Series of Unfortunate Events

With out question, it has been a rough few months.  I know, I know, the winter was crappy for everyone who lives in the Northeastern United States,  the weather was treacherous.  We barely went a week without a snow or ice storm, praying the electricity wouldn't go out this time.  Pot holes are plenty as well as the flat tires that come along with the trenches on the roads that have gone for months without being addressed.  

Unfortunately, I am writing about more then the weather.  I was laid off from my full-time job in October of last year.  I worked for a title company that was "bought out", leaving almost everyone jobless.  "Don't worry", I said.  "At least I have my 2nd job", I  said.  I can  just pick up more hours at job #2, it won't be that bad...until I found out the truth about just how ridiculous the government is.  

I applied for unemployment compensation the day I was laid off, normal stuff for the unemployed.  I eventually heard back through snail mail and when I opened the envelope I realized that my 2nd job was pretty much useless, at least for the next little while.  The letter stated that I was only allowed to make just a little over $100 (before taxes) per week at job #2 while collecting unemployment??  WHAT???  How was I going to live?  How is this allowed?  I worked at least 15-20 hours at my 2nd job and those hours were cut DRAMATICALLY!!  I needed to work.  I wanted to work.  Every little bit of hope that I was trying to see was getting snuffed out by some suit & tie who actually has a job.  "Don't worry", I said.  

I was diligently searching for a job each and every day.  I would set my alarm, just as I would if I was going to work.  Hours in front of my computer sending resume after resume.  No one was hiring.  OK, well that is not entirely truth.  I did find many jobs that I was just not qualified for.  For instance, the Cocoa Bean Coordinator position; when people you tell you that you need a college degree to get a good job, LISTEN.  I didn't qualify for this lucrative job for that reason alone.  I couldn't even apply if I wanted to.

Must have a 4 year degree.

Then, there were those job descriptions that were so backwards and antiquated, that I wouldn't work for a company so belittling.  This is in fact 2014, not 1950.  

Poor English & sexism; not for me.

Everyday, I was going through so many job boards and listing, I thought I was going crazy, cross-eyed, or just plain delirious when I saw this next post.  Again, I wasn't confident in applying until my best friend and got together and I realized just how qualified I (or we) was(/were), hell, I wonder if the job is still available?!?  Tina, I'll fight you for it.

It's a bit easier to joke around about it now, but through out the last 6 months I definitely had some very low points.  I had received a call to start a 2 week temporary job (with potential for a permanent position) just a few miles away from me in the next town.  Sure!  I was in and they loved me (of course they did!!) and decided to keep me, until I reported to my first day as a full-time employee.  Don don don...I was told that over the weekend on a conference call that they had decided not to keep me on.  HELLO???  Why wouldn't you call me?  I was crushed.  My whole demeanor changed.  

I handled getting a speeding/erratic driving ticket (erratic because I was avoiding a pot hole) and having a car accident within a month of each other, putting my dog down, and now getting let go from a job I was filling paperwork out for 2 days prior.  I was done for a bit.  I was tired at this point.  Although I knew that none of these things that happened to me were terrible or life-threatening, I knew that many people had it worse than I did, and that this pity-party was indeed a party of one, I mentally shut off.  

I prayed a million times a day.  I had others praying, I was trying everything that I could do to stay positive (at least in public), I cried a lot (in private).  Everyone knew I wasn't myself.  I had been quiet, secretly trying to keep it all together when I was on the brink of falling apart every second of every day.

The next few weeks were almost unbelievable.  I think that if I didn't post to Facebook as things happened people wouldn't believe me; the string of unfortunate events has been sad.  Again, no one's health was or has been at risk and I do believe that I am blessed, but the hole in my ceiling and stream of water pouring on to my bed was just another reason why my appointment with the psychiatrist was imperative.  I rent my apartment so my landlord was quick to patch up the roof; however, the ceiling is still awaiting their inspection.  (I'll be reminding them soon, I don't really want a bat in The Attic again if I can avoid it.)  

I also got a flat tire while driving home from dropping my son off, I was able to make it to Pep Boys on the flat (no rim damage - thank goodness!) and I was only with out a car overnight; reason being, my tire is an unusual size.  Still under this gray cloud, I plowed on.   "Don't worry." I told myself.  Words and support from family (especially Pop) & friends have meant everything to me.  Encouraging words don't cost a penny, but when people remind you of the good things, your finer qualities; that it is never our plan, that it's His plan, you get lifted & it matters.

My car is back to me & that very night I received a message from an old friend; she was moving on from her job and her company was looking for a replacement and was I interested?  UMMM...HELL YEA.  I was interviewed and offered the job on the spot & I could suddenly see the light.  

Although I owe many people money and favors (get your mind out of the gutter, I meant baby-sitting, etc.), I know that this time of being unemployed has been a time of reflection, which I used to realize that I will never again take having full-time employment for granted.  I will never take the supportive people in my life for granted and I will pay-it-forward every opportunity that I have.  

I am now ready to work on putting the pieces back together, getting  my life back on track, and soldiering-on just like I was meant to.  

P.S.  Today when I picked my son up from his job, he said, "how was work?".  Those words never felt so good!

Life is Too Short to be Stubborn

Wow, this month is really proving to be a tough one for me, the icing on the cake for 2013.

I have been very open about all of the things that I have been going through this year.  It took me a bit, but it was a definite rocky road that I have traveled, and the saga that continued.  It is what it is and I made it through another year.  Stronger & of course, smarter.

My relationship with my son is good, I have been able to spend more time with Pop, so I am looking at the positive aspects.  

BUT...

Next week it will be 2 years since the sudden death of my mom and for some reason this year is even harder than last year.  

I have almost forgiven myself for the status of our relationship when she passed away.  It was a ridiculous reason for why we weren't speaking; I am stubborn and was trying to prove a point.

Point is, life is to short to be stubborn.

I have been working on forgiving myself and just a couple of days ago I saw a Facebook status from Pope Francis and immediately knew that it was time to put my guilt behind me:

"You can't spend your life in the graveyard of guilt dealing with the corpses of the past.  Know when things are dead, know when to release them and bury them.  If you continue to work with the dry bones of dead issues, you too will begin to decay.  No amount of work will resuscitate a corpse. Sign the death certificate"

It is happenstance that this quote is actually about death and the subject which with I have been dealing, but the words rings so true in so many circumstances and relationships.  I believe that this is a sign that I need to move on and remember the woman she was, the relationship and closeness we had all throughout our lives, not just the last few months.  She is not coming back, she knows how I feel and I hope she knows how much it has eaten at me and my remorse for wasting those last precious months.

Moving on has brought tons of tears everyday so far this month.  My mom brought so much to Christmas; she had so much joy in every aspect: decorating the house, the tree, shopping for gifts and the satisfaction that she received knowing that she got just the right gift for just the right person.  She loved every Christmas special and every carol that was sung.

She is missed.  She is loved & finally I am letting myself mourn her instead of dealing with the guilt that I have been holding on to.

When God Closes a Door, He Opens a Window

I cannot believe that I have only written 9 blogs this year.  Pathetic.  I have had so much to say.

A few months ago I had been dealing with my anxiety, my very horrible anxiety that lasted throughout the whole entire summer.  Alas, I surrendered and got the help that I needed to get myself in check and start to feel like myself again.

Now as most of you know for the last two plus years I have had 2 jobs.  I like to keep myself busy and more importantly out of my head.  At the end of this past September, things changed suddenly at my full-time job.  I came back from lunch and I found out that one of our biggest clients was closing its doors; over the next few weeks there were meetings upon meetings and lots of ideas being tossed in the air to try to keep the doors of the office, which seemed like home to me, open.  Unfortunately, my bosses had to make some very difficult decisions.  They had no choice but to lay myself and most of my co-workers off.

This has been especially hard because this is a job that I liked a lot.  I left for a couple of years, but was offered my job back, so without hesitation I found my way home.  This particular job has had many highs and lows.  I have met so many amazing people who have been an incredible help to Bryan and I throughout my 11 years knowing them.  I have cried when life got hard and they cried with me and laughter GALORE!!  We yelled at each other and made up.  They embraced me and held my hands, never leaving my side when I got the news that my mother died suddenly.  I was meant to be around people who loved me.

There are the people who I was in contact with daily.  The other people who filled my days with laughter.  My favorites who were now out of work as well.  I miss their voices.  We worked like a well-oiled machine together.  I was glad to have them in my life.

October rolls around and I am job hunting.  My full-time job has become finding a full-time job.  It is exhausting.  I am explaining to people my current situation and they are uber-positive that I will be employed in no time.  "When God closes a door, He opens a window" they say.  I have been hearing this phrase in a variety of different way for weeks now; all true, but I need to find this window.

I do believe life gives one opportunities and one can either waste them or cultivate them.  I can't sit at home and waste my brain on day-time TV, so with this opportunity that God presented me with I think I will be going back to school.  A four-year college is in my immediate future and I am scared.  It has been 15 years since I took my last class at community college and EVERYTHING has changed.  EVERYTHING!!

I am a notorious commitment-phobe in every aspect of my being.  It is the scariest thing ever for me, so committing myself to a four-year college is huge, but this is a subject for a different blog.

Don't worry I will still be job searching; I have an interview suit ready for when I am able to land one and I am excited to get back to work.  I had to peek out this open window and see what this other path offered...apparently life has other plans for me.

Ready or Not. Transitions.

It sometimes seems like I have all the words and then lately it seems like I don't have any...or maybe just not the right ones.

Everything is moving so quickly. 

It's like you threw your cap up on graduation day and are now trying frantically to find it.  Misplaced, but rummaging through the same things.  You could pick up any old cap and call it your own, but you're determined to find YOURS.  The PANIC.  The CHAOS.  Was is worth it?

Your answer:  ABSOLUTELY!  You can't imagine it any other way.

I believe it was worth every second.  It's been 18 years since I found out my life was going to change, everyday I was misplaced, trying to find my way, rummaging to find the answers.  STILL rummaging to find the answers.  Every age comes with a different challenge, the older they become the more intense the conflicts, the harder it is.  IT IS AGONIZING. 

It is lately that I am dealing with this acutely opinionated young man, accelerating towards adulthood.  EXHAUSTING.

Next week he will be graduating from high school; in a couple of months he will be starting his freshman year in college.  BITTERSWEET.  We clicked on the submit button to accept financial aid, then to accept loans and with each click the nausea kicks in.  My son is entering adulthood, BUT is not yet 18 years old.  SCARY.

What is even scarier is that I will have to learn how to live by myself.  In all of my adult life I have never lived by myself or for myself.  It is going to be a HUGE adaption; like learning to operate after losing a body part (I can only imagine).  I am hardly looking forward to this transition.  CONFUSION.

We, truth be told, have been fighting A LOT.  Do we need to live apart sooner then later?  YES, if only to save a life; his and/or mine.  BITTERSWEET.  After all, every breath that I have taken, every decision that  have made has been for the love of my only child.  HEART-BREAKING.

TRANSITIONS are a part of life, a GOOD PART of life.  THRIVING.