Underdogs or Heroes?

I originally wrote this on May 1st, the next day I was told some disheartening news about Kevin.  The night after the event of this post took place Kevin was robbed by a group of area kids.  The end result was not good.  There seemed to be a bit of a scuffle, Kevin is 5'1"-5'2" and he was by himself; he ended up pulling out a knife and well, let's put it this way, no one is dead, but Kevin is in county jail where he will remain until bare minimum his arraignment at the end of the month.  

I believe in every word that wrote about Kev, I know that he has the potential to be a great human being.  

"I am a big fan of the misunderstood, the vilified, 

the underdog, the breaking of myths." - Dominic Monaghan

Over the weekend one of my son's friends contacted me.  He asked me if I had time to help him with a resume.  My first thought was that it has taken me a long time to find a job, are you sure that you want my help?!?  Of course I was willing to lend a hand.

A little background about this particular friend, Kevin, he was never a huge hit with the other parental units among Bryan's crowd.  He is quiet when he doesn't know you, which may make him come across as shady and untrustworthy.  He is always wearing headphones tuning out society and loathes authority.  He is generally bearded and wears gauges in his ears.  He seemed to mix with the wrong people and trouble repeatedly found him.

I try not to judge people, especially teenagers and young people, mainly because they are in this stage for such a short time, trying to find where they fit in.  Some make really bad decisions, but Kevin was always respectful of me and my home and I have a soft spot for the underdog.  After all, someone has to help these boys become the men they are meant to be.

One day, this young man decided he didn't like having to alter his brain every day to feel something or nothing, (I suppose is a better way to put it). Kevin was taking a huge step; he wanted to change, wanted a chance, so he took it.  He is just about to finish his first semester in college, so when I heard he needed help with a resume I was so excited.

He came over on Monday night, as planned, with a ginormous back pack on his back filled with school books and a laptop computer; while I booted up my laptop he gathered the resume information.  As I looked over the information I asked Kevin, who Ralph was, (it was all Ralph’s information in front of me).  "A guy I met on the corner.” he said.  Well, my neck spun around so fast, I am surprised I didn't have whiplash.  WHAT?  Seriously, was this a joke?  I went from proud to heartbroken within a matter of seconds.

It turns out I did not need to be heartbroken, but heart-filled.  Ralph is not a dealer (& I am ashamed now to have even thought that), but a young homeless man who was distributing a newspaper written and distributed by homeless people.  Kevin had been donating to help out Ralph when they started to delve a little deeper in conversation.  Ralph was looking for a job and Kevin offered to help.

Ralph's information was extensive; this was an educated young man.  His resume proved that he was educated and could hold a job.  He was descriptive and had a plethora of skill sets.  Why was this young man handing out papers?  I'll never know, but if I can be a small part in helping Ralph get back on his feet the way so many have helped me, please let me.

I am so proud of my son's friend.  Kevin doesn't get applauded for much or ask for it, lately he has been flying under the radar, doing school work and generally trying to lay-low; however, I could not let this go unnoticed.  I am proud and thankful that he came to me to help and I am also honored to say that I think of Kevin as another son.  I hope and pray that Bryan and all of his friends create an amazing path for each of their lives.  It would be outstanding if they all chose to help others while their doing it.

Twenty Years.

Confession:  I originally wrote this 2 weeks ago, I haven't pressed publish until today because I was scared.  I was scared that it was too personal, what would people think?  Then I was reminded today, at my part-time job, of today's date, February 8th.  It's a day that I will never ever forget.  It's a day that changed my life forever and since when do I give an eff what people think?

As I was sitting in the waiting room of my gynecologist's office this morning I realized that it has been 20 years that I have been going there.  This February will be 20 years since I found out that I was pregnant; 20 years, but I remember just like it was yesterday.

The winter of 1993-1994 was endless.  I was working at Little Caesar's Pizza inside of the Warminster K-mart, I rang the new year in with my new-ish boyfriend, Dan, at a New Years party (Dan wasn't much of a partier at the time.  Me?  I was always a partier), it was going to be a fantastic new year, I had just started a new semester at Bucks County Community College; everything was perfect and normal for this 18 year old.

It was so cold, ice storms, snow storms and blizzards made the weather just miserable .  I remember being able to go sledding down the William Tennet High School's hill what seemed like every other day.  I was still a kid, doing kid things and loving every minute of it.

[This is where it gets personal...continue on, but don't say that you weren't warned!]

Then, I had mentioned to Dan that I hadn't gotten my period in a while, but I wasn't "regular" so I had not been freaking out.  (COMPLETE DENIAL.)  He was freaking out though!  We went to a random pharmacy in the area that week and picked up a test.  It wasn't long before we found out the results.  I was sobbing, and unfortunately they weren't the "happy tears" many of my friends experience today; so many thoughts were going through my head, but I was grasping at straws and still not convinced.  Maybe the UTI that I had had faltered the test, (COMPLETE DENIAL.) so I made an appointment with my primary physician where they took blood work.

I received a phone call from the doctor within the next couple of days, which I was lucky to intercept.  Keep in mind that I lived with my parents and siblings, there weren't cell phones, so it was imperative that I be the one to answer this call.  The nurse simply stated that the pregnancy test came back positive and that I should make an appointment with an obstetrician, then she said something about my "bun in the oven" and I didn't hear a word after that.  F&@K!!  All of a sudden I was a adult, making adult decisions.

I had to figure out how to tell everyone and by "everyone", I mean my parents.  I am still here to talk about it, so obviously I survived, but it was THE MOST TERRIFYING experience of my life.  They wanted answers that I couldn't provide.  How are you going to do this?  How is/that going to happen?  Is he going to stay with you?  Screaming ensued.  I was a scared little girl, who was already 8 weeks pregnant with her new-ish boyfriend's child.  I was 18 years old and Dan was 17 years old.  It was the rest of our lives we were planning, there were way more questions then answers and I barely had any answers.

My parents calmed down and when Bryan was born they loved him more than words could express.  It turns out that my new-ish boyfriend stuck around and became a great father; as a teenage mom I had no idea what I was doing, I felt like "mom's" should know more than I did and thought how was I going to teach a kid when I was still learning?

I found out that if you ask for help people will help you.  God has placed some very significant people in my life and on my path.  I am so grateful for EVERYTHING, no matter how great or small.  Everything matters when you're in need.  God saw that I needed great friends and delivered.  It really does take a village.

This September Bryan will be 20 years old and I have been blessed enough to raise this outspoken, opinionated, honest, and one of the most loyal guys that I have ever met.  He is ridiculously confident and funny, and he's easy to talk to.  He's had his share of shenanigans, but he wouldn't be our child if he didn't.

20 years ago, I had a decision to make, I thank God everyday that I made the right one.

Feeling Like a Rockstar

• 
  

  Sarah, In the time that I have known you, you have been one of the brightest people I've had the pleasure of meeting. Your can-do attitude, bubbly personality, and ability to care of others even when you need taking care of yourself is what sets you apart in this world. Although I've known you for only a year or so, I idolize you. You have taken care of your son alone, and he has grown up to be an amazing young man. You started the Bee's Knees, which has raised thousands of dollars to help people with Myeloma. You have kept a positive attitude whenever working late nights at D-- or all day on the weekends, which is hard to do when you're bouncing from one job to the next. Although you may not see it, these, and many more, are the things that will allow you to succeed. I know four years is a big commitment, but there will always be people here supporting you, and we can get through this together! I know you said people have been saying "when one door closes, god opens a window," but I think a better saying would be "when God closes one door, He opens a gate." Windows are small and hard to get through (and no one really wants to go through them), but gates open wide, and after you get through college, I know your gate will be fully open, allowing you to take on opportunities you never imagined possible. I am so proud of you, and I truly believe that people who persist, have a passion, and stay humble and compassionate are the ones who get the farthest in life. I have no doubt in my mind that you will succeed in college and beyond!

I received this email in response to a blog that I wrote regarding my decision to go back to school after 17 years.  It was written by one the young ladies that I work with at my part-time job.  

I keep going back to this message not only because I miss the heck out of all of my kids who are away right now, but because I cannot believe that she is writing about me. The first time I read it my eyes filled, I could hardly get through the message because I was so choked up.

This young woman goes to school in up-state NY, she is brilliant, and has such a bright future ahead of her and lets not forget she's completely adorable!! How could someone who I admire so much for being young in this effed-up world that we live in idolize me?!?  

I can admit this is the biggest compliment a person can receive.  It must be what rock stars feels when the audience is singing back to them or wants their autograph or a quick picture with them.  Yes, that is how amazing I felt, no exaggeration.  If we live our lives inspiring just one person in it, haven't we done our jobs?  Inspiring a girl, a teenage girl is an extraordinary feat.  Remember back to when you were a teenager?  

I know that I brag all the time about my friends and how awesome and supportive they are (because it's true!); to know that I have the support of people who are currently in college and learning who they are themselves makes me want this even more.  I am inspiring people who inspire me!!  It's like a warm hug.

I haven't taken my role in these young men and women's lives lightly; each have a significant place in my heart.  Remember when you first read that quote which states that people are placed into your life for a reason, a season or a life-time? I thoroughly believe that this is true.  I only get to work with these young people for a short time because well, my part-time job is a temporary stop on their life's journey, but the wealth, knowledge and support that I attain from them makes my job fulfilling.

“Life is a bowl of cherries. Some cherries are rotten while others are good; its your job to throw out the rotten ones and forget about them while you enjoy eating the ones that are good! There are two kinds of people: those who choose to throw out the good cherries and wallow in all the rotten ones, and those who choose to throw out all the rotten ones and savor all the good ones.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

Surviving motherhood (so far!!)

Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed.  ~Linda Wooten

I know that this is weird to say, but this year is the first year that I have finally felt like a mom.  Weird, yes I realize, considering I've been called that name for years now.

I have always been very close with my son; having him at such a young age, you can't expect otherwise.  When Bryan was young I was the only one of my friends with a child. I had no clue what mothering was supposed to feel like, I didn't discuss feeling or emotion of motherhood on social networks (they hadn't been created yet), I knew I had to do the best for him by using common sense; putting him first and keep him alive seemed logical.

I looked at it as survival I suppose. I worked A LOT and went to college (although it was briefly, I still went). I came home and spent time with Bryan & did it all again the next day. As he got older, I ran around to different events he was involved with, after school activities, etc.; quick dinners and short showers are how we existed. 

When Mother's Day rolled around, I never thought that the holiday was about me, after all, like I said, I never thought of what I was doing as mothering, but surviving, adapting to the ever changing, and often fatiguing days. If I got through another day of fighting to do homework or sitting at the table until his plate was clean it was a win.  EVERYDAY that we got through without killing each other WAS A WIN.  Sounds familiar, huh?!?

It wasn't until this year,  his 18th year that I felt like, HOLY SH*T, THIS MOM STUFF IS FOR THE BIRDS. Yes! I said it.  Some days this how we (moms) feel.  Shitty of me to write it for the world to read, oh well. If you haven't felt that way you're a better person than I.

This year I lived it.  He was causing sleepless nights, not like when he was little, these sleepless nights were not due to feeding schedules, bad dreams or cleaning up vomit (one might call that mothering), but my sleepless nights were now spent thinking: is he going to get in to school?  If he does, where is the money going to come from?  Then it flipped to...he has to find a job?  When the HELL is he going to find a job?  Get off your ass and find a job, please, for the love of God?!?  OK...if I ask him to move out, where would he go?  Is he going to hate me?  Will it sever out relationship?

All those sleepless nights made for VERY TERRIBLE days.  My whole demeanor had changed.  I needed to be a MOTHER and this is the hardest mothering months I had to face in 18 years.  Mainly because most of these things that kept me up at night were out of my hands.  I could only do so much and leave the rest to God.  

I sleep now.  I see my son on a pretty regular basis, my heart is not heavy and my thoughts are more clear, more positive.  This person whom the sun rises and sets on for me; this kid who I love to the moon and back is now surviving by himself (for the most part).

Could motherhood be seeing your better self making decisions, good or bad, surviving in today's world?  I guess we should add that to the VERY LONG definition of the word treasured by so many.

Certainly...A Rocky Start

I cannot believe that it is the middle of March and that this is my first post of the new year, but I am excited to get back in the saddle.
How did my year start off? Why the rocky start? Well, how do I put this? I hate negativity.  Recently, a friend said to me that "only crazy people put negative personal stuff on the internet", I am about to show you how crazy I can be, I am writing about life and let's face it, it's not all peaches and cream.  Please be prepared for an honest and real post.

I found out that being a mom of a teenage boy (or teenagers in general, I suspect) is A LOT. A LOT of rejection, A LOT of anxiety, A LOT of fear, A LOT of frustration & the list goes on and on.  All of a sudden EVERYTHING changes. 

As most of you know, Bryan started his college career this past September, while he was there he proved Bloomsburg's reputation of being a party school to be completely accurate and during his stay had a couple of bumps with the law; because of this, he lost financial aid for the following semester and he had to make the decision to withdraw and end his time at Bloomsburg University. 

I was besides myself. I now loved my privacy, enjoyed my freedom and here comes my only son, my pride & joy, putting an end to everything that I had learned to relish.  However, this was not my only concern. I wasn't receiving child support anymore, Bryan had turned 18 and payments ended a month before his birthday in September. I couldn't afford for Bryan to live with me without a job and a way to contribute.

I had made a list of rules that Bryan would have to abide by if he was going to live with me. I would have loved if he would've gone to community college, but he decided to put college on pause. I was heart-broken. I also required Bryan to get a job, not a surprise, obviously he wasn't a student, this had to be a no-brainer.  I gave him a month to find a job or he'd have to move out.

The  hardest thing I had to do was ask him to leave. He had gotten in more trouble and as much as I love him, I couldn't support this or the way he was choosing to live. I miss him, its been 2 months, but I tell him all time that I love him. When he drops by to visit it lifts my heart to levels I didn't know existed because he is visiting by choice, not because he lives here.

That was a rocky start to 2013...but everything was out of my control, so I "gave it to God" and I refused to let what was going on with my son get me down. I still believe 2013 is new, with lots of fun, blessed & probably more trying times ahead. (but we'll give them to God too.)

I have started planning The Miles for Myeloma 5k walk/run , you remember my team, The Bee's Knees?  It's that time of year again and fundraising is my middle name.  My goal of $4000 is staying the same even though I don't have Bryan's funding raising graduation project to bring in the big bucks, so I applied for a grant through my 2nd job and found out last week that we, The Bee's Knees have been awarded $2500.  I feel continuously blessed working with the Philadelphia Multiple Myeloma Networking Group and The Miles for Myeloma 5k.  We are helping so many patients and families find hope.

In my very last post of 2012, I wrote about my unwanted guest, the mouse in my house. This past weekend, I finally was able to say good riddance to him. Here's hoping his friends & family are sealed off and their long stay is over. 

So, as you can see, things are already starting to look up and become brighter. 

There but for the grace of God, I go.

He hasn't forgotten about me.

When my son left for college in August I honestly didn't know how I would be able to live without seeing my only child, the love of my life, everyday.  It was one of the hardest days of my life dropping him off at Bloomsburg University.  I got through it, not without a bunch of tears, but I was able to get through it.

The tears?  I guess most mother's cry when their kids leave home for the first time.  I am not generally a crier, but it felt like someone ripped my heart out that day.  Not only because I knew I'd miss him, but because I felt like he would forget me.  Sounds crazy, I know. Sounds irrational, I get it; but I also know my son.  Has my prediction come true?  I have spoken to Bryan on the phone I think three times total since he has left, he texts me when he needs something, mostly funds or to tell me that he is coming home for the weekend.  The first weekend he came home I saw him for 20 minutes total, his bed wasn't even slept in. (Boy, did I voice my opinion about that!!)  The next & only other time that he came home I actually had a meal with him.  Progress! 

He hasn't forgotten about me.  I have come to realize this.  What HAS happened is that I have raised an independent young man; from the time he was 2 weeks old I have had to leave him to go to work or class.  He has learned from a very young age that I would always come for him & that he was never abandoned.  The first day of kindergarten he barely waved good-bye when he was getting on the bus.  He'd spend weekends with his father and I knew he was safe; now, I can only pray that the values, the ground work that I laid was enough.

Why would I think college would be any different? This time he was leaving me. 

How have I fared?  Actually, I am doing really well.  Working two jobs and going to the gym whenever I can certainly has helped to keep me busy. 

My house is clean.  Bryan comes as a package deal.  His friends are always with him, bare minimum 5 guys on a quiet night.  Now, as one knows young men are freaking gross (no offense guys)!!  My toilet paper cost alone has been cut in half.  My shower head is always adjusted to the right setting and I know when we run out of something because I was the last one to use it. 

I miss my baby boy more than anyone can imagine.  I am glad he will be coming home in just a couple of days for Thanksgiving break, but now I know that when he goes back I will be just fine,
he will be just fine and we will be together again at Christmas break.

Veteran's Day

I work with some amazing young women at my second job.  Today I am writing about one in particular. 

Today is Veteran's Day, a day to uplift  & honor ALL of those men & women who have served or are still serving.  Without all of these people who voluntarily give their lives to our country, our sons, brothers, fathers, friends would be called to war & deployment.  These fearless people put their lives on the line for American's everyday.


There is a 18 year girl that I work with who honors and thanks the armed forces for their bravery every single opportunity that she has.  She asked my opinion the first time she approached a soldier; "do you think I should thank him?", before I could say "yes", she was right there.  She has since made this a habit, a habit all of us civilians should practice. 

It is so nice when you can learn from the young, and I am so blessed to know outstanding people like this one.  It's refreshing to know that these kids are our future.  Some are truly inspiring.

God bless our Veterans everyday.

Ready or Not. Transitions.

It sometimes seems like I have all the words and then lately it seems like I don't have any...or maybe just not the right ones.

Everything is moving so quickly. 

It's like you threw your cap up on graduation day and are now trying frantically to find it.  Misplaced, but rummaging through the same things.  You could pick up any old cap and call it your own, but you're determined to find YOURS.  The PANIC.  The CHAOS.  Was is worth it?

Your answer:  ABSOLUTELY!  You can't imagine it any other way.

I believe it was worth every second.  It's been 18 years since I found out my life was going to change, everyday I was misplaced, trying to find my way, rummaging to find the answers.  STILL rummaging to find the answers.  Every age comes with a different challenge, the older they become the more intense the conflicts, the harder it is.  IT IS AGONIZING. 

It is lately that I am dealing with this acutely opinionated young man, accelerating towards adulthood.  EXHAUSTING.

Next week he will be graduating from high school; in a couple of months he will be starting his freshman year in college.  BITTERSWEET.  We clicked on the submit button to accept financial aid, then to accept loans and with each click the nausea kicks in.  My son is entering adulthood, BUT is not yet 18 years old.  SCARY.

What is even scarier is that I will have to learn how to live by myself.  In all of my adult life I have never lived by myself or for myself.  It is going to be a HUGE adaption; like learning to operate after losing a body part (I can only imagine).  I am hardly looking forward to this transition.  CONFUSION.

We, truth be told, have been fighting A LOT.  Do we need to live apart sooner then later?  YES, if only to save a life; his and/or mine.  BITTERSWEET.  After all, every breath that I have taken, every decision that  have made has been for the love of my only child.  HEART-BREAKING.

TRANSITIONS are a part of life, a GOOD PART of life.  THRIVING.

Missing my mom & LOVING my son!

I never thought about what Mother's Day would be like with my mom not around, I mean who does?  I never really thought of any day without my mom around.

Earlier this week I would've ordered my mom's flowers to have them delivered by Sunday.  I reached for the phone a few times, only to stop myself mid-dial.

In the last few years Bryan and I have done our own thing on Mother's Day (Since he's been a teenager, it's the one day that I can really pin him down and spend some quality time).  If I had known it was going to the last Mother's Day that I would spend with her,  I still would choose to spend it with Bryan and she would totally understand. She knew that I needed that time with him, that as a working mom, I never got to spend the time that I wanted with him. 

I love my mom she was the mom EVERYONE loved & knew.

As Bryan got older I knew she often didn't agree on the way that I was raising him.  She would bite her tongue, but I could read her like a book.  I have a close relationship with Bryan, I keep (or try to) an open mind and struggle not to judge (it's not the Christian thing to do after-all) him or his friends.  I let him make mistakes (to an extent, when he messed  up badly, it is not pretty, my consequences tend to be extreme, but I don't have to do it too often) and when he FINALLY does decide he wants to open up, I am there, listening /giving my honest opinion.

I learned a lot from my mom.  I learned patience, she loved my dad so much, I knew she had a lot of it.  She always was SO extremely nice that she was often treated as a door mat.  I vowed NEVER to be treated that way and often stressed to her that people treat you the way you wanted to be treated (part of the reason, my Pop & I get along so very well, he knows that I won't take his shenanigans).  I miss this woman, my mom and her kind heart, each & everyday.  I feel guilty for not letting her know what an influence she was on me.

ANYWHO...

This year I am pretty proud of myself.  I have raised a son that I haven't screwed up too badly!!  The major damage is that he has this ENORMOUS ego.  (I'm am a believer in positive reinforcement).  I ask for forgiveness for this monster that I have created.  The first thing that I said to him is "he's gorgeous!!" (the whole time that I was pregnant, I was praying for a healthy, CUTE baby - keep in mind I was teenager & these are the things the were important)  Bryan is the perfect mix of cocky and sweet, which is lethal in the female department.  Adults think he is funny because he is smart and witty; but since I am his mom & I have a blatant abhorrence for his 'tone'; so yes, he is a normal teenager.

Bryan has also FINALLY decided on where he is going to spend the next four years.  He will be attending Bloomsburg University of Pennsylvania in the Northeast region of PA a/k/a "coal country" in August.  He was accepted into the business school, so God-willing he will have a successful college career.  I am finding this next chapter to be quite bitter-sweet; while I love my son with my whole heart and soul and have lived my life for his every breath, it is time for us to live separately.  We have been butting heads & fighting more and more as of late and it makes me sad. 

It is going to be a HUGE adjustment, I am just hoping that Bryan is not to cool to Skype with me once a week. I already can't wait until he comes home to visit! 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me!

Some people need to be given chances, may be even more then one or two.  Sometimes you need to give respect to be respected.

I am learning this through my son and his friends. 

My son is 17 years  old, most of his friends are almost a year older then him; they are turning into adults (legally anyway).  There may be a couple of friends who have a hard time making what one would consider responsible decisions; or even at the bare minimum an alright choice.  Didn't we all struggle with this in high school and as young adults?  So many things were way more important then what really mattered.

It is SO HARD watching these kids, most of whom I consider family, make reckless decisions.  It is SO HARD to keep my mouth shut (why start now, right?), so I don't.  When I see my kids hurting, I hurt.  The bottom line is someone needs to tell them that, so I did.  They listen.  It's a joke to think that anything I said will change anyone or any circumstance over night; it's not always about words, it's about action and carrying out those words.

I love and respect these people like they are just that, people.  These kids might be on the verge of throwing in the proverbial towel at times, but I have let them know that they always have a place to come to.  I let them know that I will help them as much as I can, but don't call me from jail, I can't afford to bail anyone out!

This evening, one of the crew came up and he said: "This house is so chill...I can just sit, relax and watch jeopardy..."  To me that was a pretty big compliment.

All of these young adults are awesome human beings; all have amazing qualities and tons of talent.  I just wish more adults saw that when they look their way.  These people are just trying to get through high school; they will become something and enjoy their adulthood.  It is our jobs as adults to help that happen.

Hello wall...how you doin'?

This is going to be a much harder year then I thought.  Right now my head is spinning.

Today, I had an appointment with my son's school guidance counselor.  It was a good meeting, putting a lot of my anxiety to rest; that is until I just just got done speaking to...er, I mean arguing with, Bryan.  An argument which at the end had me in tears.  Parents, as awesome as your kids turn out, they will ALL still be teenagers at some point and well, as prepared as you think you are, nothing can prepare you for how mean they can be.

We are only in the 5th week of school, what could possibly be the issue?  College.  I feel like I am talking to a wall, kicking a dead horse perhaps.  Anyway you look at it, I am getting no where fast.  You would think that he'd be amped to get out and on his own.  I am willing to help him do whatever it takes for him to get into the schools he wants to apply to.  He is dragging his feet.  The fights are wearing me down.

Tonight, I broke.  I called my ex-husband in tears, woke him up, got him worried.  I had to let him know where I was in a matter of speaking.  I had to tell him so we didn't get played against each other; he is my partner in raising this person who insists on being my nemesis this week.  I CANNOT do this by myself, I never pretended any differently.  My sanity is on the brink of doom; it's time to bring in the big dog...his father.

Dan has a completely different relationship with Bryan then I do; he's a father and a pal.  They play video games, wrestle are complete @sses to each other, but there is respect.  There has always been respect.  I never wanted it any other way.  Bryan respects me as well, just in a different way which is fine in most circumstances, but when I have to pull out the dad card, believe me I do.

Dan and I are almost always on the same page when it comes to our son; if we aren't at first we discuss until we get there.  There is none of this "well, Dad said..." business; we have agreed to always be or at least try our best to be a united front.  Yes, we are divorced, but have the same goal in raising our son to be a successful young man, who can go into the world and make something of himself.  We want him to have better then we had (& be the least effed up as possible).

Right now, I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I know it is there, but it is only October.  My heart breaks at the thought of him leaving me to venture off to college in August, but right now I don't even want to see his precious face.  URGH!! 

A Good Day!

“You're thought about more often than you probably can guess, and thoughts of you just naturally bring smiles of happiness.” - Anonymous

Today is a good day, the best day of the year in my estimation; today is the day that my son was born.  Today he turns 17 years old.  Now, this is huge because truthfully I cannot keep a plant alive no matter how hard I try, but I somehow managed to to raise a pretty fantastic young man; to say that I have been truly blessed is an understatement.
Today is equally important to his father, I am sure.  Now, I cannot speak for him, but I am pretty sure he is counting the days until is 18th birthday and his years of child support are history.  Lately, Dan has been much more generous and supportive then any amount of money could buy and I am so appreciative.

Seventeen was one of my favorite years and it is blowing my mind that Bryan is there right now.  Remember back to 17?  No bills, every extra minute spent with friends, nothing to worry about but homework and where the next party was or where everyone was hanging out & only a part-time job was necessary to pay mom & dad for car insurance.  Bryan is living that right now.  I hope he appreciates every second of being 17 years old.  I also hope & pray that he makes good smart decisions and thinks about the consequences before doing anything stupid.

This year is Bryan's Senior year of high school, and there is no doubt that it will be a busy, stressful year.  Here's to getting through it so he lives to see his 18th. 

Humans helping humans

Earlier this month there was a tragic accident in my town.  This accident did not involve me or anyone that I know, but in a sense it involved my whole world.  I am saying this because this accident involved a car full of teens; 2010 graduates from my son's high school.  Two of the teens died in this accident and I cannot get them or their families out of my mind.

My son will be going for his driving test next weekend; he turns 17 years old next month.  He will be entering his senior year of high school.  This accident has hit too close to home for me.  Bryan is amazingly responsible, but that doesn't stop me from saying before he leaves to go out with his friends things like, "think of the consequences of your actions" or "I love you and trust you", I even tend to get really corny with "hugs instead of drugs".  He generally laughs me off or has some smart reply.  I don't care if I say it a million and one times, as a parent of a teenager you can only do so much to protect your child. 

It was an early Saturday morning when their parents received that call.

The story has been printed all over the papers & online, countless flowers and memorabilia have been laid at the scene of the accident.  Every article states how well loved these boys were; they were lacrosse players, smart college students who were loved by the whole community.  My son did not know the boys, having just moved to the area a couple of year ago, but his friends did, and speak about how awesome these kids were to be around. 

During the next few days arrangements were made and it became known that one of the families have, like many of us right now, fallen on hard times financially; which made a couple of wonderful souls plan a fundraiser at the local Rita's Water Ice for the family to help with burial expenses. 
It is with this news and the thought that if this was to happen, God forbid, to my son I would be in the same situation.  I needed to help.  I needed to help right now.

I went to my bosses, co-owners of the company that I am employed at, Family Abstract, Inc./The Title Offices, and asked them to get behind me in collecting money and donating what we could to this family.  There was zero hesitation; between my two bosses & myself there are 5 teenage boys, the exact amount that were in the car that wretched night.  I immediately sent out an office wide email asking my co-workers to pitch in.
The fundraiser was scheduled for yesterday starting at 5 pm.  All day it was raining off-and-on, then about 3:30 pm the sun breaks out.  It was now hot & the perfect weather for water ice.  After work, I was able to drop off what I collected and what my bosses generously donated to the family and friends of this young man.

As I pulled up to this place that I have been to more times then I can count, my eyes filled.  I prayed to God that I just keep composed.  I ended up speaking to a mom of one of the best friends, she was so shocked and appreciative.  She was literally at a loss for words, all she could do was give me the biggest hugs I think I have ever received from anyone.  Many of the boy's friend's were working the fundraiser; all so polite and thankful, but all with sadness in their eyes.

Overwhelmed by the whole atmosphere, I walked to my car and wept.  I wept because I love my son so so much.  I wept because I love my son's friends so much that I trust them with Bryan's life every time he gets in a car with them .  I wept for the parents who had to bury their teenage sons.  I wept because I felt so blessed to have helped in anyway to lessen the burden of finances so that these people can properly grieve for their son.

for better or worse, if you will.

Earlier this week I had some concerns about my son, so I expressed my worries to my ex-husband.  Heck, why should I be the only one worried about the choices that he is making or soon will make. 
A little bit of background...My ex-husband is the father of my child.  We had our son very young. He was still in high school (11th grade) & I was in my first year of college.  We also had the bright idea to get married just a couple of years later; all of which has made us who are today.  We bought our house in the suburbs at just 22 years old, sadly by 24 years old we were separated, got rid of the house and the battles began.  First child support, simply because I needed to survive; then custody, which was easy and standard, every other weekend and one day during the week he had our son.  We spent a few years going back to court to get the child support adjusted which I suppose is normal in any case.
At one point, I had to put my ex-husband in jail because he was so far in arrears.  Little does he know that I cried for 2 days after I found out.  He still was the father of my child and I never wanted to have to do something that dramatic, but needed to take a stand and prove that I wasn't going to be played.  I even took our son to visit him and accepted his calls from prison so he was able to speak to our son.
After a while and numerous amounts of wasted negative energy, the fighting subsided & we got on the same page.  We were both interested in the same thing, raising our son and achieving the best for him that we could.
This is why we had lunch today.  To meet about our lovely teenage son, his goals & his future.  It was nice catching up with him.  I asked him about his long time girlfriend, who seems to be a great person (she actually seems like someone I'd be friends with) and her young daughter.  He asked about my parents and who I was currently dating. 
We are now friends.  I can say that.  I probably am one of his, if not his oldest friend.  He listens, gives advice & I do the same for him,  We fight, but make-up.  We don't judge each other because we have both made bad decisions and learned from them.  We have watched each other grow-up.  If someone were to ask, I would say he is a soul-mate.  I believe that people have more than one in their life-time; many even, if they're blessed.  He was not "The One".  At least not for me to be married to for the rest of my life, but I believe he was the one that God wanted to remain in my life; for better or worse, if you will...