in his way.

The support of family and friends, thoughts and prayers from everyone who cares about him are what is keeping my Pop strong; that and the wonderful miracles workers at the University of Pennsylvania Hospital, the researchers at the Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation who dauntlessly work at finding a cure for my father and everyone suffering from MM.

Cancer puts loved ones in this uncontrollable place; the same loved ones who would do anything for the person they love.  We are suddenly left helpless; all we have is our faith & put it ALL in every doctor and nurse, ALL of our faith in whatever higher power one chooses to pray to, EVERYTHING is out of our hands.

Clearly I couldn't just sit back, so I did a bit of investigating and found that the Philadelphia Multiple Myeloma Networking Group held an event called Miles for Myeloma (it was only the 2nd annual event).  This event is a 5k walk/run with one of the beneficiaries being Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation.  This is what I had to do!   I coordinated a team in honor of my Pop, called "The Bee's Knees", this year will be the 3rd year we will be 'stepping to take the sting out of MM'.  If you are in the Philadelphia area on Saturday, April 21st (which would have been my Mom's 70th birthday) and would like to join or donate to my team, THE BEE'S KNEES, please just click on the link and be as generous as possible!

We couldn't keep up this fight with out people like you.  HUMANS HELPING HUMANS!!

Sometimes you just have to LOL.

Sometimes people make it so easy to make fun of them.  I'm not talking about the mean "make fun of", I am speaking of the calling-people-out-when-they-do-something-dumb/funny/classic "make fun of", which can still be kind of mean if people don't know you (always be aware of your audience and know that if you are taking silliness too far it can end up being bad business).  It is hardly fair to poke fun of anyone if you can't poke fun at yourself; that brings me to a story that I just had to share.

The other day was a friend's birthday.  I told her that I would take her to lunch, but I also wanted to get her a little something more, so we detoured to another store to get her a gift.  She picked out her gift and I was paying at the cashier and right before I slid my card the cashier asks to see my ID.  I looked at this woman like she was an alien, in dead silence for 30+ seconds, she looked right at me and stated, "the back of your card says C.I.D".  Oh my!  I said out loud to her what I was thinking which was: "...how old do you have to be to buy lotion & body spray?" (looking back, I should've kept that in my head).  She laughed SO hard!  I totally had to call myself out on that one!  In my defense, there have been recent local events where young adults have been smoking bath salts, one of the them jumped from the top of a mall parking garage after smoking what is a seemingly harmless item.  Cashiers card now for cold medication because of those cooking up meth in their kitchens, so what next...lotion & body spray?  It all made sense in my head, but hearing myself say it out-loud that day, well...it was pretty damn funny.

I, of course, told everyone back at the office.  My office people are very used to me calling them out on the silly shenanigans they say & do on a daily basis; believe me they have just as much fun doing the same to me. 

When one has quirks that are as exorbitant as mine, it is so important to be able to laugh at oneself.  It is so much better to be laughing together, enjoying each other for every part of our personalities.  Not one of us is perfect, THANK GOD; keeping things light, fun, & relaxed seem like a much happier way to live.

COLLEGE BOUND!

Today was rough day.  Work was a typical crazy Monday, but what made it even harder was that I barely slept at all last night.  Sleeping is still a rarity these days, but I am still trying to plow through.  My support system is stronger than ever, and everyday I am feeling more like myself.

After this seemingly endless day, I came home and brought the mail up to "The Attic" (that's what I call my itty bitty living space).  Bryan had two pieces today; they were from two of the Universities that he had applied to.  He open the first one with the reaction "Oh sh!t!  I got into Bloomsburg."  We both had thought that the letter was a parking pass for our upcoming visit.  The second was his acceptance letter to Kutztown University.  How exciting!!!  He still has a school to hear from and he has until the end of April to make his decision, but it is exciting none-the-less!!

At that very moment I felt like I had fulfilled this huge accomplishment.  One of my main goals of this whole motherhood gig was to get Bryan into college.  Bryan knew exactly what I was thinking too.  He said, "Are you glad to know that I am definitely going to college?"  Am I glad?  I am elated!  My child, the one that I have raised...the one that we have collectively raised is college-bound.  COLLEGE BOUND!!! 

Another goal of mine was that I raised a child who wasn't completely effed up.  Now, that is still to be determined, but as far as I can tell the job that I have done isn't too shabby.  He is a typical teenager who gets in trouble because he doesn't use his head.  He knows it ALL.  His mouth is fresh & he is sarcastic, but weren't we all?  He also respects adults, is LOYAL to his friends and although he doesn't cuddle with me on the couch, like so many of my friend's little ones, he doesn't hesitate to tell me he loves me in front of everyone and anyone.

Today reminded me of how wonderful life is; the up and downs, sometimes all in one day.  The exhilarating roller coaster ride that someday we don't want to end and other days we are so ready to get off. 
Today was filled with wonderful news, a perfect Valentine's gift to receive from the one who is my "heart".  My love, my son.

Forward motion

"experience the bittersweet
to taste defeat, then brush your teeth...
cause i struggle with forward motion
i struggle with forward motion
we all struggle with forward motion
cause forward motion is harder than it sounds
well every time i gain some ground
i gotta turn myself around again..."

~Relient K

One month ago today I was making plans to go to The Craft Beer Fest in Philadelphia, ensuring that  my friend got the email & still had plans on going (although it was months away), we had such a blast last year!  The same friend had written on my Facebook wall that day to let me know the very important news of Britney Spears (truth be told I have a girl crush on her and will defend her like we were related).  Britney got engaged again and she couldn't wait to tell me.  I didn't have to work the second job that night, so I was able to catch up with a couple of friends.  It was a normal, boring Monday in every sense of the word.  I went to work that morning, I even blogged that night.

One month ago I called my Mom.  She asked me if we were coming to Christmas at their house; then told me she wasn't feeling well and was actually on her way to bed when I had called.  I told her that Bryan and I would be there and she said that she would talk to me before then, she told me to give Bryan a hug for her, I replied "feel better, good night!" and we hung up...

The next day, I received a phone call a little after noon, the phone read "Mammie cell" (she's been in my phone like that for years because that is what Bryan called her when he was little; he couldn't pronounce Lammie, which is what we actually called her).  I thought 'why is she calling me?  She knows I'm at work', I was SO annoyed...so I put the ringer on silent and went to the ladies room on my way to lunch, after-all Christmas was coming and I need to get stuff done.  I checked my voice mail before heading out to run my errands and listened to an incoherent rambling from my father.  He was distraught, but I couldn't make out what it was that he was trying to convey (listening to it again, it was quite clear, I guess I had chosen not to comprehend it at that moment).  I called him immediately; what he said clear, hysterical, but clear as day, "Mom died.  She's dead."  I asked a bunch of questions.  What happened?  Where are you?  All he answered was "I'm at home."  I told him that I'd be there as soon as possible.  I hung up.   My life was changed forever.

It was over a week until we buried her; within that week, Christmas came & went.  I kept my promise to my Mom, Bryan & I went over to my Dad's house for Christmas.  We had dinner and exchanged presents, because that is what she would've wanted (she had done all her shopping), but most importantly that is what Pop wanted.  He wanted us all there.  He NEEDED us all there.

Recovery is pretty painful.  I have promised myself to keep moving in a forward motion, little steps are getting me through.  Pop needs us, his family, to help him in his fight to beat cancer.  Regaining strength...forward motion...baby steps.

One month makes a world of difference.  It can be the difference between a preemie and a full-term birth; it can be just enough time between crawling and walking...maybe that is why people refer to this healing as 'baby steps'?!?  I call it 'forward motion' and I will keep moving forward, as painful as it is some days.

Plans are being made, life is going on...there is still a Craft Beer Fest in Philly that Lammie would want me to go to!!  

"when i see what i should
when i see that it's good (that it's good)"

~Relient K

worse before it gets better.

This week is proving to be the hardest yet; my heart is exposed.

I have never tried so hard to keep busy in my life...to make sure that I was surround by people.  My friends have their own families, their own routine, then enter Sarah; the girl who is not ready to be by herself yet.  Sarah, the woman who is not proving to be as strong as she thought that she was.  My friends have been bending over backward to be there for me. I have no complaints.  Everyone who I have asked to hang out or come over, has come through, without a missing a beat.

It is crazy how I remember exactly who was/is there for me.  It's crazy how I remember who wasn't.  You know, the people who you thought would be there for you but weren't and the surprise of people who were there that you may not have expected to be.  It was a whirlwind of overwhelming emotions, but I remember it ALL.

After it is all said and done, I am still not OK.  I think when people ask me how I am, that is how they would like me to answer, but I can't.   I am far from OK.  I am farthest from OK that I have been so far.  I am zoning out (staring into space) A LOT; I am hurt by those who I thought would have been there, but weren't & that they think that it's perfectly fine.  (This is my selfishness coming out.  Silly me, thinking friends should be acting exactly like that...FRIENDS.  Remember my heart is exposed, so you're reading what I feel.)

Many people have told me that it does get worse before it gets better.  How much worse can I expect?  I mean, I get out of bed and do what I am suppose to do on a daily basis, but throughout the day I feel open and vulnerable, like at any moment I may have yet another "break-down".  This person is not me!  I have been through A LOT in my 36 years.  I am strong and come through any situation like gang busters.  I am that woman with amazing coping skills.  Well, where the hell are they now is what I would like to know?

People, clients at my full-time job will ask how my holidays were.   Not exactly my favorite question these days.  I am honest.  I tell them, they were kind of crappy and then explain why.  I am not going to lie & say that they were great.  I happen to be pretty transparent, so everyone would see right through that anyway.  My mom passed away suddenly and the more I say it out loud, the more it heals me.

I thank God that I am the type of person who surrounds (or try to) myself with uber amazing people who love me unconditionally; (I can be hard to love at times - my mom would be the first one to agree with that!) which means my friends are the real deal.  These uber amazing people WANT to be a part of my life; that thought is over whelming by itself.

Pretty soon I will be OK, not super, not fabulous, but OK.  I actually look forward to that; with the help of the wonderful people in my life, I know I will get there.  Slowly, but surely.  I can't wait to say, "I'm OK!"

You're going to be just like her.

These past 2 weeks have been the hardest I have ever had to face.  On December 20th, my mother passed away suddenly.  On December 20th our lives changed forever.  My mom was the kind of mom that I was always jealous of.  The kind of mom we all would like to be; she was that mom who was blessed enough to be room-mom, who went on class trips, who volunteered at the school and various church function.  She was the mom that everyone knew.  My mom was the type of mom who planned family dinners nightly & who knew all of my friends.  She loved them and we all loved her.

My mother was also my father's care-giver; Pop was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma (MM) in early 2009.  My mom, who took care of my father is now gone.  My father is the strongest man that I know, he will fight this.  He'll fight for all of us.  Pop has always put in extra-hours, working hard is nothing new to him.  I am worried about him, but I know he'll survive because he's the one who taught me how to make a come back.

We had to plan a viewing and a Catholic Funeral Mass over Christmas.  We couldn't work it in before the holiday weekend, so we had these funeral arrangements looming over us for a solid week.  You may as well just have ripped out all of our hearts.

Christmas was hard.  New Years Eve was even harder.  They'll be hard for the rest of my life, I know this.  Nothing can ever prepare you for the hurt of losing a parent suddenly; the thoughts, the things you wished you'd mention, the regrets of the things that you didn't say or do.  There is a broken feeling that is truly unbearable. 

This is where my friends amaze me.  I cannot put into words (although, I'll try) how much they have been there for me. Everyday my friends have checked-in on me.  My friends, some who I've known since grade-school, have been in touch and just have been saying the most touching things and sharing memories that they have of my mom.  I even heard one of my old friends tell my Pop that my mom helped raise all the kids that went to school with us.  I have also had friends who have been through very similar situations contact me to share their experiences to help me understand what to expect and give me the support I needed.  I have never felt so much love in my life.  Every email, every text message, every card, every phone call that I received was like I was warm hug. 

So many people came to pay respect to my mom.  The love that people had for her was over-whelming.  On our way home, when everything was finally over (feeling like a weight had been lifted.  It had been 8 days since her actual death), Bryan says to me, "Mom, you're going to be exactly like her."  Knowing that I am very much like my father I had asked why he thought that.  He explained that I am the type of mom that everyone loves; not just as a mom, but as a friend and as a person...just like her, my mother, Rosemary Burns, (1942-2011).  My father has taught me how to be a hard-working woman while my mother taught me how to be a"mom" (and everything else that goes with THAT title).