Leo, my puppychops.

“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.” 

― Will Rogers

Leonardo DiCaprio Puppychow Heek Boyer (Leo), our dog, had been in our family for 14 years.  

When I was married my ex-husband he was never very interested in having a dog, not that he doesn't like dogs, he just thought that we weren't ready for it and it wouldn't give us the freedom to just get up and go.

It was the day after my husband had told me that he didn't want to be married any longer, that he just was never in love with me, that Kelly, my then neighbor, along with Bryan who was 5 years old and her son Mitchell who was 3 and a half, took a trip to the mall.  Kelly wanted to get me out of the house, to focus on anything other then reality, being February there wasn't too much to choose from, so window shopping it was.  Since, the 2 boys were with us they naturally gravitated  towards the Kay Bee Toy store. I had been in another world, pacing toward the front of the store, just numb from my world getting turned upside-down, when a young girl came in holding puppies, her name was Asia.  She said that the puppies were up for adoption.  Her grandmother's dog had given birth to a litter a few weeks ago and they couldn't afford to care for them for much longer.  I took her number, went to my mom for advice & took the night to think about it. It didn't take too much convincing or thought to decide that a puppy was exactly what Bryan & I needed.  After all, Bryan was at a great age to start learning responsibility and I couldn't really see a downside.  I phoned Asia and met her the next day, she had one male left and we were blessed with our first dog.  Leo was only 7 weeks old so I had to spoon feed him baby cereal and take him to get his shots.  The veterinarian gave us a clean bill of health and so began our journey. 

I had never had a dog before much less a puppy and I had literally no idea what I was doing.  It was a bit if a rough start for us, I had NO IDEA the work that goes into having a new born pup.  I quickly caught on (like any puppy-mother does) and figured out that all they really want is love.  Leo became Bryan's best friend instantly.  Leo was very willing to be wrestled with, tackled, chased and used as a pillow.  He was always so happy when visitors came over, because they were obviously there to see him. (DUH!  Why else would people be over?!?)  He was an attention hog and jealous as all get out.  He was always in everyone's business and ready to give you every toy or half chewed up bone that he had upon your arrival.  

KISSES ALL OF THE TIME!!  The kisses that once annoyed me I will miss the most.  He was so loving and loved to give kisses, to the point where I had to correct him when he went to town on certain people (others could fend for themselves! that, or it was just funny to watch...).  Look at me.  Look at me.  I will give you kisses anywhere until you acknowledge me; arm pits, jeans...just pet me you fool.

Leo kissing my niece, Hadley.  Hadley saying "NO MORE!"

Leo was so full of energy.  I actually had to warn people about his high energy.  He wouldn't think twice about corning someone and demanding to be pet.  He really was quite hospitable (on his conditions) OH!  Let's not forget that ALL food was up for grabs, along with tobacco of any kind, it didn't necessarily have to be legal, alcohol, Chapstick, lipstick, prescription medication, or really anything that might be in your purse or jacket draped over a chair, but it wasn't his fault that we didn't know his rules.  Learning his rules had led to many ridiculous, memorable and some embarrassing stories.  I am so thankful for all of them.  We enjoyed this craziness and by craziness, I mean CRAZINESS!!! up until last year when it came to a screeching halt.  Leo had slowed down immensely.

One of Bryan's friends who was over recently said, he went really hard for 13 years and now he's just so tired; another nicknamed him "The Lone Majestic Wolf".  They all loved him as much as we did.

Unfortunately, this weekend I had to make a decision that no one ever wants to make.  I had to decide that it would be more humane to euthanize our family pet then see him suffer everyday.  UGH!!!  The day had come and I had to put my big girl pants and put what was best for this precious animal who I loved like family, first.  Breaking the news to Bryan was heart-wrenching.

Leo was a part of us and it is going to be hard, but I know he had a good life.  He stole our hearts and became the perfect fit for our tiny family and has been through so much with us.  Bryan and I didn't have an easy start, but once I committed to Leo, I was all in.  We may not have been rich, but that's the thing with dogs or any pet, they don't care about any of that, rich or poor, fat or thin, it is all irrelevant; what they want is completely free.

Leo, you will be missed more than I ever thought possible. You are forever in our hearts. R.I.P. my friend. 

Leo Boyer, (January 3, 2000 - February 12, 2014)

“Such short little lives our pets have to spend with us, and they spend most of it waiting for us to come home each day. 

It is amazing how much love and laughter they bring into our lives and even how much closer we become with each other because of them.” 

― John Grogan, Marley and Me: Life and Love With the World's Worst Dog

Just the Beginning. Milestone #1, check.

Tomorrow my son graduates from high-school; this is a HUGE milestone for him.  I am excited, he has had a pretty good school experience; learning comes easy to Bryan, so he never really struggled (unless homework or writing were involved, then there were issues.  He's in for a rude awaking in college!!), but usually keep pretty good grades.  He used to play soccer when he was in elementary school although he gave that up in high-school.  He wasn't a joiner through his stint in high-school, but he has tons of friends.  EVERYONE knows Bryan  This may be because he grew up in one school district and switched right before school started in September, 2008 to another, right when high-school was about to begin.

We had the opportunity to make a move into a duplex instead of the complex we had called home for 8 years.  This would save us hundreds of dollars a month and after discussing the move with his father (I always included Dan in anything that involved Bryan's well-being) and he was not only OK with the idea, he encouraged the decision, knowing that it would be a great move for us.  Bryan hated me for it.  I didn't blame him.  I hated me.  I wanted him to have the a place he was able to remember growing up in, a place he could call his "hometown"; I felt like I was taking that away from him.

As it turns out that, the big move 4 miles down the road wasn't SO horrible.  His friends from "the old neighborhood" graduated on Friday.  I still love all of them & am so proud to have had them in my son's life.  The kids that he calls friends from the school he is currently at are also family.  UNCONDITIONAL LOVE is what Bryan has for these people.  You can feel it when you're around them.  It is exuding from their pores.  If I have done nothing else, I have raised a son who is LOYAL.

Tomorrow, while Bryan is reveling in being a high-school graduate, I am feeling a tad bit empty.  My mother would have loved to have been at and see her only grandson graduating.  You couldn't mention Bryan's name without my mom's face beaming.  She was the MOST PROUD of him; needless to say I am missing her beyond belief this week.  I was hoping my dad was going to be able to come out to see him receive his diploma, it would have been my Mom & Dad's 46th anniversary, so I wanted him to be around family and what better way?!?  Pop will be at the hospital receiving his treatment by himself while we are at graduation.  Shitty, really shitty.  I know there is a reason why he was meant to be in the hospital, but it doesn't make me feel any less lonely.  I am, however banking on mom STILL being there, she wouldn't miss it.  She won't have to bitch about how hot it is while fanning herself with the program, but I'll be thinking of her while I am.

Good Luck to my son and ALL this friends.  This is the just the beginning for you, the first of MANY MILESTONES.

worse before it gets better.

This week is proving to be the hardest yet; my heart is exposed.

I have never tried so hard to keep busy in my life...to make sure that I was surround by people.  My friends have their own families, their own routine, then enter Sarah; the girl who is not ready to be by herself yet.  Sarah, the woman who is not proving to be as strong as she thought that she was.  My friends have been bending over backward to be there for me. I have no complaints.  Everyone who I have asked to hang out or come over, has come through, without a missing a beat.

It is crazy how I remember exactly who was/is there for me.  It's crazy how I remember who wasn't.  You know, the people who you thought would be there for you but weren't and the surprise of people who were there that you may not have expected to be.  It was a whirlwind of overwhelming emotions, but I remember it ALL.

After it is all said and done, I am still not OK.  I think when people ask me how I am, that is how they would like me to answer, but I can't.   I am far from OK.  I am farthest from OK that I have been so far.  I am zoning out (staring into space) A LOT; I am hurt by those who I thought would have been there, but weren't & that they think that it's perfectly fine.  (This is my selfishness coming out.  Silly me, thinking friends should be acting exactly like that...FRIENDS.  Remember my heart is exposed, so you're reading what I feel.)

Many people have told me that it does get worse before it gets better.  How much worse can I expect?  I mean, I get out of bed and do what I am suppose to do on a daily basis, but throughout the day I feel open and vulnerable, like at any moment I may have yet another "break-down".  This person is not me!  I have been through A LOT in my 36 years.  I am strong and come through any situation like gang busters.  I am that woman with amazing coping skills.  Well, where the hell are they now is what I would like to know?

People, clients at my full-time job will ask how my holidays were.   Not exactly my favorite question these days.  I am honest.  I tell them, they were kind of crappy and then explain why.  I am not going to lie & say that they were great.  I happen to be pretty transparent, so everyone would see right through that anyway.  My mom passed away suddenly and the more I say it out loud, the more it heals me.

I thank God that I am the type of person who surrounds (or try to) myself with uber amazing people who love me unconditionally; (I can be hard to love at times - my mom would be the first one to agree with that!) which means my friends are the real deal.  These uber amazing people WANT to be a part of my life; that thought is over whelming by itself.

Pretty soon I will be OK, not super, not fabulous, but OK.  I actually look forward to that; with the help of the wonderful people in my life, I know I will get there.  Slowly, but surely.  I can't wait to say, "I'm OK!"

Happy Holidays?!?

Holidays are supposed to be filled with joy, song & warmth of spirit; goodwill of men.  Youngsters have a pure soul, it is so easy for  the young to innately become the spirit of the holidays.

Thanksgiving has passed.  It is so easy for me to be thankful everyday.  In fact, I have written  throughout this year how thankful I am for friends and the things that I have been blessed with.  I work hard and have an undying loyalty to the people who love and respect me.  Yet, as the holidays grow closer, I have a knot of anxiety.

When people ask how my Thanksgiving was, it is getting harder and harder to hide that my holidays are not fun at all.  As soon as Thanksgiving was over, one of my first thoughts was, 'Ugh.  I have to see them again in 4 weeks".  Yes, I am speaking of my family.  Somewhere, somehow, we have fallen apart and I seem to be the only one who is willing to recognize and vocalize it.  I am as close to my Pop as I have always been.  He is  my heart.  We are the same person; just recently I told him how I felt, how they were making me feel, how they have made me felt for the last decade or so.  He says they love me; I say actions speak louder then words.

They don't abuse me, at least not physically, so I do know that many people have it a lot worse.  My family ignores me.  In fact, I saw one of them in the store a couple of weeks ago; as I stood there waving and saying "Hi", they continued to walk right by me in silence.  One foot away, looked at me directly and I received nothing but a blank look.  Now, I am supposed to forget that happened and dine with these people & make merry through the holidays.  I have a forgiving heart, but I don't forget.  I especially don't forget that because I expected a salutation in return to mine, I was reminded that "the world doesn't revolve around me".  Yes!  Somehow it got twisted into being my fault.

Christmas is less then 4 weeks away, I used to love Christmas.  I still do, because making others happy fills my heart, but it is quite different now that Bryan is older.  I am trying to look for the magic of the holiday, I don't want to lose it.  I have so many fabulous memories of Christmas, that I can't stand the thought of them bringing me down this year.

Life is a blessing and truthfully, I don't know how many Christmases my Pop will be here to hold my hand and tell me that he loves me and is proud of me.  Everyday that I have him here make things a little better.  He and Bryan are the reason that I will make nice this December 25th.  I will pray, as I do every year, that next year will be different. 

Until then, I will stay true to myself and know in my heart that I am not whatever it is they think of me.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me!

Some people need to be given chances, may be even more then one or two.  Sometimes you need to give respect to be respected.

I am learning this through my son and his friends. 

My son is 17 years  old, most of his friends are almost a year older then him; they are turning into adults (legally anyway).  There may be a couple of friends who have a hard time making what one would consider responsible decisions; or even at the bare minimum an alright choice.  Didn't we all struggle with this in high school and as young adults?  So many things were way more important then what really mattered.

It is SO HARD watching these kids, most of whom I consider family, make reckless decisions.  It is SO HARD to keep my mouth shut (why start now, right?), so I don't.  When I see my kids hurting, I hurt.  The bottom line is someone needs to tell them that, so I did.  They listen.  It's a joke to think that anything I said will change anyone or any circumstance over night; it's not always about words, it's about action and carrying out those words.

I love and respect these people like they are just that, people.  These kids might be on the verge of throwing in the proverbial towel at times, but I have let them know that they always have a place to come to.  I let them know that I will help them as much as I can, but don't call me from jail, I can't afford to bail anyone out!

This evening, one of the crew came up and he said: "This house is so chill...I can just sit, relax and watch jeopardy..."  To me that was a pretty big compliment.

All of these young adults are awesome human beings; all have amazing qualities and tons of talent.  I just wish more adults saw that when they look their way.  These people are just trying to get through high school; they will become something and enjoy their adulthood.  It is our jobs as adults to help that happen.

On the fence, over the fence...who put this fence here?

I came very close to ending my blog; in fact I am still on the fence about opening my soul to every person I know and then some (I get nervous butterflies every time I press 'Publish').  The last blog that I wrote prompted someone to write something that I considered derogatory and disgusting as a comment.  I was so taken back by this.  I am well aware that a lot of people have access to what I write, but this person is someone who knows me (acknowledging my second employer by name, something that I didn't divulge in the post).  My heart broke.  This blog is so far from my comfort zone, that I kept it private for months before I shared it with the world.  I thought that the people that I surround myself with were true friends, the people that I write about, the people that I adore.  Clearly, this is unrequited adoration.

I have received messages from people who actually like what I write.  Maybe they can relate, maybe it makes people laugh, maybe they're bored; either way they are reading what I write and liking it.  I like writing; I write to vent, to clear my head, to keep myself honest.

I don't write a controversial blog, so I don't know why someone would purposely write something hurtful, but I don't think that I am ready to give it up.  Perhaps I need a thicker skin or to be more selective on who I choose to be my friends.

I am not going to regress on my progress and cower from one hater.  It's not who I am.  I have been through some pretty tough things in my fairly short life.  I'll be damn if I let a mean commenter get the better of me!  Just sayin'

You can't silence me that easily!

You're my Golden Girl

I have always considered myself a good friend, I'm not trying to be arrogant, but I am.  I am a good friend because I surround myself with good, positive people.  It is easy to want to do things and be there for others when they are doing good things and being there for you.  So, yea, I am a good friend.

It is not a secret that I love everyone in my life, I have told you a million-and-one times, but to me it is worth repeating.  Last night, it was another late night and I received a text message on my cell phone.  (Weird, I thought nearly the whole world would have been sleeping.)  The text said "I just thought of you, it was the theme song from The Golden Girls that made me want to say hi.  Just glad that you're my friend...You're my Golden Girl."  How could your heart not be filled with love from that compliment.

Granted, she went on to say that I was Blanche ;) & a bunch of other silliness, but the moral of the story is, MY HEART IS TRUE, I AM A PAL AND A CONFIDANT!

Rest assured that my loyalty to the people that I love is boundless & you've got me in your lives, for better or worse.

Loyalty lies in your fan-hood...

I love sports.  A Lot!!  I grew up and live in the suburbs of Philadelphia, a huge sports city; from college sports to professional sports, we have mega-fans.  Philadelphia sports fans have a passion unlike no other.  It's our way or no way.  You want to leave a team for another because they are offering you more money?  We will disown you and shout it from the roof-tops.  You must always choose US, the Philadelphia fans!! Why wouldn't you want to?  We are so friendly in this this City of Brotherly Love.

My absolute favorite sports are baseball & hockey.  I watch almost every Phillies & Flyers game they televise.  The organizations with the longest seasons, I am aware.  It is not a secret that I am loyal in every aspect of my being.  The sports that I choose to love are just another example.  What I enjoy even more is attending the games live.  The Philadelphia fans are just as you imagine them.  We are energetic and emotional.  The fans feed off of each other and the atmosphere at a live game is exhilarating.  Pure adrenaline rush.  I also love to watch lacrosse and soccer.  The Wings are an amazing team who deserve more acknowledgement for their accomplishments and with the addition of the Union we have become a soccer city.  My son grew up playing soccer, so it is a sport that I  thoroughly enjoy and actually understand.  I used to be quite the soccer mom.  In fact my enthusiasm almost got me ejected from a couple of games.  Whoops.

I grew up in a neighborhood of boys.  It was pretty much just my sister and I, then about 7-10 neighborhood boys.  They let me play all the time.  Sports have always been in my blood. I, myself, played softball until I was in high school, but always exercised and have always tried to stay physical.

Tonight, I sit here watching the Philadelphia Flyers in the Stanley Cup Playoffs while I am following the Philadelphia Phillies via smart phone.  Whatever sport you chose to direct your fan-hood be loyal and make sure that you are having a good ol' fashion fun time.