2013, SEE YA!!

2013 WAS A RUTHLESS BITCH; from the beginning to the end.  Some years are like that, life lessons, growing stronger...yes, I get it.  Well, I am over it!  Turning lemons in to lemonade, I know every positive thought there is, trust me.

Maybe it is odd numbered years that I struggle with?  I am a bit OCD.

I am looking forward to 2014.  Realistically, I know just because you hang up a brand new calendar it doesn't necessarily mean things will change.  I will make them change.  I will take the shit that was handed to me in 2013 and turn it into sugar.  I have a faithful God who is looking over me and is giving me opportunities.  He has blessed me so much thus far, I can hardly lose faith now, not when I need it the most.

I have enjoyed some of it, I won't lie.  It started off a bit rocky for Bryan and I, if you recall.  I love this person more than I could ever imagine, unconditionally; this year taught me that.  I don't know if people actually realize this until something threatens their relationship with their child; illness, circumstance, what-have-you.  Of course, I have always loved Bryan unconditionally even before he was born, but when there is a real chance that you may lose that relationship "that love" changes into some unexplainable love.  It was such a struggle for me to let him grow; it sounds so natural, him leaving home and becoming more independent; it's not.  At least not for this Momma Bear.  It was losing control, worry and anxiety.  Letting him go was the hardest thing that EVER had to do in my life. (I surrendered to therapy and started feeling much better, by the way.) He doesn't agree, but I think he has grown as person.  I hope 2014 brings him wisdom and he sees the opportunities life hands him and takes advantage of them.

Also, I have seen so many people that I love having an amazing 2013 and as I said before, seeing my friends and their families flourish makes me happy; their gorgeous children, other halves and friends having geniune fabulous times.  I appreciate their happiness, it has become a realization that life is too short to not appreciate the little things.  Cherish every detail, every memory and keep posting because I know that my happiness is right around the corner and in-the-mean-time, I'll cherish yours.

So, see ya 2013...Here's to a FABULOUS 2014!  Making memories, living life, laughing, loving & cherishing EVERY SINGLE MOMENT.

He hasn't forgotten about me.

When my son left for college in August I honestly didn't know how I would be able to live without seeing my only child, the love of my life, everyday.  It was one of the hardest days of my life dropping him off at Bloomsburg University.  I got through it, not without a bunch of tears, but I was able to get through it.

The tears?  I guess most mother's cry when their kids leave home for the first time.  I am not generally a crier, but it felt like someone ripped my heart out that day.  Not only because I knew I'd miss him, but because I felt like he would forget me.  Sounds crazy, I know. Sounds irrational, I get it; but I also know my son.  Has my prediction come true?  I have spoken to Bryan on the phone I think three times total since he has left, he texts me when he needs something, mostly funds or to tell me that he is coming home for the weekend.  The first weekend he came home I saw him for 20 minutes total, his bed wasn't even slept in. (Boy, did I voice my opinion about that!!)  The next & only other time that he came home I actually had a meal with him.  Progress! 

He hasn't forgotten about me.  I have come to realize this.  What HAS happened is that I have raised an independent young man; from the time he was 2 weeks old I have had to leave him to go to work or class.  He has learned from a very young age that I would always come for him & that he was never abandoned.  The first day of kindergarten he barely waved good-bye when he was getting on the bus.  He'd spend weekends with his father and I knew he was safe; now, I can only pray that the values, the ground work that I laid was enough.

Why would I think college would be any different? This time he was leaving me. 

How have I fared?  Actually, I am doing really well.  Working two jobs and going to the gym whenever I can certainly has helped to keep me busy. 

My house is clean.  Bryan comes as a package deal.  His friends are always with him, bare minimum 5 guys on a quiet night.  Now, as one knows young men are freaking gross (no offense guys)!!  My toilet paper cost alone has been cut in half.  My shower head is always adjusted to the right setting and I know when we run out of something because I was the last one to use it. 

I miss my baby boy more than anyone can imagine.  I am glad he will be coming home in just a couple of days for Thanksgiving break, but now I know that when he goes back I will be just fine,
he will be just fine and we will be together again at Christmas break.

Ready or Not. Transitions.

It sometimes seems like I have all the words and then lately it seems like I don't have any...or maybe just not the right ones.

Everything is moving so quickly. 

It's like you threw your cap up on graduation day and are now trying frantically to find it.  Misplaced, but rummaging through the same things.  You could pick up any old cap and call it your own, but you're determined to find YOURS.  The PANIC.  The CHAOS.  Was is worth it?

Your answer:  ABSOLUTELY!  You can't imagine it any other way.

I believe it was worth every second.  It's been 18 years since I found out my life was going to change, everyday I was misplaced, trying to find my way, rummaging to find the answers.  STILL rummaging to find the answers.  Every age comes with a different challenge, the older they become the more intense the conflicts, the harder it is.  IT IS AGONIZING. 

It is lately that I am dealing with this acutely opinionated young man, accelerating towards adulthood.  EXHAUSTING.

Next week he will be graduating from high school; in a couple of months he will be starting his freshman year in college.  BITTERSWEET.  We clicked on the submit button to accept financial aid, then to accept loans and with each click the nausea kicks in.  My son is entering adulthood, BUT is not yet 18 years old.  SCARY.

What is even scarier is that I will have to learn how to live by myself.  In all of my adult life I have never lived by myself or for myself.  It is going to be a HUGE adaption; like learning to operate after losing a body part (I can only imagine).  I am hardly looking forward to this transition.  CONFUSION.

We, truth be told, have been fighting A LOT.  Do we need to live apart sooner then later?  YES, if only to save a life; his and/or mine.  BITTERSWEET.  After all, every breath that I have taken, every decision that  have made has been for the love of my only child.  HEART-BREAKING.

TRANSITIONS are a part of life, a GOOD PART of life.  THRIVING.

COLLEGE BOUND!

Today was rough day.  Work was a typical crazy Monday, but what made it even harder was that I barely slept at all last night.  Sleeping is still a rarity these days, but I am still trying to plow through.  My support system is stronger than ever, and everyday I am feeling more like myself.

After this seemingly endless day, I came home and brought the mail up to "The Attic" (that's what I call my itty bitty living space).  Bryan had two pieces today; they were from two of the Universities that he had applied to.  He open the first one with the reaction "Oh sh!t!  I got into Bloomsburg."  We both had thought that the letter was a parking pass for our upcoming visit.  The second was his acceptance letter to Kutztown University.  How exciting!!!  He still has a school to hear from and he has until the end of April to make his decision, but it is exciting none-the-less!!

At that very moment I felt like I had fulfilled this huge accomplishment.  One of my main goals of this whole motherhood gig was to get Bryan into college.  Bryan knew exactly what I was thinking too.  He said, "Are you glad to know that I am definitely going to college?"  Am I glad?  I am elated!  My child, the one that I have raised...the one that we have collectively raised is college-bound.  COLLEGE BOUND!!! 

Another goal of mine was that I raised a child who wasn't completely effed up.  Now, that is still to be determined, but as far as I can tell the job that I have done isn't too shabby.  He is a typical teenager who gets in trouble because he doesn't use his head.  He knows it ALL.  His mouth is fresh & he is sarcastic, but weren't we all?  He also respects adults, is LOYAL to his friends and although he doesn't cuddle with me on the couch, like so many of my friend's little ones, he doesn't hesitate to tell me he loves me in front of everyone and anyone.

Today reminded me of how wonderful life is; the up and downs, sometimes all in one day.  The exhilarating roller coaster ride that someday we don't want to end and other days we are so ready to get off. 
Today was filled with wonderful news, a perfect Valentine's gift to receive from the one who is my "heart".  My love, my son.

Voilà, lemonade is served.

There are so many reason's why I write this blog; the biggest reason would probably be my sanity.  Getting all the thoughts and feeling in my head out in a public forum?  Yea, it is totally not something that I am always comfortable with.  One might say it is a little outside my box.  I do it because it keeps me honest with myself and brings me back to my basic beliefs and values which I think most people struggle with on a daily basis.  I am here to admit that I struggle and I am on a journey to be the person that I want to be.


Lately, a friendship was ended because this person claimed that they needed more positivity in their life.  More positivity?  Well, good luck with that because my cup is 99.9% full. (Yes, I have my days, but seriously I am a ray of sunshine!)  Life has given me lemons-a-plenty, and voilà, lemonade is served.

I get stressed.  Who doesn't?  Recently, I have been super-stressed and told the world.  Did me voicing my craziness to the world help me?  Maybe, maybe not, but hopefully it made someone feel like they're not alone in feeling like a hot mess on what seems to be any given day.

I am learning that life doesn't get ANY easier when kids grow up.  I have spent many hours waiting for the next step.  The easier days, the days when I wouldn't have to pay for daycare anymore because he was old enough for before-and-after school care (& it was so much cheaper - I couldn't wait to hand over that last check to day care.)  Then, I was counting the days until Bryan could come home on his own. (He was a latch-key kid; terrible mommy, I know.) I was nervous when he reached that age, but he was always so responsible.  He got his first cell phone and since then he has 'checked in' with me everyday.  He used to call the office, tell me about his day & let me know what homework he had, now I get a text message that merely says "checking in".  I guess it is being human to want the next thing, but the next thing is starting to freak me out!!!  
Bryan is looking for a car and applying to colleges.  My child will soon be taking the next step.  STRESS; where there is stress there are short fuses and bickering; leading to more stress.  There is no easy days when you're a parent, but I can sit in the recliner and look at my son and say, "Wow, I did that."  SURREAL & SCARY!!  Until someone comes up to you and says what a good kid he is, then scary turns into PRIDE.

My whole life I have been playing dodge ball with lemons, I have learned to juggle and squeeze these bitter little bastards, and I know that I am no where near done.  I do know for sure that the people that I have surrounded myself with and the love and support of my friends, Bryan & I can do anything.  We are one tribe and we carry each other to and through the next steps, good or bad.