Thanksgiving has passed. It is so easy for me to be thankful everyday. In fact, I have written throughout this year how thankful I am for friends and the things that I have been blessed with. I work hard and have an undying loyalty to the people who love and respect me. Yet, as the holidays grow closer, I have a knot of anxiety.
When people ask how my Thanksgiving was, it is getting harder and harder to hide that my holidays are not fun at all. As soon as Thanksgiving was over, one of my first thoughts was, 'Ugh. I have to see them again in 4 weeks". Yes, I am speaking of my family. Somewhere, somehow, we have fallen apart and I seem to be the only one who is willing to recognize and vocalize it. I am as close to my Pop as I have always been. He is my heart. We are the same person; just recently I told him how I felt, how they were making me feel, how they have made me felt for the last decade or so. He says they love me; I say actions speak louder then words.
They don't abuse me, at least not physically, so I do know that many people have it a lot worse. My family ignores me. In fact, I saw one of them in the store a couple of weeks ago; as I stood there waving and saying "Hi", they continued to walk right by me in silence. One foot away, looked at me directly and I received nothing but a blank look. Now, I am supposed to forget that happened and dine with these people & make merry through the holidays. I have a forgiving heart, but I don't forget. I especially don't forget that because I expected a salutation in return to mine, I was reminded that "the world doesn't revolve around me". Yes! Somehow it got twisted into being my fault.
Christmas is less then 4 weeks away, I used to love Christmas. I still do, because making others happy fills my heart, but it is quite different now that Bryan is older. I am trying to look for the magic of the holiday, I don't want to lose it. I have so many fabulous memories of Christmas, that I can't stand the thought of them bringing me down this year.
Life is a blessing and truthfully, I don't know how many Christmases my Pop will be here to hold my hand and tell me that he loves me and is proud of me. Everyday that I have him here make things a little better. He and Bryan are the reason that I will make nice this December 25th. I will pray, as I do every year, that next year will be different.
Until then, I will stay true to myself and know in my heart that I am not whatever it is they think of me.
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