Forward motion

"experience the bittersweet
to taste defeat, then brush your teeth...
cause i struggle with forward motion
i struggle with forward motion
we all struggle with forward motion
cause forward motion is harder than it sounds
well every time i gain some ground
i gotta turn myself around again..."

~Relient K

One month ago today I was making plans to go to The Craft Beer Fest in Philadelphia, ensuring that  my friend got the email & still had plans on going (although it was months away), we had such a blast last year!  The same friend had written on my Facebook wall that day to let me know the very important news of Britney Spears (truth be told I have a girl crush on her and will defend her like we were related).  Britney got engaged again and she couldn't wait to tell me.  I didn't have to work the second job that night, so I was able to catch up with a couple of friends.  It was a normal, boring Monday in every sense of the word.  I went to work that morning, I even blogged that night.

One month ago I called my Mom.  She asked me if we were coming to Christmas at their house; then told me she wasn't feeling well and was actually on her way to bed when I had called.  I told her that Bryan and I would be there and she said that she would talk to me before then, she told me to give Bryan a hug for her, I replied "feel better, good night!" and we hung up...

The next day, I received a phone call a little after noon, the phone read "Mammie cell" (she's been in my phone like that for years because that is what Bryan called her when he was little; he couldn't pronounce Lammie, which is what we actually called her).  I thought 'why is she calling me?  She knows I'm at work', I was SO annoyed...so I put the ringer on silent and went to the ladies room on my way to lunch, after-all Christmas was coming and I need to get stuff done.  I checked my voice mail before heading out to run my errands and listened to an incoherent rambling from my father.  He was distraught, but I couldn't make out what it was that he was trying to convey (listening to it again, it was quite clear, I guess I had chosen not to comprehend it at that moment).  I called him immediately; what he said clear, hysterical, but clear as day, "Mom died.  She's dead."  I asked a bunch of questions.  What happened?  Where are you?  All he answered was "I'm at home."  I told him that I'd be there as soon as possible.  I hung up.   My life was changed forever.

It was over a week until we buried her; within that week, Christmas came & went.  I kept my promise to my Mom, Bryan & I went over to my Dad's house for Christmas.  We had dinner and exchanged presents, because that is what she would've wanted (she had done all her shopping), but most importantly that is what Pop wanted.  He wanted us all there.  He NEEDED us all there.

Recovery is pretty painful.  I have promised myself to keep moving in a forward motion, little steps are getting me through.  Pop needs us, his family, to help him in his fight to beat cancer.  Regaining strength...forward motion...baby steps.

One month makes a world of difference.  It can be the difference between a preemie and a full-term birth; it can be just enough time between crawling and walking...maybe that is why people refer to this healing as 'baby steps'?!?  I call it 'forward motion' and I will keep moving forward, as painful as it is some days.

Plans are being made, life is going on...there is still a Craft Beer Fest in Philly that Lammie would want me to go to!!  

"when i see what i should
when i see that it's good (that it's good)"

~Relient K