This week is proving to be the hardest yet; my heart is exposed.
I have never tried so hard to keep busy in my life...to make sure that I was surround by people. My friends have their own families, their own routine, then enter Sarah; the girl who is not ready to be by herself yet. Sarah, the woman who is not proving to be as strong as she thought that she was. My friends have been bending over backward to be there for me. I have no complaints. Everyone who I have asked to hang out or come over, has come through, without a missing a beat.
It is crazy how I remember exactly who was/is there for me. It's crazy how I remember who wasn't. You know, the people who you thought would be there for you but weren't and the surprise of people who were there that you may not have expected to be. It was a whirlwind of overwhelming emotions, but I remember it ALL.
After it is all said and done, I am still not OK. I think when people ask me how I am, that is how they would like me to answer, but I can't. I am far from OK. I am farthest from OK that I have been so far. I am zoning out (staring into space) A LOT; I am hurt by those who I thought would have been there, but weren't & that they think that it's perfectly fine. (This is my selfishness coming out. Silly me, thinking friends should be acting exactly like that...FRIENDS. Remember my heart is exposed, so you're reading what I feel.)
Many people have told me that it does get worse before it gets better. How much worse can I expect? I mean, I get out of bed and do what I am suppose to do on a daily basis, but throughout the day I feel open and vulnerable, like at any moment I may have yet another "break-down". This person is not me! I have been through A LOT in my 36 years. I am strong and come through any situation like gang busters. I am that woman with amazing coping skills. Well, where the hell are they now is what I would like to know?
People, clients at my full-time job will ask how my holidays were. Not exactly my favorite question these days. I am honest. I tell them, they were kind of crappy and then explain why. I am not going to lie & say that they were great. I happen to be pretty transparent, so everyone would see right through that anyway. My mom passed away suddenly and the more I say it out loud, the more it heals me.
I thank God that I am the type of person who surrounds (or try to) myself with uber amazing people who love me unconditionally; (I can be hard to love at times - my mom would be the first one to agree with that!) which means my friends are the real deal. These uber amazing people WANT to be a part of my life; that thought is over whelming by itself.
Pretty soon I will be OK, not super, not fabulous, but OK. I actually look forward to that; with the help of the wonderful people in my life, I know I will get there. Slowly, but surely. I can't wait to say, "I'm OK!"
I don't think that you could have said it better. From this, you already know what's going on and you are doing your best to deal with it. It's going to take you a long time to heal and feel "normal" or "better" but at the same time you have to own that it has changed your life. You may not end up being exactly who you were and that is perfectly fine.
ReplyDeleteWhen you and I first met, I was spending every weekend helping my family care for my dying father. The weekends were the only time I had open. The company was brand new and it was do or die. I had one son just graduated high school, two in college and a husband on the cusp of losing his job. The world swirled around me in such awful ways but it did not seem to matter to anyone I worked with and sometimes even anyone I lived with. They took no notice of it as I never seemed to miss a beat, show any pain or give reason for concern. My oldest son was due to graduate college December 14. My Dad, his hero and mine died December 13. I wanted so much for my son to walk with his class but he would have none of it. His hero was dead and graduating from college would not heal that pain. While everyone in the company knew my Dad had died, I still got the questions, "Are you having a big party for your son's graduation?" "Did you have a good Christmas?" (Dad died 12/13) No, none of us could bear the pain a graduation party would bring without my Dad being there. No, I did not have a good Christmas, nor did the rest of my family. If people are not a part of your pain, they will not feel it with you. There were always those to ask, "Did you have a good weekend?" and I just never had the heart to say, "No, it sucked because I spent it taking care of my dying father. It was my turn to be there for him." No, my dear, like it or not, life goes on and it's up to you to move along with it. You are the only one who knows your pain. You are the only one who feels your pain. It will not go away today. It will not go away tomorrow. It will never go away but it will become liveable, it will be apart of who you evolve into and we all evolve a little every day.
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